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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

48 Secret Agent

TITLE: AFTERLIFE
GENRE: Literary


Ethan Reueken is haunting me or I’m having delusions of a psychiatric kind. We last spoke over twenty years ago. It was brief but long enough to know Ethan was and still the leaseholder of my heart. At times, I felt all feelings for him were gone, but I only fooled myself. Like when I married Peter.

Peter and I started to date a year after Ethan and I broke up. Peter was in the military and different from anyone else I dated, especially Ethan. A year and half-later Peter and I married in Hawaii, Peter returned to Viet Nam and I returned home. .

I would be lying to say Ethan never entered my thoughts. Yet he wasn't on my mind the day I was walking to the cleaners. . It cannot be him; it cannot be Ethan standing outside the gates of my apartment. The sight of him sent my pulse throbbing and my knees feeling unstable.

"Hi, I didn't expect to see you," Ethan greeted me flashing his charismatic smile.

"Me neither. How are you?" my voice was calmer than I felt.

"Okay... Where you going? What's in the box?" He asked with the anticipation of a six year old at Christmas.

"To the cleaners," I replied, ignoring his second question...

Ethan moved towards the box, and began to touch it, attempting to open it.

"Don‘t! It's my wedding dress." My words brought a silence that boomed in my ears and went on forever.

19 comments:

  1. I like the opening line. It makes me wonder what kind of deep dark secrets will be revealed.

    I would have liked to get to the meeting with Ethan quicker. I did feel a little tingle of anticipation when she sees him again after 20 years, yet lost some tension when they start carrying on with small talk and she doesn't react to him more.

    I think the wedding dress is a great way to introduce Peter without having to tell us in the beginning. The elements of a great opening are almost there and just need a little tightening of the narrative and dialogue.

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  2. Jeanie
    Thanks for the read and the comment.

    It isn't after 20 years... it is after 3 years she sees Ethan, right after she marries Peter.

    Ethan begins haunting her and she hasn't seen him over 20 years. She is thinking back to the last time she saw him face to face.

    Originally I had that part in italics.. but I think I lost the formating when I submitted it.

    Thanks again

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  3. Are there any other delusions besides those of a psychiatric kind?

    Did Ethan die or did she break up with him? The title and the phrase "haunting me" made me think this was a ghost story, but then it said "after Ethan and I broke up." This confused me.

    The unusual phrase "leaseholder of my heart" intrigued me. (The sentence is missing a verb, though.) What kind of work does she do, or what kind of person is she that this would be the first metaphor for love she uses?

    It seemed a little creepy-weird to me that he shows up, after breaking up with her, and immediately starts opening a box she's carrying. That seemed obnoxious. If he's supposed to be a sympathetic character, rather than a stalker, that's a problematic way to introduce him, at least for me.

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  4. I really enjoyed the opening paragraph, it set me up to embrace a character with big, deep emotions and a mysterious past. The interaction with Ethan didn't quite work for me. The line "Hi, I didn't expect to see you..." made me puzzled. Why else would he be standing in front of her apartment? I do like how you used the wedding dress to show the next level of tension between the pair.

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  5. Oh, it just occurred to me that if her box with the wedding dress started to fall -- perhaps she almost drops it in her shock at seeing him -- and he tried to help her catch it, he would still see what's inside, she would still be embarrassed at him seeing it's a dress for her marriage to another man, but he would seem gallant rather than intrusive.

    Of course, if he's meant to be a stalker, disregard my ramblings.

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  6. There is more to the conversation and some other things are revealed however it doesn't inot 250 words. So I edited so it would end with the wedding dress.

    I guess we all write the way we feel, because it is only our feelings we know.. If I ran into a man who I deeply loved but had a terrible breakup with... I am like almost 99 44/00 percent I would start out with Hi ..

    He also wasn't outside her apartment he was out the apartment gates.. Gated community... a public area.. and it's been close to three since she last saw him.. so I don't think she thinks he stalking her..

    Thanks for the read and the comments.

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  7. Okay, I love the closing dialogue, but the backstory really confused me. I don't know how you're going to do the wonderful awkwardness of the end scene without SOME backstory, but try to cut it back some. We don't know these people at all, so the fact that I felt sympathy at the close is a good sign. But I'd like to feel more.

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  8. This needs to be tightened up, and honestly, I'd start with "I would be lying if I said Ethan never entered my thoughts..."

    I also noted a couple tense problems, puntuation....

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  9. I think the back story could wait, sift it into the story as you go. I would agree with Megs as to your starting point - and Tara's suggestion for having the box fall would give Ethan the opportunity to see in the box rather than boldly peek in.

    Some clarification, more immediate action and I think you'll be there with your first page - you'll get me to turn that page.

    Good luck.

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  10. Sorry, but not hooked. The shifting timelines thing threw me off, as did the several spelling and grammar errors I spotted. Also, things happen so quickly without any transitions that it's hard to get into your protagonist's head or empathize with her.

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  11. I agree with Lori on all points.

    This has potential, but I think the backstory kills the momentum.

    I like the opening sentence, but I think I'd just simplify it to "Ethan Reueken is haunting me". I guess you're going to make us wait to see if he really is alive or dead? Is this going to be a Sixth Sense moment where he actually turns out to have died two years before and she didn't know it?? No, probably not, because then it would be a paranormal romance and not literary. Maybe "Ethan Reueken is stalking me" would be better?

    You have some tense problems and some punctuation errors too. One example: "It was brief (comma) but long enough to know Ethan was (and always would be?) the leaseholder of my heart. At times I felt all feelings (too repetitive of "feel") for him were gone...."

    Hope this helps!

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  12. I found this a little to hard to grasp. The time sifting made my hed spin and took me out of the story, trying to work out what was what. Then I wasen't sure if he was alive or a ghost.

    Whith a few changes I'm sure it would be a great story, but at the moment I wouldn't read on.

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  13. I can feel the emotion of the moment of reuniting! And the wedding dress in the box is great.

    I felt kind of "preached at" with all the backstory; I'm wondering if you can tighten it up, say more with less, maybe? Perhaps even beginning the entire thing with, "I'd be lying to say Ethan never entered my thoughts." Make the reader intrigued about why it's so terribly uncomfortable to meet up with Ethan, rather than explaining it all first. You know? That would make me want to read on, to be sure. Just to find out the dirt on Ethan! ;)

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  14. Okay, I totally didn't see Megs' comment before I wrote mine. GMTA, perhaps! :)

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  15. I'm intrigued.
    In the first line, it should be was, not is.

    And it's a little unclear to me, is he a ghost?

    I had to read it twice to figure out what was going on, might just be because I've been reading all day and my eyes are tired. Maybe I'll take a break and look over this again with fresh eyes.

    I do like the premises and I'd totally keep reading. So sorry. :)

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  16. I agree with most everything others have posted. Maybe the shop name could be on the dress box so asking what's in it wouldn't make Ethan seem so obnoxious right off the bat. That way you could get in the contents without making anyone look bad. I absolutely love the name Ethan Reueken. I'd want to know what such a person was up to.

    I think this has a lot of potential. The writing definitely sets a mood, and I'd want to know more.

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  17. I agree with everything posted so far. Good opening line, but I'd suggest losing much of the backstory and then going into Ethan being outside of her apartment. Although I kind of wonder how he can seriously say that he didn't expect to see her outside of her apartment.

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  18. She does not live where used to live when they were dating.

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  19. I'm not hooked. Sorry. Is Ethan dead or is he not?

    To me there's a lot backstory telling in this opening page and yet it doesn't help me to connect to our first person narrator so what purpose should it serve?

    Then our narrator is doing a rather mundane task, Ethan reappears, we're told the narrator is off-kilter by it but then it is followed by rather unrevealing dialogue given the possible import of this meeting.

    As a reader, I'm not grounded. What should I be feeling about this meeting 20 years later?

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