TITLE: Cakewalk into Purgatory
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
Bliss’s evening didn’t really begin to suck until she remembered that she’d forgotten to brush her tail. The guard hairs stuck out at odd angles, and the skin underneath itched from accumulated dandruff. Worse, she’d somehow managed to sit on the end in her nervousness. The tip was beginning to fall asleep, prickling with the uncomfortable sensation of pins and needles.
The human peered at Bliss with concern when she turned over her shoulder to glare at her tail for the sixth time. “Is something wrong with your scarf?” he asked, “It’s very trendy.”
Bliss caught the end of her tail in her hand before it twitched. “Oh, um, it’s nothing,” she assured him with a nervous giggle as she patted her “scarf” back into place around her hips. “I noticed I was sitting on it. That’s all.” She flashed him a toothy grin and instantly regretted it. No doubt fear chilled the human to the bone as soon as he saw the sharp incisors jutting out of her gums…
The human squinted under in the dim lighting of the café and leaned back in his chair. “Well, moving on,” he said, his eyes not leaving her teeth. Bliss closed her mouth with a snap. “I’m David Atherton, the manager of Brick World Café.” He held his hand out, and Bliss shook it.
“Bliss Vulpie,” she introduced herself, “Violinist.” She smiled again, this time without opening her mouth.
Your opening line is very interesting. It tricks the reader a bit which is fun. I'm interested to know what kind of creature Bliss is! I'd suggest perhaps working on the dialogue a bit. Would a boy say 'trendy'? That made me picture a girl (one who cares about fashion even) so when the next line said 'he', it threw me. Also, David says 'moving on' and then introduces himself. That section came across as awkward to me. I would take out 'moving on' and just have him introduce himself. I like that she is a violinsit...will she play in the cafe on weekends? interesting...
ReplyDeleteA clever idea and an interesting protagonist.
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit confused though as to why he can't tell that her tail is a tail, not a scarf, but he can see her teeth.
If she's not using some kind of glamour, calling the scarf a boa would make more sense.
I love the whole tail thing - a good hook to get me to read more. Then when we find out she's *arranged* it as a scarf in her *human* form - love it.
ReplyDeleteWatch dialogue - make it believable (as Tess said). But good job!
The first line is great -- really piques the interest.
ReplyDeleteI only have a few queries.
Six times turning around to glare at her tail before rescuing it seems a bit unlikely. Wouldn't she feel it getting pins and needles, glare once, then release it?
I think the sentence, "No doubt fear chilled the human to the bone as soon as he saw the sharp incisors jutting out of her gums…" isn't needed. The surrounding sentences and David's fixed look at her teeth convey the meaning.
"Well, moving on" did confuse me a bit because I'm not sure what he's referring to. That bit may not be needed either.
Bliss Vulpie. I like the name!
Over all, an intriguing beginning. I would read on.
I like this. I thought it had a good voice. It felt a bit playful and mischievous, which made me think she was a cat girl.
ReplyDeleteI realized after I re-read it you don't actually say she has a cat tail. After I looked at the title and saw "Purgatory" I thought maybe she had a demon tail.
My first impression was that she was a humanoid, but had cat ear (hidden somehow) and a fuzzy cat tail, sticking out, but looking to humans like a "scarf."
I like the details about the smile, and how she assumes her teeth frighten the human. (I wondered if she was right, or if she misjudged how humans actually saw her). Even her name is cute.
And I like that she's not just a cat or devil woman, but a violinist. :)
Hooked. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteYee-es. You've got some wonderful descriptors of your mc. I agree 6x is too much. She'd just fix it. Also, do a search on your ms for "beg" and try to remove all began, begin, beginnings, etc. EX: Bliss's evening didn't really suck until... That said, the situation is intriguing. Clean up your dialogue and yes, I'd keep reading.
ReplyDelete;D I am very amused by the many attempts to guess what Bliss is, but I thought I'd just clarify:
ReplyDeleteShe's a kitsune (a fox shapeshifter)
My first thought, believe it or not - was this mental image of a fluffy Disney character hanging out in a regular coffee shop.
ReplyDeleteSecond read, I'm thinking it's more along the lines of a lady with certain animal characteristics. And that snagged my attention. :]
I like your opening line, which immediately lets us know that Bliss is not human, without going into too many details. That sentence alone makes me want to read more about her.
ReplyDeleteI would take this sentence out of the third paragraph: No doubt fear chilled the human to the bone as soon as he saw the sharp incisors jutting out of her gums…
In this instance, less is more. You mention her "toothy grin" and then the first sentence of the next paragraph lets us know (shows us) that the guy is totally staring at her teeth. I think it's much more effective without the extra sentence between.
Lovely irony, too, in the final paragaph -- a tail and all those nasty teeth, and she's a violinist! Love that.
I'd keep reading. Really liked the opening line, but I had to read it twice..Huh? forgot to brush her tail? LOL!
ReplyDeleteNICE!
(smiles) I'd guessed she was a fox, mostly from her last name! :D
ReplyDeleteI think the opening could be a bit less-vague, though. Bliss knows what she is and why she needs to hide it, so she doesn't need to be vague about it. Not to say that she needs to reveal everything all at once, but she acts a bit like she doesn't know what's happening, which I don't think was your intention.
But other than that, this was a good read!
Small typo. In the second to last paragraph choose either "under" or "in the".
ReplyDeleteYes, this was interesting. The dialogue did trip me up a bit. I agree about the "moving on" comment. I think the premise is clever, though, so I'd probably keep reading.
I loved this. I can just imagine this creature with the incisors, grinning at him and trying to hide her bushy tail.
ReplyDeleteTha dandruff in the tail just cracked me up. Funny. I'm definatley hooked.
Haha I just have to tell you what my word verification is: roodwoly.
I thought she was a fox! Starting off, I had her pictured like a Disney character, too. I like your start.
ReplyDeleteI was on the fence until you told me she's a fox shapeshifter. For that, I'd continue.
ReplyDeleteI do like the writing and wouldn't mind seeing where this is going.
I loved the first line. I'd definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI also think the 'dim lighting' explains why the human thought her tail was a scarf. Then again, if the lighting is so dim, how could he see her teeth? Did they glisten whitely?
Overall, well done.
Yup, I'm hooked...a little. I'm interested to see where this is going.
ReplyDeleteI would totally keep reading. The tone is fun, the story is interesting. good luck to you!
ReplyDeleteI think this is a lot of fun. I'd change up some of the dialog - asking if something was wrong with the scarf and then saying it's very trendy felt odd. I'd also work with the "no doubt" line. But this seems like fun and I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThis is certainly not bad. Scene is fairly well done; I'm just not sure I get it. Do humans know about others in this world or do they not?
ReplyDeleteIs Bliss trying to pass for human? Why is she so nervous? Because she's interviewing for a job or because she's trying to pass for human and interviewing for a job? Rather a big difference there.
World building is the toughest thing to nail in urban fantasy.
I'd like to offer a big thank you to everybody for their opinions and critiques--especially the Secret Agent. Your advice (however harsh it might be) means a lot to me.
ReplyDeleteHugs to Authoress and my fellow post-ees too. Critting everyone else's work was fun and educational--and I hope it helped. And Authoress, you are a superhero. Honestly.