TITLE: Paladin's Pride
GENRE: Epic Fantasy
Gentyl is desperate to learn to fight and maintain her position in the military unit. A pirate has agreed to give her some sword fighting lessons in exchange for a kiss if she loses. He baited her into the trap with the first match.
“Are you certain? You don’t want to take some time and think about it. Perhaps think about the moment of repayment? Savor it?” He smirked again, making her madder.
“I think not,” she snapped. “I won’t be in debt to you and I certainly don’t want to think about you or your prize.”
“Very well.” He leaned closer and whispered in her ear. “Paladin’s pride. It will be your undoing.”
Just as the first battle was mere bait for the full trap, so was the kiss. When he finally released her, she could only say one thing. “What…”
“It’s called desire, Little One. And now I must be gone. They’re always punctual, always on time.” He looked over her shoulder and pulled his hat low. She saw him dart to the side of the inn and pick up the last tankard of ale before he disappeared around the corner. His men had slipped away silently as ghosts and were nowhere to be seen.
She wondered what he had been speaking of before turning to leave, then took one step. Her heart stopped for a long moment when she recognized the patrol standing before her. Captain Longbough’s face was the color of beets. The troops behind him stood erect, like statues. No movement. No sound. Barely a breath.
“Fall in, soldier.”
She snapped to attention and saluted. “Yes, sir,” she said, trying to imagine what she would look like with a shaved head as she was drummed out of the company.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Girl with a sword…gotta love that.
ReplyDeleteTthe tone here felt like romantic adventure. Nothing wrong with that at all! But if you were striving for fear or tension, you might want to change it up a bit.
Also, check out the first two sentences:
“Are you certain? You don’t want to take some time and think about it. Perhaps think about the moment of repayment?
I'd make it one sentence with a question mark at the end. Or if you want two sentences, you need a question mark on sentence two.
I liked this... though I've seen some excerpts and the query for this one (grins) so I might be less confused at only 250 words than most readers.
ReplyDeleteI do agree with the first commenter that there's something off in those lines of dialogue but I would go the other way. Instead of combinding them into one sentence, I might break it up:
“Are you certain? You don’t want to take some time and think about it?" Then add some action on his part. A look or movement to let us see his demeanor, I'm thinking cocky by the dialogue... and then continue with the dialogue.
Geat job, though. I'd turn the page :-)
Overall, pretty good! I have a few suggestions for the sixth paragraph:
ReplyDeleteI'd cut "making her madder." It's telling, and the fact that she snapped her reply shows us that much better. :-)
This sentence: His men had slipped away silently as ghosts is narrator speaking instead of in her POV like the rest is. How about showing us her thoughts as she realizes that his men are gone, and she didn't see them leave?
She wondered what he had been speaking of before turning to leave... Instead of TELLING us that she wondered, how about simply giving us her thought? ie: "What was he talking about? Who was always on time?"
...then took one step. This lost me. Who took one step? Did she? Why only one? It simply seems like there is so much focus on her taking one step, and I don't see why. I'm wondering if you are simply trying to portray that she started to move away when something occurred to her and made her halt in her tracks.
Her heart stopped for a long moment when she recognized the patrol standing before her. It's kind-of backwards to tell us that her heart stopped before we know why. Let her notice the patrol and stop. Then say that her heart stopped.
Hope this helps!
Tee hee...
ReplyDeleteThe narration does a great job of making her seem confounded and even a bit desperate, despite the few words.
I was, at points, lost in exactly what she was doing, but that's to be expected coming in at the end and it only distracted a bit.
I did wonder what the pirates men, who were apparently standing by(?) thought of all this; I expected a bit of hooting and cheering, but they were rather closed-mouthed for scalawags.
Great work here!
I'd like to read more of this...both to find out whether she manages to talk her way out of this incident, and to find out why she's in a military unit without knowing how to fight. Overall I found the writing quite gripping. Just a couple of odd bits:
ReplyDelete"It's called desire, Little One.." Whose desire? Is he telling her why he set this up, or what she is feeling?
"...before turning to leave, then took one step.." seems awkward to me also.
Tell more about the kiss. I was confused by his words afterward. Had she enjoyed the kiss? Did it last a long time? His words don't make sense when you have no idea how she reacted.
ReplyDeleteMy next question is out of my ignorance since this is just an end of the chapter snippet - is she a paladin already? Or is her desire to be a paladin well known? It comes across at the end that she's a soldier answering to a captain, so the man's mention of "paladin's pride" confused me a bit since she is low-ranking. Paladins are generally among the highest military ranks.
I would want to read more just because I have a thing for paladins.
So her Captain saw her kiss a pirate? Oh snap. I'll admit it, I'm intrigued. The writing is vivid and nicely paced. I also like her voice.
ReplyDeleteDo their uniforms require hats? She might need one...
Great job and good luck!
Deb, you are spot on with the comments. Funny how you can look at something and not see what is so obvious.
ReplyDeleteIt's an epic fantasy mystery with a lot of humor, though there are romantic elements. Romance proper? No, I am not that talented.
I can see agents everywhere cringing at that description.
Thanks so much for your comments and help.
Merry, yes, you've seen quite a bit of this, including the infamous query.
ReplyDeleteYour advice has always been so helpful and I thank you once again, my friend.
I'm definitely going to fine tune this a bit based on the help here.
Kathleen, the advice was perfect. I really do appreciate it. I'll be incorporating it.
ReplyDeleteJulie
You have helpful suggestions here, so I'll just note that I too wanted to know more about the kiss -- specifically her reaction. Her "What ..." could be confusion, annoyance, surprised attraction, etc. (Or all three.)
ReplyDeleteAlso, "they're always punctual, always on time" -- both mean the same thing (unless there's some hidden meaning that would be clear to people who've read up to this point). Why not just say "They're always on time"?
I liked the idea of a soldier who might get drummed out for kissing a pirate, and a pirate who timed it that way for nefarious purposes.
Wulf,
ReplyDeleteCan you tell things have been hectic?
I've been on a slash and burn kick since the book came in at 165,000 words and cut some things I shouldn't have. The first kiss was described in detail so I cut the description of the second one.
Thanks so much for commenting and I will be adding our suggestions to the revision.
Julie
"It's called desire, Little One.." Whose desire? Is he telling her why he set this up, or what she is feeling?
ReplyDelete"...before turning to leave, then took one step.." seems awkward to me also.
Joanna, thanks for looking at this and commenting.
These are good catches and I will be refining this.
I really do appreciate the help.
My next question is out of my ignorance since this is just an end of the chapter snippet - is she a paladin already? Or is her desire to be a paladin well known? It comes across at the end that she's a soldier answering to a captain, so the man's mention of "paladin's pride" confused me a bit since she is low-ranking. Paladins are generally among the highest military ranks.
ReplyDeleteI would want to read more just because I have a thing for paladins.--
He has tagged her with this nickname even though she is just a recruit in a newly formed all-women unit. His father is one of the few paladins in the kingdom and the pirate despises him. Hence, his turn to piracy to disgrace his father.
She does eventually become a paladin, but it is a long, long way down the road.
Thanks so much for commenting. The first kiss is described in detail, but I cut the second description to save words.
Julie
So her Captain saw her kiss a pirate? Oh snap. I'll admit it, I'm intrigued. The writing is vivid and nicely paced. I also like her voice.
ReplyDeleteDo their uniforms require hats? She might need one...
Great job and good luck!--
Oh, it wasn't her captain, but the captain of a rival unit who wants the women disbanded. This gives him more ammunition against her captain.
*snicker* Yes, indeed, she might need a hat.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
Julie
Also, "they're always punctual, always on time" -- both mean the same thing (unless there's some hidden meaning that would be clear to people who've read up to this point). Why not just say "They're always on time"?--
ReplyDeleteIt's a speech pattern of his, but I can easily cut this and save a few words.
I liked the idea of a soldier who might get drummed out for kissing a pirate, and a pirate who timed it that way for nefarious purposes.
Oh, yes, the kiss was not on accident. He is up to no good. Durned pirates.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.