TITLE: Carleson Peak
GENRE: Historical romance
Two women in 1802 England. Susan's fortunes have disintegrated; she is now a housekeeper for the Duke of Gohrum. Delia, on the other hand, has just married the Duke. But she's not happy about it.
"Let me make you snug, my dear," Gohrum spread a blanket over her lap and tucked her hands inside a fur muff. "We'll be at Philly's in no time."
This was entirely satisfying. Delia had lost the man she wanted; so be it. She was a duchess, and how could she have thought that an undesirable thing? She was suddenly so pleased with herself, she purred, "I wonder what a bride must do to receive a kiss from her husband?"
Cold gruel. His kiss was soft and grateful, and all the goodwill in her trickled away. Regret clamped down like an iron maiden; when she could breathe again, she could not breathe free. The rest of her life rolled out before her, like a narrow carpet running to an uninteresting vanishing point. She would be ordinary, she would be cruel, she would not respect her husband. Not all the fortune and deference bundled with Gohrum could disguise the utter lack of power in that kiss.
Gohrum wasn't Leopold Singer, and her chest hosted a jagged, ravaged wound where a heart could have been. Leopold could have made her happy; and she had lost him not through any mistake on her part. That whore servant of Gohrum's had somehow bewitched him. Well, the wretch would pay. It was a shame to have to wait until May, but when Delia returned to London after her wedding trip, she would have that slut housekeeper thrown out.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm intrigued by Delia. She seems vindictive and shallow, but in an entertaining way, like Scarlett O'Hara.
ReplyDeleteI don't know that this chapter ending necessarily compels me to keep reading on, though. It ends with "waiting until May"...no forward action. Maybe you could instead focus on what she's going to do in the interim? What is coming, as opposed to what's not?
Also, watch for typos, missing words, and, most importantly, for run-on sentences. The pace would speed up considerably if you broke some of these sentences apart and clarified them a little more. For instance, "She would be ordinary, she would be cruel, she would not respect her husband." Perhaps instead: "Considering that looming tedium and ordinariness [referring to previous sentence], Delia decided she would be cruel. She would not respect her husband. After all, not all..."
The only other thing I noticed was that the narrative voice, while engaging, was anachronistic. I don't believe someone from 1802 would think things like, "that slut housekeeper." It sounds a little too modern.
I don't mean to come across as overly critical. I just think this has great potential and could be clarified to really shine. If you have any questions, please feel free to e-mail me: samantha[dot]elliott[at]gmail[dot]com.
Good luck!
Cold gruel. His kiss was soft and grateful I’m just not getting the ‘cold gruel’ part.
ReplyDeleteThe way I’m reading, it looks like Delia is angry at Susan and that it was Susan’s fault for taking Leopold away from her. If that’s so, then I don’t get the line about Delia being cruel and not respecting her husband. It reads like the Duke is trying to be good to her and while I get that Delia’s heartbroken, I don’t get her pissed off feelings towards the Duke. It’s making me really not like her and completely sympathize with The Duke.
Not sure I would read on. I would have to know more of what happened up to this point before I knew if I could turn that page.
Are you suggesting that Gohrum's kiss was like cold gruel? If so, I think you could make that clearer.
ReplyDeleteI like the image of her life as a rolled-out carpet.
I agree with the previous poster that the line, "She would be ordinary, she would be cruel, she would not respect her husband," is confusing as written. I gather she likes her men to be rougher than the duke, but I don't see how being the duchess makes her ordinary and cruel.
Leopold could have made her happy; and she had lost him not through any mistake on her part. -- The semicolon should be a comma.
I agree that the ending doesn't compel me to read on and find out what happens next. It might if I knew Susan better and empathized with her over Delia. Without the rest of the book, it's hard to say.
I hope this is helpful.
I agree with what the previous comments stated as well, regarding the run on sentences and the "Cold gruel" line. I was confused by this as well as the statements around her being cruel.
ReplyDeleteOverall, the voice just didn't grab me. I was a little confused by much of where you were going with the chapter ending and Delia's voice seemed too modern, not 1802.
Hopefully the feedback helps. Good luck.
I was drawn in by the first 3 paragraphs, but the final paragraph left me high and dry. Somehow, the subtlety that you had going was lost in the flagrant vindictiveness of the closing lines.
ReplyDeleteI think you've got the voice right for historical romance, and I absolutely love the effect his kiss had on her. I could almost literally feel it myself.
Overall, some good editing and perhaps a harder look at your final paragraph is in order. I could see myself getting sucked into this story. ;)
I enjoyed this very much, and although I'm not familiar with this era in terms of "how to write the voice", I thought she sounded right for an English historical set in 1802, until the slut line. Don't know if slut is a word they used then, but it's used so commonly now as slang that it doesn't matter, it still will pull the reader out of the era.
ReplyDeleteI loved how his kiss pulled her out of her temporary good feelings. That is visceral and intimate and of course it could have that effect on her, which I thought was WONDERFULLY described. (And I got what you mean by cold gruel.)
I'm not sure I have anything constructive to say about that last paragraph. It seems as though you are tossing quite a lot into a short snippet - she has very complex emotions, and I think it might be best to stay with the first part (her husband's effect on her) for a little while longer, before launching into the rest of it with Singer and Delia. Not sure, though. It's just what I'm feeling as I read. I think you could make this more of a 'page turner' ending, if you focus on something more immediate - something that relates to the plight she finds herself in now, and not so far into the future.
Good luck with this. I'd read on.
I understood what you meant by cold gruel, but had to stop and reread, and figure it out, especially because right afterwards you says his kiss was soft and grateful, which doesn't sound like cold gruel--maybe weak and mushy? I really like the narrow carpet line, and I understood that being in a cold marriage would make her ordinary, cruel, etc. (And I liked that she figured this out in a flash and saw it all before her--she's smart.)
ReplyDeleteThis is minor, but didn't like "bundled with Gohrum." Bundled just doesn't sound quite right, maybe "...that Gohrum possessed..."?
And I think the first line of the last paragraph is a bit overdone. Definitely find a better verb than hosted.
But all that aside, it has a nice rhythm, you have a good voice for this period, and I would read on. I want to know more about Leopold and Susan!
Jams
From the writer --
ReplyDeleteThank you ALL for these great comments! What a gift. If I had a beta reader like any of you, I'd be in heaven.
I liked it and would keep reading. Delia sounds like she could be cutting and cruel. I hope Susan gets her fortune back.
ReplyDeletePrevious critiques suggested shorter sentences and I agree.
In the following sentence the word breathe was used twice. Maybe rework this sentence.
Regret clamped down like an iron maiden; when she could breathe again, she could not breathe free.
I enjoyed it, particularly the completely accurate moment of revelation when she realizes, "This is what I have to look forward."
ReplyDeleteThat said, I must echo some of the earlier comments. The narrative voice, especially in the last paragraph, doesn't quite suit the time period.
And "cold gruel." ;o) Sounds more like a bowl of oatmeal. Warm, comforting, good for you, but not exactly a thrill to face down a bowl of that every morning for the rest of your life.
I dissent - the voice is fine for 1802, and the word slut has been around since the 1400s/Middle English. There is something to a perceived error over a factual one, but I just want you to know there isn't a factual one. I understood the "cold gruel" but I would use a word besides "grateful" to help convey what was wrong about it.
ReplyDeleteMy qualm is just to cut the last line. "Well, the wretch would pay." Now I want to how know/why. Don't just go and tell me! Also, the language is great - wonderful imagery, but not overdone. :)