TITLE: Krelis
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Krelis is a story of seven wizards who cross the lands in search of magical dragon stones. The chapter end I chose to post is where Krelis, the main character, walks into
Loci's, a woodelf, house and finds him dead.
Loci's, a woodelf, house and finds him dead.
Resting Loci gently on the floor, he stood up and walked into the bedroom. The bags laying on the bed tore a new hole in his heart. He took them, placed them on the ground, and removed the beautiful hand sewn quilt. He draped it over his arm and went back into the sitting room.
Lowering his eyes, he placed the quilt over the wood elf and said a silent prayer. When he was done, he leaned over the body and whispered his words of promise again. “I swear to you that some way I will end all of this. I will seek revenge.”
He placed a kiss on Loci's forehead. “I will truly miss you.” Turning, he walked to the door and hesitated with his hand on the knob. Glancing back at his friend one more time with anguish on his face and a single tear running down his cheek, he backed out of the doorway and pulled the door shut. Fresh tears blurred his vision as he staggered back down the walkway and untied his horse.
Mounting it, he pulled the reins with more force than he needed. The horse reared as it spun around.
“Sorry, Glladier, but we have to make haste.” He knew time was running out. He rode out of town and galloped down the road heading toward Allassé . He must reach Tlaloc before the evil reached him first.
Very well written but maybe a better set up would have helped and why your MC cared so much for this wood elf.
ReplyDelete"The bags laying on the bed tore a new hole in his heart." Why? That left me baffled reading the rest.
Over all nice chapter, not sure what a Tlaloc is but am sure it was described before or after this chapter.
This is a poignant scene with potential to really grab the reader. What it needs is some good, strong editing and tightening.
ReplyDeleteGRAMMAR ALERT:
The bags laying on the bed tore a new hole in his heart.
The correct word is lying. ALWAYS be sure your grammar is correct.
You've got a lot of sentences that begin with gerunds, to the point where it becomes distracting:
Resting Loci gently on the floor...
Lowering his eyes...
Turning, he walked...
Glancing back at his friend...
Mounting it...
Most of these sentences need to be rewritten so that there is more variety in your sentence structure.
Tighter, cleaner writing will make this scene shine!
Agree with Authoress's thoughts on the voice (I think I'll just put that in the rest of my comments: agreed with Authoress, agreed, agree, What? She didn't comment? Well if she does I'll agree)
ReplyDeleteOf course, it's hard to feel a sense of the dead friends value in so few words -- I'm sure the rest of the chapter would help quite a bit.
That said, I would like to see a bit more about what "the evil" is. Nameless evils are boring. Now, give it a name, some organs, and--dare I suggest--a worthy cause other than "declaring war on peace and happiness", and I think we're in business.
Very sad scene. Promise of revenge? That makes me want to read on to see if he accomplishes it. Since we don't know the evil, it's probably not as much of an impact as it would be if we knew or had read more of the story.
ReplyDeleteI think this one suffers from Drop the Needle syndrome. We don't know who Loci was, or what significance the bags held.
ReplyDeleteI agree that you need to vary your sentence structure more. I'm sure it's clear if we've read more, but in the last sentence I can't tell if the "him" refers to Krelis or Tlaloc.
The anguish on his face and the single tear seem overdramatic rather than emotional. Pull us more into his point of view.
I like the detail of pulling the rein too hard, and the horses reaction. That does a better job of showing his emotion.
I won't repeat what was said above, but I agree with it.
ReplyDeleteI will say that the forehead kiss seemed odd to me. It's a pretty intimate gesture, especially to a dead body. It made me think they were lovers or brothers or parent and child, so you'll want to make sure they have that kind of relationship if you're going to use that intimate of a gesture.
I also thought the dialogue was stilted. Maybe read it aloud and see if you can smooth it out.
Oh, and the words of promise seemed like angry, vengeful words... so having him whisper them without any emotion was hard for me to visualize.
It's always interesting to find proper names in sci-fi and fantasy. I take it that Tlaloc is a person or a place. In ancient Mexico Tlaloc was the rain god. Not having the material preceeding the chapter end makes it harder to feel all the emotions in the goodbye. I would read more of this for sure. Perhaps there's a way of making an echo of the event or events in the last few sentences. Certainly, the emotion is there.
ReplyDeleteIt's a good, sad scene, but some of the sentences were stiff. The line with "tore a new hole in his heart," is awkward and cliched, though your intent is clear.
ReplyDeleteAs for the horse, if this is his named horse, why is it called "it?" Surely he knows the gender? Be sure to clarify this.
In the last paragraph, "time was running out" is another cliche. Make it something new. The sun was low on the horizon, or dusk hovered, etc. Cliches are fine as placeholders for the first draft, but be sure to eradicate them as you edit. That's something I've learned the hard way.
I really liked this. I wish I knew what the bags were for and what the evil is. Cuz I'm a sucker for battling evil. Good job! :)
ReplyDeleteAhhhh. High fantasy. I'd read on for that fact alone. Manly elves being a close second reason. :]
ReplyDeleteI think there were a couple things I nitted about as I read - the 'lowering eyes' and also the spinning horse. But yes, I like the looks of this.
No, sorry, nothing really grabs me here and makes me want to flip the page. Admittedly I'm highly picky about high fantasy right now, so that could be more of the issue than the actual ending for me. Keep in mind. :)
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
Very poignant. I agree with the others regarding the tightening and the grammer issues, but those are minor. One thing I might suggest that could potentially add to the mood you've created would be for the MC to touch the wood elf in some way, i.e., pick up his hand, cold to the touch, and remember how it felt just a short time before when it was warm and soft with life. Something like that.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious as to who killed him, or how he died. I'm sure you probably explained this earlier. It's so hard to take a chunk out of the middle, but I like this scene.
There is potential here for a lot of tension in this ending due to the emotions involved, but the writing is a bit awkward and takes away from the effect.
ReplyDeleteFirst, there are a few clauses with starting with "ing" words -- Resting, lowering, turning, glancing, mounting. This is a common misuse of the present participle. By linking a present participle to another action, you suggest that the two actions occur at the same time, which is not possible.
For example, you can't rest something on the floor and stand up and walk at the same time -- one action has to occur before the others.
Resting Loci gently on the floor, he stood up and walked into the bedroom.
This could be rewritten to:
After resting Loci on the floor, Krelis stood up and walked into the bedroom.
More important is the lack of emotion in such a potentially emotional scene. You have Krelis resting, standing and walking. This is all just action with no emotion. Why not focus on his emotions while this is taking place? He should be incredibly sad, but I don't get this from the narrative even though you have told me he has a tear on his cheek.
Good luck with this!
There some grammar things I'm going to point out first then I'll get to my overall view.
ReplyDeleteWhen you have a sentence like 'Resting Loci gently on the floor, he stood up and walked into the bedroom', you are implying that Krelis is resting him on the floor AT THE SAME TIME as he is standing up. Which, to me, doesn't sound possible unless Krelis is dropping him on the floor. And that's hardly what I call being gentle. Check out SELF-EDITING FOR FICTION WRITERS for more info on this common mistake.
Same thing for, 'Mounting it, he pulled the reins . . . ." Is Krelis pulling on the reins at the same time as he is mounting the horse. Always ask yourself, can your character physicially do both actions at the same time. In this case he can do both but the horse might not be too impressed, and Krelis would have a hard time mounting the horse. At least from my experience.
'He rode out of town' doesn't sound very urgent. To me, rode implies a casual ride. You might want him galloping out of town instead (just don't hurt anyone in the process).
I'm going to assume there's something important about the bags for such an emotional reaction. We can't expect everything in a little burb and 250 words.
The phrase 'Glancing back . . . ' is very long. Pick either anguish on his face or a single tear running down his cheek (which shows us he's anguished, anyway). Less is more.
In the blurb you wrote the word woodelf as one word, but it's two words in the story. Was this a one time error, or have you made this a consistancy issue throughout the book? Just a thought. It might only be an issue here because of your haste to get your entry in before eveyone else.
I like your writing (other than the above comments), but I found your dialogue a little cliche. Cool names though.
Good luck!
I liked it but is Loci the wood elf? What?? I'm a little lost but I agree with everyone else, tighter and cleaner would make this a good piece of work!
ReplyDeleteI liked this. The character voice is good, and the sentence pacing fits the scene very well, IMHO.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't a fan of the last sentence, though (He must reach Tlaloc before the evil reached him first.) just because "evil" as a title has gotten so overused in the fantasy genre since Tolkien that it makes me cringe. But other than that, I'd definitely read on!