TITLE: Zero Matter
GENRE: Sci-Fi
Adam has just finished a thirty-six hour shift absorbing and shedding a body of regular matter under the watch of Dr. Marcus. After the practice session, they go together to his eighteenth birthday party which is interrupted by General Brayton.
“Really, you don’t know? Can’t guess? I thought you were supposed to be a genius,” General Brayton sneered.
Dr. Marcus’ face turned ash gray.
“When?”
“About twenty minutes ago. Completely destroyed the creation lab. They knew right where it was. We figure this place is next on their list.”
General Brayton stepped back, pushing the door open with his shoulder and waved a hand. More soldiers entered the room with a coffin shaped box.
“Why are you doing this?! Dr. Marcus?! What’s happening?! Where are they taking me?!”
“Tanner, shut him up,” General Brayton ordered and his lackey moved to push another command on my chest.
“No,” Dr. Marcus objected firmly and then addressed me. “Adam, I need you to calm down and…”
“Not gonna happen until someone tells me what the hell is going on!!” I shouted.
General Brayton nodded to Tanner who waved over the soldiers with the gun metal gray body box. I screamed at them every profanity I knew in as many grotesque combinations I could think of. They picked me up, dropped me into the box like a sack of dirt and closed the lid.
After I stopped screaming, I endured every bump and jolt of the move in complete silence and darkness. It felt like they were wheeling me on a dolly through the halls of the lab. They stopped and started again regularly several times, obviously going through the secured doors to get out of the station. I counted the stops and at number twenty-three, whispered to myself.
“Happy birthday. You’re out of the lab.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
First of all, I love SF, and I don't read enough of it. I need to change that. So thank you for this. 8^)
ReplyDeleteThere are 3 people in the room, yet when they talk, they all sound the same and it's hard to tell who speaks without identifying them in some way. Doesn't have to be a speaker tag, could be an action, but as is the dialogue runs together and it's confusing.
Please don't put ?! at the end of sentences. The way he speaks will eliminate the need for ! And we can't tell who it is any way.
You can't sneer words. A sneer is a facial expression.
The hook at the end didn't hook me. I can't tell if the narrator intentionally made a scene to get put in the box that would get him out of the lab, or if he's just being facetious about it being his birthday.
I like the last two paragraphs, particularly as they hint at Adam's longing to "escape." Or that's how I read it--he wanted out of the lab, now he's out of the lab.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on, but I'm not a big fan of how you're tackling the dialog. Gen. Brayton comes off as a cardboard cut-out bully, no subtlety. You're also stepping outside what's acceptable punctuation wise, with Adam's dialog. !? is a kind of telling that Adam is upset/scared/angry. Don't take short cuts. Show me he's upset through his own senses.
I have to agree with the previous comments about everyone sounding the same. I had to go back and re-read a couple of times to figure it out. However, I disagree with the sneered comment and I believe the dictionary will prove otherwise. So I think this is perfectly fine. I think I would read a little more to find out what is happening to this poor guy and why.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked, but I agree that the dialog needs to be clarified a little. The three voices do all sound the same.
ReplyDeleteWhen Adam first spoke, I didn't know it was him. Maybe precede that with some sort of description of what he was seeing/feeling/thinking?
I love SF and I'd love to find out what happens!
I agree with the others. The voices sound the same, and you're doing something I used to do - trying to be creative and avoid the word "said." Here in your excerpt, everyone sneers, objects, shouts, orders. If you read some books on writing technique, they'll say to use the word "said" about 90% of the time because "said" is silent and lets the spoken words speak for themselves. Yeah, I know, in school I wasn't taught to write that way, but teachers also said to use constant adverbs.
ReplyDeleteThis is trying hard to be a dramatic scene, and instead it's chaotic. Lots of yelling that sounds alike. I don't have any reason to feel sympathy for the main character.
Also, watch out for cliches like "a sack of dirt" and "ash gray" ("ashen" would work and not be redundant).
I had a hard time with the point of view - at first I thought you were writing third person - and then realized that "Adam" was narrating. I agree with your previous comments, direct the conversation with identification markers such as said (and saying), and avoid clichés as they can kill interest in your story.
ReplyDeleteGreat chapter ending here! I would definitely read on. Where are they taking him? Why are they taking him?
ReplyDeleteIt was a little bit hard to figure out what was going on, but it worked for me since your narrator didn't know either. However, I'm not sure if that would work as well if I hadn't been dropped into the middle of things. Just a note.
Nitpick: "General Brayton nodded to Tanner who waved over the soldiers with the gun metal gray body box." (Did you mean with the gun AND the metal grey body box? I'm confused.)
Good luck!
Wow. This is really interesting. I rarely read sci-fi so it’s a nice change for me.
ReplyDeleteThoughts:
I agree with the others. Dialogue needs work. You definitely don’t need the ?!s – that wouldn’t last with an editor. It might be acceptable very, very rarely but not like you’re using it.
Also, I felt like I needed some kind of action or set-up for when Adam starts talking/freaking. Maybe break it up with a tag, thought, or action.
Example:
More soldiers entered the room with a coffin-shaped box. I knew the box was for me.
“Why are you doing this?” I yelled. “What’s happening? Dr. Marcus? Where are they taking me?”
***
Also, this line: “I screamed at them every profanity I knew in as many grotesque combinations I could think of.”
Take out “at them” and the sentence will read tighter. We know who he’s screaming at.
Love the last line though, and I think I’d like it even better if I truly understood what all was going on. Keep at it!
If Adam is going to say "Where are they taking me?" then I think you need to set up first that they are trying to take him somewhere. All it says is that they entered with a box--how does he know the box is for him?
ReplyDeleteAlso 23 steps really isn't that far, especially if there are several hallways with secured doors. You might want to increase the number.
I like the last line--it raises all sorts of intriguing questions. I think it's a good chapter ending.
I agree that there are too many different speech tags and the dialogue is confusing. Even though it is in Adam's POV, I don't feel I know what he is experiencing and don't feel as engaged with him as I would like.
ReplyDeleteI was puzzled by this 'his lackey moved to push another command on my chest.'
One bit of confusion might could be cleared up by saying "gun-metal gray body box," so it's clearly descriptive.
ReplyDeleteIn addition to wondering how Adam knows the box is for him, and why he thinks Dr. Marcus is complicit, I am curious about why Adam's resistance is only verbal.
And I think that 23 was the number of secured doors they passed through, not steps down the hallway. But "stops" is easy to misread as "steps."
There's clearly a lot we don't know here -- and despite the over-enthusiastic punctuation and voice-sameness, I'd read on in search of answers.