TITLE: The Preliator
GENRE: Young Adult Urban Fantasy
The ending of chapter two is pretty self-explanatory: a teenage girl and her ally fight an unidentified monster.
The monster suddenly stood over me, moving so fast I never saw it coming. Just as I picked up my sword, Will’s fist collided with the side of its face and its body smashed into the pavement, shattering the asphalt. I jumped to my feet and Will stepped back to me.
“You good?” he asked, his gaze locked on the creature’s black, glossy eyes.
“Never better,” I said. “Thanks for covering me.”
He nodded once.
The beast climbed to its feet and let loose a low, rolling earthquake of a growl that I felt to the bone. It sprang and charged at me, jaws gaping. I tried to jump out of the way, but its mouth clamped around my arm and shook me violently. The teeth bit into me and rattled my body midair, blinding me with pain. It let go and I fell to the ground and looked up. Will had it by the throat, his arm buried elbow-deep in thick fur, miraculously forcing the beast back.
“Now!” he shouted.
It thrashed like a giant pitbull and broke free.
I shoved my sword into its soft under-chin and straight through the top of its skull. The creature’s legs buckled as its fur shimmered oddly in the streetlight. The tail crumbled and vanished. The rest of the body disintegrated in front of me, bursting into a cloud of charcoal ash, until finally the head and muzzle disappeared, leaving nothing but empty space where a monster had just been.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Love a good monster story! 8^)
ReplyDeleteThe choreography in this is a little off, and I'd have liked more senses used, particularly smell, which evokes emotion in the reader. What does this beast smell like, especially when it opens its mouth? Maybe something unexpected? Bubblegum? Roses? I don't know, some of contrast would help make it more distinctive. Just a thought.
The monster got hold of the POV character. So when it let go, which I assume is what's meant by "broke free," I'd think the character would stagger, almost fall, just miss getting munched on again... It all happens too fast. I can't see it. With the damage the beast is doing, I want to see the character earn her survival. Whipping out a sword and killing it dead is too pat for me. I want more suffering, damn it! 8^) Kidding. The damn it part, not the suffering. I still want that.
I think I'd like it better if the ending was less predictable. Maybe a twist of sorts? The vanishing dead thing is kind of common, so it would be fun to see something unexpected happen. Again, just a thought. Otherwise, this works fine.
Yeah more action! Maybe a hundred gerbils crawl out from his fur.:-)
ReplyDeleteJust wondered what Will was doing, I thought he had his eyes glued to the monster. Have the monster swipe him away like an annoying gnat.
And yes, remarkably, his breath was minty fresh.
LOVE IT!!!
Thanks, lovelies! And yeah, all monsters have bubblegum breath, donchaknow. He's also an avid flosser. Peeples just get stuck in his fangs, and you know how that is... I think you might have something there with the gerbils bursting out of his fur. ;-)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the input! Because it's the end of the scuffle/chapter, the bad nasty was described pretty well a few paragraphs before and I didn't want to get redundant.
Okay, so the smell's been addressed. Thank goodness for monsties with good hygiene habits. ;o)
ReplyDeleteAlthough I know there's action preceding this that I don't know...the phrase "suddenly stood over me" doesn't really work. "Suddenly" is always suspect, but I also don't know how "suddenly standing over someone" would work. Does the monster leap onto her?
Similarly, "miraculous forcing the beast back." Are to take that seriously--that it's by miraculous means? Or is it just physically an amazing expenditure of strength?
Also, I wonder if the narrator doesn't shake off her injuries a little too quickly. After the moment of the injury, she doesn't remark on it again.
Wow, Will's fist collided with the side of the monster's face but that didn't break his hand. Because that monster must have been rock hard for the asphalt to shatter.
ReplyDeleteWatch out for the logic in your details. Or else you can ruin an otherwise good piece of writing.
Good luck with this!
I love the imagery here, and depending on the specifics of the story I would probably keep reading.
ReplyDeleteIf I may make a suggestion though... While your description of the action is very vivid, the pacing is off. For an intense action scene like this, short, pointed sentences would really set the tone for me. I just felt a little bogged down by the long, complex sentences.
That said, I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing, and good luck!
The writing was great...but after reading Rick Riordan's Lightning Thief, I'm wondering if this would be better suited as MG/upper MG. It could be the fighting the monster thing, however. Perhaps it tips the scale into YA elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteVery good- the pace was lightning fast and the details were great. the only thing that tripped me up was "nodded once"- I think just "nodded" will work. I would read on just to see what this story is about.
ReplyDeleteAn intense scene and I'm assuming that the monster is described earlier.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that troubled me is that the narrator doesn't express pain or emotion at being thrashed about by the monster.
I would probably read on.
A little too much telling for me. It seemed clinical in the action description
ReplyDeleteI would prefer to get deeper into the POVs observations and experiences. Yes, knowing the smell would have worked better, but how did it feel, what kind of pain, grogginess did she experience?
I am interested in Will's almost superhuman capabilities. Are they expected or a surprise?
The beast climbed to its feet and let loose a low, rolling earthquake of a growl that I felt to the bone.
ReplyDeleteRe-write suggestion for this great line: The beast climbed to its feet and let loose a low, rolling growl-- an earthquake that I felt to the bone.
The rest of the body disintegrated in front of me, bursting into a cloud of charcoal ash, until finally the head and muzzle disappeared, leaving nothing but empty space where a monster had just been.
Re-write suggestion: The rest of the body burst into a cloud of charcoal ash, the head and muzzle disappearing,empty space where a monster just stood.
Just style preferences that I think make it stronger.
Good luck
I know this is an action scene, but it seems rushed to me. I'd like to dwell a bit more on the details.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Will seems super human in many ways, is he? He hits a monster that cracks asphalt and then grabs it by the throat.
That being said, this has the promise of an exciting story and I think one ya or mg would enjoy.
Good luck with this.
Sorry for the late critique.
ReplyDeleteI love, love, love the action. Nothing makes you want to read more than ending on a good action scene, which you pretty much have down here. Uh, surprisingly, I don't have much to say here. It seems clean and well-written to me. I can follow it, and the tension is good. Keep up the good work. This could turn out to be something really fantastic.
Good luck!
This is good, but it feels like a good place to take a break and fix myself a snack.
ReplyDeleteI think this is one case where all the dialogue tags aren't necessary.
"The teeth bit into me and rattled my body midair"
the teeth rattled my body?
"It thrashed like a giant pitbull"
not sure what image I'm supposed to get here. I've never seen a pitbull thrash.
"shimmered oddly"
I can't picture this.
"The rest of the body disintegrated in front of me,"
delete in front of me. Unnecessary.
I would like a little more description, but overall very well done.