TITLE: POTION OF DOOM
GENRE: Middle Grade Fantasy
Her teacher was wrong! All wrong! Stella LaPlant scooted to the edge of her seat, flipping through her notebook. Not all bats were nocturnal. She raised her hand.
“Yesterday, I saw bats -- large bats -- flying in broad daylight.” Stella tapped the entry under the “Strange Sightings” section. “We have small-footed bats and big-eared bats in North Carolina, but these were some sort of giant vampires. And they had a z-marking on their stomachs!”
The teacher dropped her chalk and the entire Possum Trot Elementary fourth grade class looked at Stella as if she’d just blown peas out of her nose. Then they erupted into laughter.
What was she thinking? She should have kept a low profile and her mouth shut after what happened at lunch. Someone had replaced her tofu with Spam. Stella had been known to turn down hamburgers in favor of Brussels sprouts, and once again, she was in a pickle. Now she faced a fresh round of teasing.
“Woof, woof, dog eyes,” someone behind her snickered. Stella pushed her sunglasses further up her nose. Her classmates said only dogs and cats could have one blue eye and one green eye.
After school, Stella stomped home, kicking a pebble down the dirt road. Her cat, Simon, scurried beside her.
“They can all kiss my butt-er-beans!” Stella shuffled under a magnolia tree and something in its waxy leaves moved. A possum peered from behind a flower.
Another strange sighting! She grabbed her notebook and a pencil...
The dialogue sounds very authentic and I get a good sense of those little buggers who are making Stella's life miserable.
ReplyDeleteI wonder why the teacher doesn't say anything back? When she doesn't it makes me feel Stella talks to herself for the opening. She also says nothing to control the class when the kids start making fun of Stella.
The abrupt change to the bus stop from the classroom was jarring. It might have worked to stay in the classroom a little bit longer to establish Stella and her world.
I liked the detail about the notebook. What if Stella starts with the notebook sooner?
Good luck!
I love this.. great dialogue...
ReplyDeleteWould definately read more..
I like the humor in your writing and would read on. I also feel that some teacher interaction is missing. I think this scene in the classroom could be fleshed out even more.
ReplyDeleteI like your character.
I'm not so sure what is strange about seeing a possum though.
Maybe start with her seeing these strange bats in daylight so we experience it first hand? Then we'd know if it was the first time she'd seen them. The classroom scene could come the next day. Just a thought.
Great names for your MC and your school! I like your humor, and your middle grade voice rings true. There's only one minor thing. And I only add this because of the stiff competition in the sea of slush we face when we submit to editors, but I would add a comma here-"...magnolia tree, and something..." It seems like I've read this entry before? If so, you've come a long way with revisions, and it's greatly improved. I would read on! Good job and best of luck!
ReplyDeleteWhat an exciting heroine. I loved her quirks -- notebook, mismatched eyes, vegan diet, total social ineptitude. Some of the phrases were so so funny "as if she'd just blow peas out her nose" -- how perfect. Possom Trot Elementary? So cute. No surprise, then, when she sees a possum peering out from a flower.
ReplyDeleteThe transition between the scene in the classroom to her walk home was a little rushed. What did the teacher say to her about her bat theory? Was she glad Stella LaPlant (what a name!) was contributing, or impatient she was interrupting and correcting the teacher -- guessing from Stella's personality, I can only assume, for the umpteenth time?
YA is not my thing, but I loved this opening. You made me love Stella.
ReplyDeleteWith the mass of vampire novels out there, I'd say "vampire bats" instead of "vampire" so the reader wouldn't assume she's seeing Dracula flying around.
ReplyDeleteMaybe she could say something like "they look just like vampire bats in one of my books but a lot bigger" to show she'd know what a vampire bat looks like.
Stella sounds like a fun character, but I wouldn't trot out too many eccentricities all at once. Adults would be much more forgiving of her loving Brussels sprouts than a young reader would.
This made me giggle. Love the voice. I agree the teacher interaction is missing as well as the transition being a bit rushed. Though I can see, I think, why seeing a possum at this particular point would be a strange sighting. During the day, right? They're nocturnal I think, so I get this (but I'm not a big intellectual when it comes to animals so I could be all wrong). I love the butt-er-beans! That cracked me up!
ReplyDeleteYes! Great voice and characterization. I was a little disappointed that she'd blurt out her belief in the middle of class, but then you make her realize her own stupidity, so it's forgivable. (I see the lack of stupidity recognization too much, these days. It always bugs me.) But yes, I'd read on. I'd agree with the comment on changing it to vampire bats, though.
ReplyDeleteConfession Time: I would have laughed too if somebody made an announcement like that in class. :)
ReplyDeleteI think I read this with a different beginning (with the oppossom in the tree). I liked that beginning, but this one definitely works a LOT better.
Nice work<:
I love this - and not much to add (I agree with the transition section, I had to go back and re-read to establish the new setting). Great voice, great MC. I would definitely turn the page.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this and would like to read more about Stella.
ReplyDeleteI love this rewrite. I remember the original from the last secret agent contest and you really incorporated all the feedback and turned this into something I would want to read more of.
ReplyDeleteStella is cute and way more developed as a character now. "Kiss my butter-beans"LOL!... Good Job!
I love this. It's one of my favorites. Great voice.
ReplyDeleteLove the butt-er-beans! Very clever.
I loved the other version, but I love this one even more. I'm hooked.
A MUCH better version, I think. It feels smoother and more holistic. However, I still think the plot needs to be stronger and brought out more. Seeing bats isn't plot, since there's nothing at stake for your protagonist.
ReplyDeleteI think what drew me to read this, too,was the character's voice and also her quirkiness, like her food preferences and unusual eyes. And of course, the "kiss my butt-er-beans" line. I think kids would really get a kick out of repeating that! The only little quibble I have is about the missing teacher interaction (maybe have the teacher say something like, "Okay, folks that's enough!" etc.) and that one can't yet tell what the plot is--but I'd definitely read on to find out!
ReplyDeleteThe voice in this is great, and your writing has good rhythm (for lack of a better word). I would read on. It might be interesting to start the novel where Stella sees the bats so that the reader can experience her reaction – right now, the sighting seems more like something Stella says to prove her teacher wrong than a genuine mystery.
ReplyDeleteI see what others are saying about the lack of response from the teacher when the class starts laughing, but since that’s probably the last think Stella is focusing on, I think you can get away with leaving it out.
Possums sometimes appear during the day when they have rabies, but that’s probably not what a fourth grader would think about, so never mind :P.
Good beginning. I loved the blowing peas out of her nose comment.
ReplyDeleteI think you've done a good job establishing Stella's voice. I also love the sentence, "Stella had been known to turn down hamburgers in favor of Brussels sprouts, and once again, she was in a pickle." What a great play on words!
ReplyDeleteUltimately I'm not personally hooked because I don't get too excited about stories whose characters are animals. That's just a "me" thing.
One small thing -- you may want to consider not using two exclamation points in a row to start the story. Perhaps, "Her teacher was wrong -- all wrong!" Or simply, "Her teacher was absolutely wrong!" I found the double !! a bit distracting.
This is much better. I'm really getting into this now.
ReplyDeleteSo I'd love to read more.
Love the rewrite and am hooked. I did think that what Stella says isn't really all that quirky so I didn't totally see why all the kids laugh. Maybe quirk it up a bit. Also agreed that the teacher most likely would have responded. But I love her voice and she's a heroine I would have connected with as a kid.
ReplyDeleteHum... I have mixed feelings on this one.
ReplyDeleteI like the opening scene and what details are revealed about Stella but what's holding me back is that it reads to me like the writer is trying too hard to "write young."
I have to say that the middle grade novel is THE hardest type of fiction to write. The writer has to nail the tone, voice, and grade level exactly right.
I don't think this writer has nailed it but I would read on a few more pages just to see if the writer finds his/her flow and it smooths out.