GENRE: Middle Grade:
Blurb: Molly has captured a baby bush rat and kept it hidden in her bedroom. Now she’s taken it to school for Show and Tell.
Angela glared at Molly. “You’re in big trouble for bringing a rat to school.”
“Am not!” Molly squinted meanly at Angela.
“Are too!” said Angela.
“You should give it rat poison,” said Timothy.
Glaring at Timothy, Molly said, “You shouldn’t do that, stupid. Then it would die, and a bird could fly down and eat it. Then the bird would be poisoned.”
“Well, feed it to a magpie without the poison then,” said Timothy.
Molly leaned over and held her fist under Timothy’s chin. “You keep away from my pet, Timothy Mulehead. I don’t like you any more.”
“Mucky Molly,” laughed Timothy.
Miss Nutley held up a box. “Okay, children, sit quietly please. You all brought wonderful items, but there can only be one winner. And the winner is … Lara Bell.”
Molly scowled, then smiled and sprang to her feet. Clapping her hands, she yelled, “Yey! Lara!” She threw her arms around Lara’s neck and hugged her.
“Don’t squash me to death, Molly,” said Lara.
Miss Nutley carried a container to Lara’s desk. “Congratulations, Lara. You can pick a prize.”
Lara looked in the box and picked out a purple pencil case.
“That’s cool.” said Molly.
“Sit down, children,” said Miss Nuttley. “I’ll have to take that rat to the principal’s office. We can’t keep it in the classroom.”
As Molly sat down, she noticed Timothy Molesworth sneaking up to the teacher’s table. She put her hands on her head and yelled, “NOOOO!” But it was too late.
Timothy opened the lid of the cage.
The problem with only 250 words is leaving the reader confused on which way it goes but all in all, I really enjoyed this one.
ReplyDeleteGrammar is good and the storyline does carry on, would like to know what happens next and already have a slight hatred for Timothy!
Of course I would read on. Now that the bushrat is loose, anything can happen. I like the diaglogue and the descriptions.
ReplyDeleteGood cliffhanger at the end.
I'd read on to find out what happens with the rat. It's a cute idea for a story, and I remember reading part of it--probably the first 250--before.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that's bothering me this time is that the voice sounds like an older person trying to sound like a young person. Does that make sense? I'd suggest that you work on making the voice more authentic.
Good characters and I like the names.
I like it. When Molly held up her fist to Timothy, I could see it happening in my mind (a sign of good showing).
ReplyDeleteThe part where Molly scowled then sprang to her feet was a little weird...maybe I'm alittle thick and don't get it, but in all, I would read on to see what damage a rat can do.
Nice! I sure hope Miss Nutley is afraid of rats and I'd read a bit more just to see :)
ReplyDeleteHa! After that tag I am definitely reading on!
ReplyDeleteI agree with those that said they want the kids to sound like kids... I think that would be very difficult... you want them to be well written and easy to read, but you also want them to be authentic. (Mental note to self, don't write middle grade it sounds hard!)
I love that Timothy boy.... haha he wants to go for the poisoning! I am already VERY intrigued by him!
Let's poison Timothy!
ReplyDeleteI like this, and you've definitely got a cliffhanger!
I think you could add just a bit more detail with Miss Nuttley. It just seemed a little abrupt to me when she announced there would be a prize and then instantly announced the prize winner. I want to see her rummaging through the box and pulling out a name. For me it would just add a bit more tension to the scene.
Can't wait to find out what the rat does. I personally hope he bites Angela, because I know she's worse than Timothy.
This sounds younger than Middle Grade to me... much younger.
ReplyDeleteBut it's a great cliffhanger. Well done!
I really like this one. The writing is clear and it's a cute scene.
ReplyDeleteOne suggestion- The dialogue seems a little antiquated to me. Most teachers, especially younger ones (is Miss Nutley young?) wouldn't say "children" repeatedly. "Sit quietly please" is another one. Maybe it's just because I'm an elementary school teacher.
And the fist under the chin, "you keep away from my pet" seems very cliche.
Small detail- Does Timothy's last name change?
I really want to know what happens after the rat gets out!
I agree with Heather, this sounds younger than Middle Grade - Show & Tell is usually for quite young children, and the 'am not/are too' doesn't ring true for 8-12 year-olds to me.
ReplyDeleteThe threat of rat poison, though, is appropriately nasty. If you want to keep this as an MG novel, really try to harness the sharp edges of that age group, as you have with that section of dialogue. Don't underestimate how intelligent, aware and even cruel kids that age can be!
Great cliffhanger.
It's cute. :)
ReplyDeleteIt does sound more like kindergarten/first grade, though, than the age range I'd associate with MG.
And the rat being loose in the room sounds like it'll be fun... so it is a good chapter ending.
This is sweet and I envy the tidyness here<:
ReplyDeleteOne suggestion is maybe break up the action and dialogue with a little more narration in spots. Sort of like show what's going through Molly's head. Emphasize her as your main character.
I agree with most everyone else. The dialogue is good and you left a nice cliffhanger.
ReplyDeleteRat on the loose.
I would read on.
Thanks everyone, you’re all awesome. All your comments are helping me. Originally this was a 13,000 chapter book, but a publisher requester the full manuscript and after reading it told me she enjoyed the story, but it was too long for that age group to read. So I’ve changer Molly’s age to nine and added more. Now it’s a 20, 000 word book for reader’s nine to eleven.
ReplyDeleteThis chapter was the one I was struggling with, that’s why I posted it. I have changed her dialogue in most chapters, but haven’t quite got it right in this one, so all your comments are helping a lot.
GraceR, I would love some advise on what a teacher would say to the kids. Yes the teacher is youngish. Molly change Timothy’s name from Molesworth to Mulehead as an insult. Also what age is Show and Tell? Molly is about to have her ninth birthday and is in third grade.
This book will be classed as Young MG. I have a series of ten books with the same characters. and yes, the rat causes havoc in the classroom.
Megs, yes I’m working on that one. I have in other chapters and missed this one so thanks for pointing that out to me.
Thank you all. I have some great advice to work with now.
Heh, fun and cute. I'd flip the page to find out what Molly does.
ReplyDeleteNice job.
~Merc
Excellent ending for this chapter. I can't not go on to the next page with the rat loose. Just a nitpick, though- I don't think "laughed" is a dialogue tag. Otherwise, very good!
ReplyDeleteHi Trish,
ReplyDeleteI love your voice - but I would peg this for early chapter book. Kindergarten and First Grade have show and tell, that's ages five through seven.
The children's voices are definitely in the five or six year age group. If the editor thought it was too long for the age group, I'd edit down the story rather than change the character's ages... unless you want to do a complete overhaul of their characters, because they don't sound old enough for middle grade readers.
But, with a little editing, I think your voice is very good for early chapter books. This feels a lot like Junie B Jones to me (which I think is high compliment for that age group)... but I don't think the subject matter or voice works for an older audience. By nine they want to read about 11-14 year olds and by 11 they want to read about teens.
Hope that helps some. If you don't follow editorial anonymous, you might really like her blog. She's a children's editor and also has up an anonymati site to critique first pages.
Hi Trish-
ReplyDeleteIn response to the teacher question- the teacher would probably refer to them as "third grade" or "guys". Like "Ok, guys. Have a seat." or "please listen, third grade." Also, to get kids attention teachers will do things like clap a pattern, then the kids repeat the clapping pattern. Or say "1,2" then the kids say "buckle my shoe"..or something like that.
Show and tell usually ends at about first grade. But, kids frequently bring unsolicited items to class - sometimes the teacher will let them share, sometimes not.
Sorry about the Mulehead thing...Now I get it! Not sure why it escaped me the first time!
Good luck!
Grace
I liked the pace of this excerpt. The dialogue was crisp and believable between the kids. I think you communicated the emotion very succintly, but I can see your dilemma about the age group they represent.
ReplyDeleteI would agree that discussion about the poison is not a grade one thing, but I would buy it for grades three or four.
I would certainly turn the page - loved the ending here.
Hi, Merry Montelone, I am in the process of doing a complete overhaul of this book. This chapter is the hardest because of the Show and Tell. It’s a very important chapter in the whole book and I didn’t really want to delete it. I have managed to change the voice in the other chapters okay, but I’m still working on this one.
ReplyDeleteThe story is set in a small village in Australia. I asked at the local school here where I live what age does Show and Tell stop. They told me at about eight, but sometimes, they still have it for older kids. I’m hoping I can keep it in the story. I’m hoping to keep this book as Younger MG if I can, as I have ten books going all at once.
Thanks for that site link, I will check out.
GracieR, thank you. They were great suggestions. I will use them in my stories. Maybe I could just have Molly take her item. I didn’t want to lose the other items really. The whole chapter is one of my favourites in the whole book.
Thanks everyone. You’re all awesome.
Thank you Authoress, this is all fantastic.
Here is my re write after all your great crits. Will it work this way?
Angela glared at Molly. “You’re in big trouble for bringing a rat to school.”
“No, I’m not!” Molly gave Angela her meanest squinty eyed look.
“You are too!” said Angela.
“You should give it rat poison,” said Timothy Molesworth.
Jumping from her seat, Molly leaned close to Timothy. “People shouldn’t poison rats, stupid, ‘cause when they die, birds eat them. Then they get poisoned.”
Timothy curled one side of his mouth. “Duh! Just feed it to a magpie without the poison, Dumbo.”
Molly held her fist under Timothy’s chin. “You stay away from my rat, Timothy Mulehead.”
Pointing at Molly, Timothy looked around the classroom. “Hey, Mucky Molly collects vermin now.”
Miss Nutley clapped her hands. “Okay, guys, enough. Pay attention, third grade.” She held up a box. “You all brought wonderful items for your very last Show and Tell, but there can only be one winner. And the winner is … Lara Bell.”
Molly scowled, thinking she should have won. Then, feeling happy for her friend, she smiled, sprang to her feet and clapped her hands. “Yey! Lara!” She threw her arms around Lara’s neck and hugged her tight.
Lara struggled to breath. “Hey, don’t squash me to death, Molly.”
“Congratulations, Lara,” said Miss Nutley. “You can come and pick a prize.”
Looking in the box, Lara picked out a free pass to the local Animal Park.
“That’s unreal.” said Molly, wishing it was hers.
“Okay, kids,” said Miss Nuttley. “I have to take that rat to the principal’s office. We can’t keep it in the classroom. I’m relying on you all to behave while I’m gone.”
When Molly turned around to glare at Timothy, she froze. She put her hands on her head and yelled, “NOOOO!” But it was too late.
Timothy had sneaked up behind the teacher and opened the lid of the cage.
I think your revisions here are much better than the original posting, as Molly's reactions aren't as all over the map. Depending on what age you're shooting for here, some of the words might not be appropriate (ex: vermin).
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone, after all your wonderful advice, I've decided to change it back to a chapter book. That way I can keep the 'Show and Tell' chapter.
ReplyDeleteWriters are such wonderful people. This is a great community.