TITLE: TOUCHING THE SURFACE
GENRE: YA-Contemporary Fantasy
Seventeen year old Elliot and 4 year old Oliver are having lunch in the afterlife...
Atop his head was a messy thatch of ebony hair, giving believability to his prickly personality and obvious anger issues. I was just about to ask Mel who the guy with the scowl was, when Oliver leaned over and whispered in my ear.
“That’s Trevor. He’s angry.”
“Yeah, I got that.” I nodded in agreement. “He’s also tall.”
Trevor pushed back his chair and stood up. He had to be over six feet. He had at least a head on me.
“Is he always like this?” I wondered aloud.
“Dunno. He just got here too. Right after you.”
“How do you know who he is then?” I asked, already feeling a wave of dread washing over me.
“He’s gonna be in our Workshop with Mel,” Oliver whispered.
“Have you got any other good news for me little buddy?” I asked.
Oliver’s face lit up. “Yeah, they’re bringing out dessert.”
I looked up. A big plate of warm chocolate chip cookies was sitting on the buffet. In my mind, exchanging a hostile guy with warm gooey cookies, was a good trade. Maybe we could talk Mel into bringing dessert to workshop tomorrow and leaving Trevor at The Haven.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Hi Writer #47,
ReplyDeleteNeat concept for a story.
The dialogue is convincing. The writing is good, but I would tighten a bit. For example, "I nodded in agreement" you don't need "in agreement" and rather than "I wondered aloud" how about "I said."
I like the idea of the chocolate chip cookies--maybe it's because it's lunch time and I'm hungry; however, I think the ending would have more punch and tension if you ended with the dialogue rather than the description of the cookies and what's coming next.
Nicely done!
Donna
I liked this. The dialogue was believable, but some of your sentences are a bit redundant. "He had to be over six feet. He had at least a head on me." Could be combined into one sentence to get rid of that extra "he had". Also, the 'too' in "He just got here too." is unnecessary, since you qualify "Right after you."
ReplyDeleteGood job, though. I would read on, you have an interesting premise.
I agree with the other comments about tightening the language a bit. And I too love the premise. I would definitely keep reading, if only to learn more about this afterlife with workshops and fresh chocolate chip cookies.
ReplyDeleteI think ending the chapter with dialogue or some sort of forward action might be a little more compelling here. This ending feels like you could turn the page and encounter a completely different narrator or plot line, like this section is "ended."
Anyway, well done! Thanks for sharing. :)
This is a fun little read and a great idea for a story. However, I am not sure if the ending sentence is strong enough to compel your reader into the next chapter. But I do love the idea of the story and I wish you all the best in your writing.
ReplyDeleteThere are some really great things here. I like the concept and am curious about their situation.
ReplyDeleteI guess my only crit is that I think the protagonist's willingness to 'exchange a hostile guy with warm gooey cookes' seems anti climatic. It is almost too simplistic and a bit of a let down. Cookies arrive, problem solved, so why read on? I'd rather be given a feeling that Trevor is going to be a real problem and that the protagonist is worried about that somehow.....
You are really onto something here...keep at it!
Not a big cliffhanger, but I do love that last line. Good description and dialogue. Unique situation. Makes me curious about the world, and what will happen with this guy. Curious, but not compelling yet. Good luck with this!
ReplyDeleteWhat an interesting little scene!
ReplyDeletePerhaps it’s where we’re cutting in, but I don’t think something as simple as an angry look/demeanor would worry your MC as much as it seems to. Not when he is seeing him for the first time.
Also, “giving believability” read awkward for me, personally. I think it would work better with something like: “exemplifying” or “illustrating” or “which only added to…” etc. I say this because his demeanor would be believable without that particular hairstyle so it seems like an odd word to use.
Sounds like a neat story!
Hmm. This is interesting. I like the characters, dialogue, setting (and blurb) but I'm not really engaged by what's going on in this particular scene. It's very calm and conflict-free; after life or no, they are, as you said, just eating lunch.
ReplyDeleteI am curious enough to want to read on, though.
What little I read, made me smile.
ReplyDeleteFirst line needs some smoothing out. Suggestion: Don't tell us he has a prickly personality and anger issues-show us--I'll try: Atop his head was a messy thatch of ebony hair. Each time he heard a noise, he startled and ran his fingers through the greasy mess. A tiny girl moved to sit next to him, but he lunged at her. He laughed when she burst into tears and scrurried away.
You can do better but I just had to try and give you an example.
Have fun.
I think you've got a good start here. Good, intriguing idea. Oliver's a cutie already. I'm curious as to why Trevor's so angry.
ReplyDeleteThis could benefit from a little tightening. You've been given an example or two already - here's another:
“How do you know who he is then?” I asked, already feeling a wave of dread washing over me.
Could tighten to "How do you know who he is then?". A wave of dread washed over me.
But, since we're talking about this particular sentence, I may as well mention that showing us his dread in terms of any physical sensations he feels, or behaviors, is more effective than telling me he feels dread. Again - show not tell. It's perfectly fine to tell certain things in a story - especially in order to move the narrative forward - authors do it all the time and it's their artistic choice for when and how, but I don't think telling a character's feelings is as effective in drawing the reader in.
Perhaps you've already showed us Trevor's anger issues, but if you haven't, I think you should here. It's not enough to tell me that he's an angry kid - I'll just shrug until you show me. You got an excellent example of how to do this from pat just above.
I think you're ending could be much stronger, both in increasing the tension and making the reader want to turn the page. What if you kept something similar, but then had Trevor do something to the chocolate cookies - take them all, shove the plate off the buffet, something that immediately takes away your POV character's "out" from this angry guy and tells him (and US) that he's in for a ride with Trevor.
Good luck - it seems like you have a fun story here.
c.e.
Sorry about the typos above - I'll proofread my crit next time. (extra period and you're instead of your - gah.)
ReplyDeleteYou've scored some really valuable comments here. I would agree with their advice to show, not tell the emotions.
ReplyDeleteBut I really like your voice - and if you can finish the chapter on a more compelling note, I think you've got a real page turner.
I didn't buy that Oliver is only 4 though. He reads older. Is it important that he is so young? His role here seems to be acting as a guide to the afterlife. Did that give him immediate wisdom perhaps
Oh love this! What workshop? I am dying to know more! This is fabulous! I can't wait to read the rest of this.
ReplyDeleteMy only problem was with the phrase 'little buddy' made me go all gilligan's island lol...
but I am very intrigued by the tall guy... in fact, as I am writing this comment, I am realizing that I NEED to read more of this story haha do you need a critique partner? I want to know more about what is happening next!
Thanks so much everyone for all your help and encouragement. I picked this chapter ending because I wanted to see if my characters were working and it did feel like a softer ending to me. While I still have lots of work to do on my ms-I do have some better page turners up my sleeve...I think LOL! I found this a very helpful exercise and have started to look at my other chapters with a whole different set of eyes. Sorry I was skimpy on my set up-this was my first time submitting and I didn't want to put down too much. Here is just a little bit more about my story...
ReplyDeleteAt the age of seventeen, Elliot Turner feels like she’s a failure in life and the afterlife. She’s died for the third time and until she can remember her past and figure out the growth plan for her soul, she’s stuck at the Obmil Center for Progression. Elliot immediately bonds with a four year old imp of child named Oliver, but it’s Trevor and his blatant hostility, that makes time at the Obmil feel like an eternity.
Elliot barely touches the surface of her memories, when she recalls how the best night of her life ends with an accidental death. Delving into her past, she learns that the lives and deaths of Oliver and Trevor are hauntingly intertwined with her own. They discover that the progression of souls requires a leap of faith and until you are in the air-you can’t know for sure if you are falling or flying.
Touching the Surface is the story of a teenage girl who learns that life altering mistakes are meant to alter lives.
Thanks again everyone-it was soooooo helpful.