TITLE: The Power of Five
GENRE: Women's Fiction
Kristen Barfield has just seen on the news that her rapist, Jamie McAdams, has been shot to death in his home following a confrontation earlier in the day between Kristen, him, and Kristen's four best friends. Struggling with her feelings following the death of a man she so despised, she goes to a local church to reflect on the day. There, she runs into one of her friends, Bree, who was present for the earlier confrontation.
Bree had turned and was now facing forward in the pew again, a silence having settled over us as we watched the candles in front of us flickering on the altar. I imagined the people who’d lit each of those candles, a small prayer for someone hurt, sick, or suffering. I wondered if God could see those lights from heaven, distress calls flaring from out at sea.
&n bsp; I thought about Jamie McAdams, wondering if someone somewhere would light a candle for him. I knew I’d never be able to bring myself to do it.
The thought not just my own, Bree finally spoke after a long few minutes of nothing but the soft licks of the candles' flames. “So,” she said plainly with no hesitation, “did you shoot him?”
I thought for a moment, wondering how to answer such a heavy question loaded with so many complexities. “Nope,” I said, my heart crammed painfully with emotion. “But if someone else didn’t, I might have.”
Bree nodded slowly, then she stood up and walked toward the altar to the hundreds of little candles burning there. She picked up the small lighter sitting on a table and clicked it on, staring at its flame for a moment before lowering it to the wick of an unlit candle. She held it there until the wick caught fire, bringing the lighter up slowly before flicking it off.
She turned her back to the candles and said to me, “For whoever did.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I absolutely would turn the page. The last line surprised me -- perfection!
ReplyDeleteA few comments to tighten the writing:
The first sentence would be stronger if you wrote: "Bree turned and faced the front of the sanctuary. Silence settled over us as we watched the flickering candles on the altar.
Love the next couple sentences in this paragraph. Nice.
Second paragraph, second sentence -- I think a shorter version would make it stronger and more powerful. Even something as simple as "I wouldn't."
The phrase "The thought not just my own" seems awkward to me and I think you could easily leave it out. In fact, I'd leave out most of that sentence and just say "So," Bree said, "Did you shoot him?"
Then I wanted you to SHOW me through inner thought, body movement, powerful words the full range of Kristens emotions. You tell me that she has them, and I can imagine what they might be, but this chapter ending would be SO MUCH more staggering and deep if you put them on the page.
IN the next to the last paragraph, I'd drop the words "hundreds of little candles burning there." You've already established that the candles are there on the altar and burning.
The last paragraph or line, I'd drop everything but the last three words -- "For whoever did."
Wow -- great ending, great hook. Just tighten the writing a bit, cull excess words and multiple mentions of the same things, and lay Kristen's heart wide open on the page and this is going to be a winner.
I agree with everything Being Beth said. I understand you were setting mood and increasing tension with the detailed description of Bree lighting the candle, but for me, it was too much. There's just too much focus on the candles here, and not enough on the emotion.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the bad grammar is on purpose, but if not, in the line "But if someone else didn't, I might have" that should be hadn't instead of didn't.
Nice writing and good chapter ending. I'd definitely want to read on.
I want more! Great job, I agree with more emotion, though. In dialogue, I write how people speak and they certainly don't speak grammatically correct.
ReplyDeleteExcellent end.
Good stuff! Killer last line.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Being Beth that some tightening is in order, but that's an easy fix.
The emotion came through for me just fine. It was subtle enough that I could see it. i didn't find it too telling. It's a stylistic thing, I think.
Lovely job!
Loved the last line! Definitely hooked. Just a little bit of tightening up the writing, and this will be a great excerpt. I'd to know exactly what emotions Kristin is feeling, too.
ReplyDeleteI really like this. Good, great job! This story looks like it’s going to be packed with a lot of emotion.
ReplyDeleteNoticing the candles didn’t bother me. I thought they fit well because I pictured her being in one of those zoned out stares while she grasped with everything that just happened.
Fantastic ending.
I didn't read the other comments, so please forgive any repetitiveness.
ReplyDeleteI really like the premise here and think that I would really like Bree. She seems like my kinda girl.
As far as the chapter ending compelling me to turn the page, this one didn't. It almost felt like a great ending for a short story, and without having read what leads up to it...
As far as the writing goes, I think that you could tighten up your sentences a bit to give it some more emotional punch and make it a little more show-y.
For instance, many of your sentences start the same way:
~"I imagined..."
~"I wondered..."
~"I thought..."
~"I knew..."
~"The thought..."
~"I thought..."
A lot of these sentences could be reworked to better reflect Kristen's narrative voice and to show more of what's happening. I think if you do that, you'll have a very powerful story. Like: "Could God see those lights...?" and "Though I knew I'd never be able to light a candle for Jamie McAdams, maybe someone else would. Maybe they already had." etc.
Nitpicks:
~Bree had turned and was now facing forward in the pew again, a silence having settled over us as we watched the candles in front of us flickering on the altar. (You could break this up and get rid of the "in front of us". They can't watch candles behind them. ;) -->Bree had turned... A silence settled over us as we watched the candles flickering on the altar.
~“So,” she said plainly with no hesitation, “did you shoot him?” (By placing the tag in the middle of the dialogue, you are creating hesitation. It reads as if Bree paused after so. The statement, and Bree's boldness, would be stronger if you didn't break it up with a tag.)
Although I probably sound supercritical, I see a great deal of potential here. Good luck!
(If you have any questions, please e-mail me: samantha[dot]elliott[at]gmail[dot]com.)
Great last line! I would definitely read on based on this ending.
ReplyDeleteDespite the first person POV, I felt strangely distant from the MC. Given the blurb, I think she would be feeling more or even noting to herself that she felt nothing or less than she expected. I agree with another commenter that you could take out a few of the "I wondered" and "I thought" and "I knew" so that we get right into her POV.
Could God see those lights from heaven...
I'd never be able to bring myself to do it.
Would someone somewhere light a candle for Jamie McAdam?
How to answer such a heavy question loaded with so many complexities?
You can see how this gets directly into her mind rather than having her tell us what she's thinking.
Good luck with this!
Completely agree - great last line. This is well-written. I don't read women's fic, so I'm going to stop yapping before I say something useless. :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Being Beth 100%. I've noticed she's given a lot of great critiques! :-)
ReplyDeleteAbout the candles, I agree and disagree. The way you explained them was realistic and I was able to picture the scene perfectly in my head. So great job there. It would definitely be to your story's advantage to show the protagonist's emotions much more throughout. You may have already done this earlier in the chapter.
This is definitely a page turner. I wonder, though, how the story will evolve with the rapist dead. I would hope this is one of your last chapters in the book because otherwise, I don't see how there could be much more of a story. Then again, you could surprise us.
The last line---definitely something I didn't expect. Great hook!
Thank you to everyone who has given me a crit so far, and I welcome any others.
ReplyDeleteTo answer the question, yes, this chapter is close to the end, but not quite. In the story, there is still quite a bit to resolve, including who exactly did shoot Jamie.
Thank you again!
I agree totally with Beth's comments and that you have a great hook at the end.
ReplyDeleteGet into Kristen's POV and lose the qualifiers. Too much thinking, wondering going on, all creating distance between you and the reader.
If you can make it tighter and leaner, I think this could be very powerful.
I agree with Beth's comments. I'd shorten some of the sentences. This one really confused me.
ReplyDeleteThe thought not just my own, Bree finally spoke after a long few minutes of nothing but the soft licks of the candles' flames.
I love the plot and the characters, plus women's fiction is one of my favorites, so I'd say hooked. Love that last line.
I like the candle stuff. The light and heat and hypnotic visual is opportunity for a lot of metaphor that can bring out the MC's inner feelings.
ReplyDeleteI agree that some of the suggestions for tightening would work. My question is whether you want to tighten it, or whether you're showing us that Kristen's thoughts are a little fuzzy around the edges right now, as she tries to get her head around the implications of what's happened.
Love that last line. Sounds like Bree's a good friend.
This is such an emotional passage, I think a few shorter, punchier lines would drive home the feelings better.
ReplyDeleteThe lights flaring at sea was off a bit to me and you could give that a more immediate reference.
"I thought for a moment, wondering how to answer such a heavy question loaded with so many complexities."
She shouldn't have to think about this. She either did or didn't shoot him. The pondering can come after the answer and then the, "I might have," line.
Just a little bit of tightening and this is awesome sauce.
The last line is perfect.
Good job with this, and I would turn the page.
Julie