"HIT ME. I NEED THE MONEY," it said. The bumper sticker was peeling from the back of my dad's old Ford Econoline forever, but it never made an impact before I learned to read. A half second to decode the words, followed by a long week thinking about them.
I was four and a half the first time I found out money was a struggle, and three years later when I bolted up in bed in the middle of the night, wide awake but super confused. I had no idea how late it was, but the TV was as black as the hallway, so I knew it was probably later than I'd ever been up before.
I had to stare past the shadows flickering from the only light in the house, a single bulb in middle of the kitchen. I could hear my parents talking. I crept as quietly as I could and sat down in the hallway beside the kitchen door.
"I don't know what else to do Debbie," I heard my father clearly. "We just don't have the money."
I felt my stomach twist and tangle into tiny knots, like it does sometimes, then picked myself up and crept back to my bedroom where a mountain of worry kept me from sleep for a long, long time.
The next day was the last one my sister Nicky or I ever spent at "Horizons," the private school our parents had been sending us to since forever.
I wouldn't continue reading. I think you have the buds of a good story here, but it needs editing.
ReplyDeleteThis particular sentence was hard for me to read.
I was four and a half the first time I found out money was a struggle, and three years later when I bolted up in bed in the middle of the night, wide awake but super confused. I had no idea how late it was, but the TV was as black as the hallway, so I knew it was probably later than I'd ever been up before.
thanks for posting.
I didn't care for the first paragraph. The sentence structure is awkward. I think a better hook is the first line of the second paragraph, even though the sentence is a fragment.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of your story, but the writing itself needs to be cleaned up. For example, you don't need to say - the only light in the house - and - a single bulb in the middle of the kitchen.
As I read the last sentence I got frustrated. I felt like you led me to believe that this family was about to get kicked out of their house and she goes to private school? I would think the worst thing that would happen is that she'd have to go to public. Wouldn't someone that can affort private school be able to afford lights? I felt led on.
I'd read on if more was at stake than just private school. Private school just doesn't seem to fit with the characters you've created.
I loved the description of the bumper sticker that you start off with. I think the long sentances hurt the pace and are confusing. That's something I'm always looking for in my own writing, so it jumped out at me right away.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the previous poster that more needs to be at stake than private school and I'm guessing that more is, but perhaps you might consider revealing the conflict earlier on. Good start!
I did like the beginning with the bumper sticker, but I got lost in the run-on of the second paragraph. In the fifth para-"picked myself up"-kind of jarred me as I read. Also, this child knew about money struggles from the age of four and a half, but still had the privilege of private school? Best wishes!
ReplyDeleteI liked the bumper sticker and the set up - but the part where your MC knew about money at the age of 4 threw me off. Perhaps you need to start in a different place - where story questions would be raised.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
There are actually several different possible beginnings here, muddled together.
ReplyDeleteThe bumper sticker is great. It snagged my attention, and it obviously relates to the theme of the book. But the impact of the bumper sticker in the first sentence is drained in the second sentence. It made no real sense to me to have someone who had just "learned to read" figure out what that really means. I have a son who is just learning to read. He wouldn't get the joke, trust me.
Plus, a bumper sticker just isn't something which should be talked about in dreamy retrospective. It's such a great detail, it could give such a feeling of immediacy, if part of a scene which is happening right now.
Next confusion -- four and a half and three years later? What? Do you mean the PC (male or female?) read the bumper sticker at 4 and then overheard the conversation three years later? No, no, this doesn't work!
My advice -- drop the retrospective. Don't tell us "I found out money was a struggle." You don't need to, because you show it a few paragraphs later. Start with those:
The TV was as black as the hallway, but I heard voices. I knew it was probably later than I'd ever been up before....
Throw in the bumper sticker detail later, without particular emphasis, as a subtle bit of world-building.
And watch the "forevers". The phrase "since forever" could be character voice, since it feels young. Above, however, it's just grammatically incorrect to say "was peeling...forever". You have to say "had been peeling...forever".
Yeah, whatever everyone else has said. I'd start with her creeping down the hallway and hearing the conversation, only keep going with it. "We just don't have the money for???" Let her hear the debate between her parents. You fill the reader and the character in at the same time that way. Also, please make it more compelling than private school. That automatically made me lose sympathy. It's also out of place with how you've described the house.
ReplyDeleteMy goodness the text is small... :[
ReplyDeleteNeed a little punctuation nudges in spots...
Also, because you start off with the bumper sticker, I thought that the character was outside in the garage.
"we just don't have the money" <- if I heard that line, I wouldn't have immediately made the 'dire straits' connection. People say that when they don't want to spend money on something they don't want - it doesn't necessarily mean that there isn't money period. Might want to lead the reader a little more. Like have the mom slap down a bunch of bills on the table, crying...
That said - I would definitely read this. Nice job<:
I understand that you are trying to set the scene for the rest of the novel, but this is all backstory.
ReplyDeletePerhaps there is another way you can let us know about this? Something more "in the present," so to speak? The reference to the bumper sticker is great. But I think less needs to be said about it -- the first paragraph is too cumbersome.
I'm also wondering how much a 7-year-old would understand about grown-ups not having money for something. Unless, of course, it's a very precocious 7-year-old.
Clever title, by the way!
I'm having trouble imagining the narrator here. His voice is very grown-up, as he imagines being 4, or 7. How old is he now? I'm sure we'll find out soon, but I wonder.
ReplyDeleteAlso, if he was 7 and a half when he left the private school, I don't see how he could have been going there since forever. He'd only be in 1st or 2nd grade. Maybe that seems like forever to a kid?
I love your title and the bumper sticker, but a few of your sentences don't make sense.
ReplyDelete"I crept as quietly as I could and sat down in the hallway beside the kitchen door."
The writing would flow better if you rearrange into "I crept down the hallway as quietly as I could and sat down beside the kitchen door."
"I felt my stomach twist and tangle into tiny knots, like it does sometimes, then picked myself up and crept back to my bedroom..."
I would delete the "like it does sometimes," and clarify on the subject of the "then" clause. It feels like a dangling modifier.
I'm having problems identifying if this is the narrator speaking to us in his present (i.e. seven years old) or from an older age. If he is seven, the language doesn't fit as it sounds way too mature for such a young child.
ReplyDeleteAnd ditto that this line is overly complicated and a bit confusing: I was four and a half the first time I found out money was a struggle, and three years later when I bolted up in bed in the middle of the night, wide awake but super confused.
I agree with previous posters. I have one issue with the school's name. In many cities, Horizons is a school for students with severe behavior disorders or psychological issues. This may be what you had in mind, but it doesn't seem so from the start.
ReplyDelete--Lo
Your writing has a lot of promise, but beware of the cliche! For example, "a mountain of worry" - I think I've heard that one before.
ReplyDeleteRemember, writing is like toilet paper. You don't want to use what's been used already. *grin*
Also, I have a seven year old, and although she's very bright and intuitive, she would not put together inferences concerning financial matters. And my five year old? Starting to figure out bumper stickers? No way. They may ask me questions about these things. Like, "Why do we have to change schools?" or "What does your bumper sticker mean?" But they wouldn't be able to arrive at these conclusions themselves, and they definitely wouldn't lie awake at night worrying about them even if I did explain it to them. Now, if I had to start selling their toys on ebay to pay the bills, well, maybe then I'd get a reaction. There are lots of ways you can show the financial stress without telling about it.
I like this sentence: "I felt my stomach twist and tangle into tiny knots." But i think it would be stronger if you did away with the filtering "I felt" and just stated the main thought of the sentence: "My stomach twisted and tangled into tiny knots."
ReplyDeleteYou have several places where you could cut a few words and strengthen the writing.
I agree with the others about some things they've stated. The idea of an old Ford Econoline and a naked light bulb does not go along with kids in private school.
Good luck!
Keyboard Hound
Well, I think everything has been said above. However, I liked the story so far and with some editing I would defiitley read on. So I'm hooked anyway.
ReplyDeleteI have a feeling this will be a great story.
The bumper sticker was peeling from the back of my dad's old Ford Econoline forever, but it never made an impact before I learned to read.
ReplyDeleteI'd take out forever. It sounds off to me.
This isn't bad, but it seems to be just backstory. Is there another place you can start?
I'm not sure that I would read on where it stands now.
Good luck though.
Not hooked, sorry. I think you should go from here:
ReplyDelete"HIT ME. I NEED THE MONEY," it said. The bumper sticker was peeling from the back of my dad's old Ford Econoline forever, but it never made an impact before I learned to read. A half second to decode the words, followed by a long week thinking about them.
to here:
The next day was the last one my sister Nicky or I ever spent at "Horizons," the private school our parents had been sending us to since forever.
Delete the rest. Four and a half year olds don't have mountains of worry. Actually, I don't think they spend a week thinking about things either.
I'm pretty much with everyone else. I can't get a good feel for your narrator's age from her/his voice, and it took me a bit to put some of it together, and since I'm an adult and you're writing for middle readers, I think it needs to be clarified. I also lost empathy with the narrator on the last lines about having to go to public school, but perhaps the story goes on from there. I do think you've got a good idea but the opening IMO needs more work.
ReplyDeleteWell, I think everything has been addressed, I just want to add my opinion in here. I want to keep reading, but I find it hard to be totally involved with the story. I keep thinking more about "If money is tight, why are they going to private school? I didn't think someone so young would understand like that so well," and so on. Work on it some more, clean it up some, you've got a good storyline going.
ReplyDeleteI have mixed feelings on this one. I like the opening. It's very different. But I'm not sure how old our narrator is and whether there is something occuring in the actual real-time narrative part of the story to merit this reflection on the narrator's part.
ReplyDeleteStill, I'd probably read on a few more pages to see if the writing smoothed out or if my questions get answered.