Genre: Middle Grade/Tween
"Claire, ask Rundee to gallop…hard," Anna shouted. "Head away from those trees. Lightning hits trees before anything else! Faster!"
Claire didn't seem to hear her shouts over the crash of thunder. As the lightning danced across the sky, Anna watched Claire's tiny frame, clinging to Rundee's neck, as the horse headed into the woods.
"Claire, Claire! Where are you? Please, be all right!" The rain stung her face like needles. Anna spurred Fancy into the trees, frantically searching for her best friend.
"I can't see you in all this rain. Call my name so I can find you. Claire!" Anna screamed, until she finally rode up on Rundee. The horse's empty saddle hung down and she was in danger of tripping on the stirrups.
"Rundee! Oh my gosh!" Where's Claire? She wondered, trying not to panic. "Let me fix your saddle, girl. Here you go, let's put your lead rope on and we'll go look for Claire. Claire! Walk on, Fancy, come on girl." Anna searched for Claire where she had discovered Rundee. She believed that Claire could be badly hurt. She might even be dead. Anna's entire body shook at the thought.
Soaked and exhausted, Anna got off Fancy and tied both horses some oak trees, making sure not to give them any extra rope to trip on.
"Wait. Is that moaning I hear?" Anna tried to follow the sound as best she could in the pounding rain. She stumbled. Beneath her she could make out Claire's motionless body twisted around a fallen tree.
"Claire, do you hear me? Claire…!"
I like the action in the scene, but I found it a bit hard to follow. It might be just me, but I had to reread to figure out which horse was which. I might help to say Claire's horse or Anna's horse.
ReplyDeleteI also had to reread the part about fixing the saddle. At first I assumed Anna had to get off her horse to fix the saddle, since Fancy was in danger of tripping over the stirrups and the saddle was askew. It didn't seem like she could fix it while sitting on her horse. And "Let me fix your saddle girl.." seems pretty calm for someone who is afraid her friend might be dead.
I think not knowing where your friend is and the empty saddle is intriguing.
ReplyDeleteI think Anna's dialogue is too wordy for the panic she's feeling and the fact that she's shouting through a thunderstorm. I suggest short 2 or 3 word sentences.
There seems to be a jump from when she sees Claire ride into the forest and then she's calling out tell me where you are? Anna saw where she went, why doesn't she just go into the woods and look? Maybe you need to show Anna riding into the woods and looking before she calls that out.
I'd show Anna searching later too instead of telling us that Anna searched for Claire where she had found Rundee.
"Wait is that moaning I hear?" Would Anna really ask herself this outloud? I'd show the moan and then show Anna react to it instead of telling us through her speech.
You've got an intriguing opening but I think the writing needs to be fleshed out. I wouldn't keep reading.
I agree with the others, the action is great, but I found the dialog awkward in the scene and the part about "is that moaning I hear?" would probably fit better as a thought than dialogue.
ReplyDeleteThis was really confusing, mostly because of the head hopping. With the PoV switching between Claire and Anna, I couldn't tell if they were together, separated, or what. Were they both riding horses, or just one?
ReplyDeleteWas there any other danger besides the storm and lightning, and would that really necessitate the girls to panic, force their horses to run and get separated from each other?
What I understood and liked: there are two friends, who are sympathetic characters, trying to look out for one another after one falls from a horse during a storm.
Pick one PoV at a time, clarify the action, and this could be quite exciting.
I think you did a great job of creating a sense of urgency in your opening paragraphs! Like some of the others, I had to go back to reread for some clarification. I felt kind of bombarded with trying to keep names straight, in such a short passage. I would read on, at least a couple of more pages, to see where this goes. Best wishes!
ReplyDeleteGreat job with action sequence. However, I had a hard time trying to figure out who she was talking to at times?
ReplyDeleteYeah, it's too confusing with all the names. Take out the horse's names, or at least Rundee's. Just call him Claire's horse for now. If Anna saw Claire ride into the trees, she knows where she is. I think you need to cut out her seeing Claire riding at all. Start with Anna amidst the trees, leading the other horse and screaming for Claire. Also, don't have Anna talking her concerns aloud. That's really bizarre. Put it in italics and let it be her thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThere is a little telling in spots, where I think you could have tightened this up a little. And maybe remind us she's riding a horse and show Rundee dancing around wild-eyed.
ReplyDeleteIt IS a good setting to start off with and you do have the tension downpat. Just a little more nudging...
I agree, it's a good place to start, just needs some tweaking. It's a bit muddied with names and telling. I also got jarred with the "moaning" dialog. I'd show the moaning and maybe lessen all the technical details with the horse. If I had a friend I thought might be badly injured or dead, messing with the horses would be a big blur to me, I'd be more concerned about my friend.
ReplyDeleteI had a problem with the saddle - was she off her horse to fix that, but then she dismounts? You start with action, good, yet her dialogue doesn't reflect that action/panic. Short sentences, less description. There are parts that do that (She spurred Fancy..., She stumbled.) Tighten it up, pick up the pace, and I think you have a first page worth turning.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
Ditto with the other comments that parts of this are hard to read. At first, the girls are racing through the storm, then Anna stops to adjust the horses saddle. Her slowing down to do this slows down the pacing and tension of the scene too much, as does the word "ask" in this first sentence.
ReplyDeleteI would read on, but too much action in this scene takes place in the form of dialogue. It sounds like Anna's talking to herself when there's no one to hear her, and that downplays the emotion.
ReplyDeleteI thought that the dialogue was okay except for the part where she said, "Wait. Is that moaning I hear?" Maybe just write: Anna heard moaning from somewhere up ahead.
ReplyDeleteThis is a breathless scene, to be sure. I'm just wondering if it's the best place to begin your story. I don't anything about these 2 girls, and it's hard to "jump in" emotionally in the midst of all the action.
ReplyDeleteAlso the "Wait. Is that moaning I hear?" sounds contrived. Instead of dialogue (monologue, really), you might just mention that she hears a moan. (Read her line out loud, and I think you'll see what I mean.)
Fancy is a great name for a horse...and you've got a good idea here. I'm just feeling "dropped into" the story instead of "drawn into" the story, if that makes sense.
Good action, but the dialogue seems forced to me. Would a child say, Is that moaning I hear?
ReplyDeleteI like this, but it needs to be cleaned up a bit.
I'm the author and I wanted to say thank you to everyone for taking the time to read my first page. I've begun a little tweaking here and there. Thanks!:)Robyn
ReplyDeleteYou have a good scene with a lot of potential, but I think it's a few edits short.
ReplyDeleteThe dialog seems stilted, and I see a lot of words that could be cut. Would she tell Claire to ask Rundee to gallop hard? Also next sentence wastes words. Ex. Before anything else-- could be replaced with simply "first."
Especially in times of tenseness and excitement, short choppy sentences work better. Also, fragments work well. Anything to get the thoughts across fast. Check all dialog for such.
Watch for sentence structure. You have two "as" clauses in the second paragraph. Get rid of filtering phrases such as "she believed." The sentence reads more powerfully without it.
Think about "Wait. Is that moaning I hear?" If you're in a forest in a harsh thunderstorm with a friend missing, is that how you would react? I don't think so. It's said with the same tone that "Wait, Is that birdsong I hear?" would be. Put yourself in the scene and decide how you would react. Tell it with as much tenseness and drama as you can when it's a dramatic scene.
The scene is a good place to start. The dialogue actually kept me from getting hooked.
ReplyDeleteFrom the very first line, Anna says "ask Rundee to gallop...hard". That's not something someone would yell out in the middle of fleeing danger. The rest of the dialogue is very heavy too. In the middle of searching for Claire, she says to the horse "Let me fix your saddle...and put your lead rope on" I didn't believe she was scared for her friend at that point.
Work with balancing action with shorter dialogue to create the immediacy you need.
Good job, and I am hooked, but LD Pauling covered most of what my thoughts are. The shift to Claire disappearing, her somewhat awkward dialog as Authoress said - these things can be fixed with relative ease.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Sorry! I think this opening needs a lot of work. First off, it's not clear that the two girls are on horses. And why are they in a storm?
ReplyDeleteIf we move beyond that and to the scene in the forest where Anna looks for Claire, I felt like the writer was telling me that Anna is worried and can't find her friend rather than actually tapping into the emotinal intensity of how a young girl would act if really faced with this situation.
This just means the writer needs to work on mastering the craft. Luckily that's what a good critique group will help this person do but I wouldn't read on. This writer isn't ready yet.