TITLE: Crevan Fox
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Crevan has a huge crush on Elizabeth and a huge rivalry filled with lots of
animosity towards her brother, Nate. Crevan gave Elizabeth a kiss, Nate
wanted to make sure he wouldn't try it again. A fight ensued and the boys
went off the side of the pier, into the ocean. Elizabeth's best friend,
Toby, was there with her when it all happened. It's nighttime, 4th of July,
fireworks are going off...
Elizabeth stood up, ready to jump off the dock, into the ocean where
the two boys had fallen. Toby grabbed her around the waist and held her
back.
"No, Lizzy, don't," he shouted in her ear. "You'll never be able to
help him by jumping in there."
"That's my brother, Toby! What else am I supposed to do?" she
yelled, trying to pry his fingers off her and kicking back at his legs. He
didn't let go.
"What's that? Stop it, Lizzy," he yelled, shaking her hard. "Look!"
Elizabeth looked where he pointed in the sky, toward the
lighthouse..
Something floated in the air coming towards them, lit by the
fireworks shooting into the sky. It dropped into the ocean right in front of
them.
"What was that?" Elizabeth asked. She squirmed out of Toby's hold to
get down on her knees and look.
The flying figure emerged out of the water, holding two things at
its sides. Water splashed and dripped as it flew back where it had come
from the top of the lighthouse.
Elizabeth watched in confusion.
"Come on Lizzy," Toby yelled, grabbing her hand to help her stand.
He tugged her toward the beach.
"What about Nate and Crevan?" she asked.
"That was Nate and Crevan. Didn't you see?" Toby pointed at the
sky. "Something just snatched them out of the water and took them up there!"
"But no one knows how to get into the lighthouse," Elizabeth cried.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Sounds like a great grabber. I'd read on to find out what happened to the two boys. Who took them, and how they'll get out of the lighthouse.
ReplyDeleteI'd like a little more description of the flying figure though. Does it look like a person? Does it look like a grotesque creature. You say it was lighted by the fireworks, let us see it. unless it was only backlighted by the fireworks, if so, you could still offer some kind of shadowy description. And why was it that Toby was able to see that it picked Nate and Crevan up and Lizzy didn't? You'd think the boys would have been kicking and screaming.
Good ending. I want to know what happened.
I agree with Charlie V, it's very interesting and I would keep reading but what about the flying creature's description. Unless it all happened so quickly that you didn't know what it looked like but in that case, Toby wouldn't have known it had grabbed Crevan and Toby.
ReplyDeleteI like it though, I want to know what happens next.
Agreed, I'd like to know a little more of the creature looked or the feeling it provoked. Good or evil.
ReplyDelete(Disclaimer: I don't read YA much, so I don't know how helpful my comments will be.)
ReplyDeleteElizabeth stood up, ready to jump off the dock, into the ocean where
the two boys had fallen.-- I don't think you need to explain why she wants to jump. Perhaps you could remove everything after "dock."
I agree more detail about the flying figure would be helpful. It sounds as if it enters the water close to the dock, so Elizabeth and Toby ought to be able to see some details, especially if Toby can identify the two boys.
Water splashed and dripped as it flew back where it had come
from the top of the lighthouse.--We know it came from the lighthouse, so I don't think you need to repeat it here.
That was Nate and Crevan.--To me, this was the strongest stopping point for the chapter. We don't need Toby to tell us what just happened, and I think the part about not getting into the lighthouse could wait until the kids get there.
I'd read on.
Hope this is helpful.
The flying "figure" is too vague for me, but other than that, the action is good and I'd turn the page to find out what the snatcher is.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds very interesting. I agree with the other comments. Also, I got hung up on the part where it said "holding two things at its sides." I think it would have more punch to say or describe it as something other than 'things' maybe say something like it emerged from the water bulkier than it went in or something like that.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with a previous commenter on ending it sooner. I think you could even let it end at the part where the flying figure emerged and went back to the top of the lighthouse. It would leave it as more of a cliffhanger.
I like it and would want to read more for sure.
There are some pretty high stakes here. Lizzy's brother and crush may be drowning, and some flying thing just snatched them out of the water and carried them to the (abandoned?) lighthouse.
ReplyDeleteStill, something didn't connect with me. I think that it may be that it was lacking an emotional resonance with me. It's like the story is going through all of the right motions, but its heart isn't in it. You could ramp up the anxiety level that Lizzy, and the reader, should be feeling by SHOWing the answers to a few of these questions: Is Lizzy feeling sick to her stomach with anxiety? Is she crying? On the verge of tears? How is she angry at Toby? Sure she's kicking at him, but considering he's focusing on some birdthing and not her brother...
Also, how close are they to the lighthouse? Would she be able to see water dripping off the trio in the sky in the dark from a distance?
Overall this is a strong piece, but it just didn't capture my imagination. Then again, I'm just one opinion. Good luck!
I agree with the other comments. This needs some tightening. Don’t be afraid to let the reader put things together. I thought the following parts were unnecessary:
ReplyDelete“…into the ocean where the two boys had fallen.”
“What else am I supposed to do?”
"Something just snatched them out of the water and took them up there!"
We definitely need a tad more about the “thing,” otherwise we have no idea what to visualize, so even some vague description would help.
Also, I think this particular line needs something more to help us shift from one event to another. Toby didn’t come across as very surprised to me. He needs an action or something...
"What's that? Stop it, Lizzy," he yelled, shaking her hard. "Look!"
An example:
“What the?” Toby froze. “Lizzy? Lizzy stop,” he yelled, shaking her. “Look!”
Overall this seems like a pretty dramatic end for a chapter with plenty of hook to draw your reader into the next one. Great job!
I guess my main question is: why doesn't Elizabeth realize that the "two things" the flying figure is carrying are Nate and Crevan? She seems to be watching just as Toby is, but Toby gets it and Elizabeth doesn't. With Elizabeth as your POV character, you lose a lot of the oomph you'd get if Elizabeth herself realized, "OMG, some thing just flew away with my friends." Instead it gets filtered and it loses impact.
ReplyDeleteGood cliffhanger, though. What will happen?! Tune in next week...
Some creature just flew out of the water carrying Nate and Crevan and Elizabeth is worried about getting into the lighthouse??
ReplyDeleteThat doesn't make any sense.
I think you need more description - of the creature, of the scenary.
Overall, I thought your writing was clean.
Can you articulate what "something: is? It would give us as readers something more concrete to focus on.
ReplyDeleteI didn't think it was clear that the figure came from the lighthouse. Toby pointed toward the lighthouse, is all, and that seemed like a general direction to me rather than a specific point of origin. It may not matter, though; the relevant fact seems to be that it's taken Nate and Crevan to the lighthouse.
ReplyDeleteI took wonder why Toby knew the creature had pulled Nate and Crevan out of the water and Lizzie didn't. Is she that distraught? Has she dropped her glasses? A few words about that would be helpful.
I'd say, "Something just snatched them out of the water and took them up to the lighthouse!"
"But no one knows how to get in there," Elizabeth cried.
Okay, awesome grabber! What's in the lighthouse? I would like it more if she realized that thing grabbed her friends and she freaked out a little for them though...like maybe she saw the thing and then was like oh how will I get them, no one can get into the light house... etc. But I am not sure if it's about her or if it's more about everyone... so maybe I am just making stuff up haha!
ReplyDelete