TITLE: Mystic Taxi
GENRE: Steampunk Urban Fantasy
This chapter is close to the end of the book. Henry and his friend Levi combine their ability to summon demons and capture all the Snit demons in New York city to store them in a butcher shop freezer where the demons will freeze and become powerless.
It took only minutes to draw them in as a fisherman might haul a net full of fish. Together, they directed their catch toward the open freezer door. Henry opened his eyes to see the swarm of individual blue energies tangled together and vibrating as if agitated. Snits hated the cold, and being forced to enter a frozen environment against their better judgment made them struggle. But they were no match for two Bringers with stronger wills than theirs.
Once the last of the Snits curled its way inside the freezer, Henry broke from Levi and slammed the door shut.
"We did it." Henry shook his fists above his head. "We did it!"
An explosion rocked the shop so hard Henry was knocked completely off his feet, forcing him flat on his back to the tiled floor. Shards of glass rained over him and black smoke billowed from a hole in the wall. The smell of gunpowder permeated the air.
He watched a blue stream of energy shoot out from the gaping hole. The Snits. They were escaping.
"Levi!" Henry coughed as he sat up and waved his hands to clear smoke from the air so he could see. "Levi, we have to call them back. They're getting away! Where are you?"
Eunice struggled to a sitting position beside him and made a choking sound while pointing a shaky finger. "There."
Levi's masked head lay on the floor ten feet away.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Heh. Your title gave you away. I know who you are. But I won't say. ;o)
ReplyDeleteYou've done a good job of maintaining the tension here. Readers might want your - uh - head for killing off a main character, mind you.
The visuals are good. I didn't have trouble picturing the scene. Your flow is good too. Nice smooth reading.
I didn't like the line at the end of the first paragraph. It was too "telly" for my taste and this late in the game, probably unnecessary. For me, it was the only bump in the flow.
Now I want to know: who caused the explosion? :o)
There's good action here and some well thought out world building with the snits. I don't know if I'd read on, but I liked the "masked head" cliffhanger.
ReplyDeleteI think you could tighten the scene by doing a little more showing and a little less explaining.
Instead of explaining that the snits don't the cold, just show it:
And I'd pump up the pace when the explosion hits by shortening some of the sentences.
Instead of:
An explosion rocked the shop so hard Henry was knocked completely off his feet, forcing him flat on his back to the tiled floor. Shards of glass rained over him and black smoke billowed from a hole in the wall. The smell of gunpowder permeated the air.
Maybe try:
An explosion rocked the shop. Knocked off his feet, Henry hit the tiled floor, hard. Shards of glass rained down and black smoke billowed from a hole in the wall. The smell of gunpowder choked the air
Nice description of the Snits in the first paragraph. I don't think the last sentence of that paragraph had more telling than showing. I liked it.
ReplyDeleteNice action!
This would definitely make me want to read on!
ReplyDeleteWhere exactly did the explosion take place? Was it in the freezer, or some other part of the shop? I would have liked to have seen some build-up to the explosion.
An explosion rocked the shop so hard Henry was knocked completely off his feet, forcing him flat on his back to the tiled floor.--I don't know if we need the detail about the tiled floor here; it's a distraction.
He watched a blue stream of energy shoot out from the gaping hole. -- I assume this hole is in the freezer?
Henry coughed as he sat up and waved his hands to clear smoke from the air so he could see. -- I think this sentence would be stronger if you remove the last four words.
Eunice struggled to a sitting position beside him and made a choking sound while pointing a shaky finger.-- It seems like all of the action is taking place at once here, which might be a bit much. Consider breaking this up into two sentences.
Hope this was helpful.
I loved it. I love the cliffhanger on the end, though I'm obviously wondering how he's talking if his head is...um...there. But that's exactly why I'd turn the page!
ReplyDeleteI like the tension in this and your kicker last line. Oopsie, just lost a character.
ReplyDeleteTwo things:
It's not clear where the gaping hole is. In the freezer, I'm guessing, but the description of the explosion doesn't clarify that.
The first sentence of your 4th paragraph, is bit of a clunker. (Ha! I made a car joke. Sorry. ;o) "So hard" seems overkill, as any explosion hard enough to rock a building would be pretty hard. Similarly, "completely" is unnecessary. I've never seen someone knocked "partially" off his feet. That's actually a rather morbid picture. The action would be stronger if the explosion simply knocked him flat on his back.
I'd read on!
Good end -- a hook that would make me want to read on.
ReplyDeleteGenerally strong writing. My only nit is the name "snit" -- can't get Harry Potter and the snitch out of my mind when I see snit. Sorry! May just be me.
Agreed with others re: the last sentences of the first paragraph which are a bit of an info dump -- you could consider including a brief bit of info like this:
Together, they directed their struggling catch toward the open freezer door where the cold would disable them.
That way you can delete most of the second last sentence.
Good luck with this!
The genre description got me interested.
ReplyDeleteI really like this. I love "Snits", one letter away from a real insult, and the fact that a character's head was blown off, really got my attention (maybe just me but hell I'm a reader and I buy books so if I like it...)
Has a real good feel about it. I would definitely read more.
Well done.
Joe.
This was great! I read through it really fast and when I do that, I know I like it AND I know I want more. I agree with some of the other comments above. I would definitely turn the page - that last sentence really got me.
ReplyDeleteDisclaimer: this is such a small snippet, and we all have our own individual biases and tastes.
ReplyDeleteIn general I thought the writing was fine but could benefit from some streamlining of sentences and a few stronger word choices, to up the ante on the drama and tension. One of the helpful things I've learned from a published author/writing teacher is that what you write goes through three filters - 1)from your brain to your pen, 2) from your pen to the paper, and 3) from your paper to your reader's brain. So it sort of gets diluted. That's why word choice has to be sharp and strong, and, I think, in an alternative/weird universe type setting, particularly unique.
Phrases I think could benefit from stronger/more unique word choices/phrasing are:
An explosion rocked the shop
The smell of gunpowder permeated the air.
He watched a blue stream of energy shoot out
These aren't bad - I just strongly suspect you have the ability to push it to the next level.
I love the idea/set up, by the way. I don't read this genre, but I have a feeling this story is a heck of a lot of fun. Thanks for sharing. Nice work!
I'd like to see the Snits struggling against being forced into the freezer. They must know it'll put them out of commission, and they've got to have a pretty strong objection. How does this battle of the wills thing work? Are the Snits too complacent? Do they have an idea that escape will be facilitated? Obviously you're not going to explain it all right here, but a reference - or foreshadowing, if that's appropriate - would be intriguing.
ReplyDeleteI didn't think Levi was talking. Henry spoke to him, and it was Eunice who pointed out that Levi's head was 10 feet away.
I'm curious about a lot of things here, and would definitely read on.