TITLE: Sumanu -A Fairy Tale in Reverse
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Always she had known herself to be real.
Always.
She could not fathom how her new friend could suggest she was not.
It was this dwelling in which she found herself that appeared to have
been conjured up from the nether-realms. It was beyond anything she
had ever dreamt or had heard tell of. This strange structure was nothing
like the familiar simple huts of her village or even like that of the massive
stone fortress of the warlord. Nothing from her world could have prepared
her for this peculiar and marvelous place, so filled with curious objects
of enchantment. It was thrilling.
It was frightening.
If she could only twig how she came to be here.
Across the room, the glistening green and gray, flat-stone floored antechamber
with perplexing shapes and textures beckoned to her through the partially open
doorway. She paused in its archway to glance around. What had her new friend
called it? A rest-room? Most odd. She could see no cot or divan on which to recline.
Rather, hard white structures occupied the room. One had appeared to be a seat,
but when she ventured to lift the oval cover, it revealed a bowl containing water.
Across the way, another bowl hung suspended from the wall. It was where her
new friend had miraculously drawn water to splash playfully on her face. She
approached and lifted her eyes to the shiny panel mounted on the wall above it.
Her heart leapt, and gasping, she stumbled backwards.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I got a kick out of this, since I enjoy things like "Enchanted". It has a poetic voice that begins a little vague but picks up speed as it goes, and by the end, I'm wanting more. Hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm imagining her new friend treated her to a bit of slang?
I thought this was funny. It hooked me. It was a bit of a slow start, but I laughed when I got to the second half. I'm hooked. I want to know who or what she is.
ReplyDeleteI love your opening lines - they really pulled me in. There is nice voice and texture to the piece and I would read on. I was a bit confused at one point and thought she playfully splashed water on her face from a toilet but after going back and reading it three times I think it was supposed to be a sink??? Maybe it's just me but that part was confusing. Still, very well done.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite sentence was "She could not fathom how her new friend could suggest she was not," which is amusing and telling all at once. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteYou use "was" too much. "Was" sentences are always weak.
ReplyDeleteI'm not certain why you start your story at this point. Her summoning and the confrontation with her new friend would seem to be a more lively beginning than her reactions to a bathroom.
I assume her final reaction is to her mirror image. If that's so, her glimpse of herself should be mentioned before her reaction. Cause and effect.
I think this is a great idea, but this opening is kind of jumbled, and while it's true that the POV character is confused, you don't want your readers to be so confused that they give up before they are hooked.
ReplyDeleteYou need her thoughts to flow in a more logical order rather than having them jumping around. You've got two big shocks here -- the shock of being in a strange place, and the shock of being called "not real."
First, if she's overwhelmed by the weirdness of the place, how can she have had time to make a friend?
And second, would being called "not real" be so important that it would completely overwhelm the shock of suddenly being transported to an alien realm? I think if aliens teleported me to their homeworld, I would spend my first few minutes being so disoriented and trying to figure out where I was/how I got there that what they said to me wouldn't register at all.
Think about the sequence of events you really want to open the story with and then think about what would hit the character first? Show her reaction to that problem. Then as she starts to acclimate to shock number one, hit her with shock number two, and show her next reaction.
Stimulus-response, stimulus-response. That's how you create the illusion of the character's awareness moving through the scene.
The first few lines were weird for me, and I would've stopped reading if other people's comments hadn't pushed me on. The second paragraph was hysterical, but I felt the first was too wordy.
ReplyDeleteI really like this, from the provocative title and through the first lines -- totally hooked.
ReplyDeleteI already get some sense of what sort of being she is and the POV is done so well, it feels almost first person. Totally effortless.
You have me hooked!
I love hearing her comparisons of her other village with our modern "rest room". Very clever. I'm hooked and would read on to see the story of how she got to this different world.
ReplyDeleteHooked!
ReplyDeleteIn a college, as a writing exercise, we were asked to describe to an alien what a "pencil" was. It was really fun and hard to do!
Definitely reminded me of "Enchantment" as well. As long as the entire ms isn't JUST about her trying to figure out what "air conditioners" and "fire hydrants" are - I really want to know more about her "friend" and the love story!
Interesting.
ReplyDeleteThis looks perfectly daft to me, and I mean that in a good way. I too recommend getting the funny rest-room stuff up closer to the top, maybe make her bewilderment more evident.
ReplyDeleteBut it's a nice relaxed tone, too, that promises lots of gentle humor.
Keep on truckin'
Chris
I really like this!
ReplyDeleteStumbled a bit with "heard tell of", although I use it myself, it's a bit unusual in present day writing.
Also, didn't quite catch the twig comment. Lost me on that one.
But otherwise, hooked!
Delightful! great voice. I could feel the MC's confusion in the beginning and then had to laugh when she visited the 'rest-room'. How hard it would be to describe something like that if you'd never seen it. Great job! I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteLoved this - the voice, the humor, the prospect of a great tale. I would be flipping that page so fast just so I could read her reaction to herself.
ReplyDeleteWell done.
I enjoyed this, but not so much that I'd want to read a whole novel of it. I'd like to see her first moments after transport. How does she handle herself? How does she make a friend so fast? Where is her friend now? Her take on modern restrooms doesn't seem to tell me much beyond how funny a toilet might look to an out of place alien.
ReplyDeleteHere's my take: Fairy tale character appears in modern world.
ReplyDeleteBut what kind of fairy tale character? A princess? A frog? A goblin? A talking dinosaur? I would enjoy the amusement of watching her interact with the modern/real world if I knew where she was from, and therefore, what she was comparing it to.
I think this reads well. It kept my interest throughout, and the style was good.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I found the beginning kinda of dragging...but then I got to the rest room part. Then you had me hooked. I had to reread the beginning again. Second time round I liked it better. Does sound like the movie Enchanted, which I loved.
ReplyDeleteWhat does twig mean? Does the reader find out later on?
Good luck on this one. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.
The wording of the first paragraph was confusing, and I almost didn't read after that, but the second paragraph was hooking. I like this creature, whatever she is, and her description of the lavatory. =) So I suppose my only problem is the choppy and roundabout wording of the first paragraph. I think the first two lines are a great opening, and it sets the stage for what kind of story this is going to be, but that paragraph really messed me up.
ReplyDeleteIf she could only twig how she came to be here.
--I really do not understand the use of 'twig' here, but maybe it's a saying of her kind. It just wasn't very clear.
Overall, I would read on, but I think you should keep those opening lines and condense the next paragraph. Maybe like so:
Always she had known herself to be real.
Always. She could not fathom how her new friend could suggest she was not.
The dwelling that she found herself in was beyond anything she'd ever known-- nothing like the simple huts of her village, or even the massive fortress of the warlord. Nothing from her world could have prepared her for this peculiar and marvelous place, filled as it was with curious, magical objects. It was thrilling. It was frightening.
Good job! =)
I agree with Miss Swan. The wording of the first couple paragraphs is confusing, but you hooked me with your description of the water closet. I think it's great. =D
ReplyDeleteThe whole 'twig' business confused me. It seems to mean 'pin/figure out'. And that makes me think that this character is some sort of elf or fairy, so hopefully that was your intention.
Overall it was very goodly written. =P
I'm mixed on this. I'm a huge fairy tale fan, and I enjoyed Enchanted, but I think the voice is a little too formal. Too much "was" and telling. There's a lot of sentences saying the same thing in the first paragraph. You could probably cut some of them.
ReplyDeleteUnless floors aren't flat where the narrator comes from, I don't think you need "flat-stone".
I'd like to see her react more to being called not real. Give that space to itself, rather than a couple lines before dealing with her surroundings. And who is she? I have no idea if she is a princess, a fairy, a peasant. Some clues would be nice.
I think with a little work this could be great. Good luck!
I also liked "Enchanted", but I don't think I would've enjoyed it as a book written from the heroine's perspective. What would've been a two-second reaction shot in the film (heroine looks around bathroom; lifts toilet lid; is amazed) becomes a long paragraph of description of something we're all intimately familiar with, and there's just not enough you can do with that, I don't think, to make it interesting. The thought of coming across an equally-long paragraph each time the heroine encounters something new, from light switches to toasters to ferry boats, just isn't something that appeals to me as a reader.
ReplyDeleteBeyond that, there's a lot of telling here. We hear all about how the place she's in is nothing like home, but we learn nothing about what it actually is. She could be in a theme park, a modern glass apartment, or a crackhouse for all we know. All three would be nothing like she knew at home, and be filled with marvelous objects (of a sort). Give us some details!
I do like the idea of a character "coming alive", and all the sources of tension that would bring with it. I'd also like to see more hints as to who this lady is.
I didn't have a problem with "twig", btw. I think it's British, and quite suitable for a fairy tale heroine.
Cheers.
Okay, I had no idea this was a bathroom until I read the other comments. Since I didn't realize it was modern I thought the rest-room meant like a lobby area. So I just pictured hard white painted stone chairs and a bowl of water. Honestly, I started picturing Rapunzel up in the tower or a spoof on it.
ReplyDeleteAside from that, I didn't feel drawn into the character or get an emotional connect. Though, it's an interesting idea, I wasn't hooked.
No, I'm sorry. The wording is a little rough, and this feels too wispy and distant for me.
ReplyDeleteConceptually, I like the idea behind this. But I have to agree with the others in regards to the voice/word flow. Something is off.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence is a bit awkward, and I think the complaint has already been raised that the narration is too formal. Maybe use some contractions? The formality trips me up while I'm reading in this particular scenario. However, the descriptions are marvelous, and I love seeing the bathroom through your character's eyes. Besides the small complaints, I'm in love with this concept. Definitely hooked by that alone.
ReplyDeleteInteresting set up, but the overabundance of passive voice makes it hard to get into this character’s head. Plus, for being in a strange and unfamiliar place, there’s no tension or suspense really to Hook us into the story. So no, I guess I’m not really hooked yet.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other comments - the concept is good, but the writing needs a little work. Miss Swan had some good suggestions for tightening the first paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI really like the title though and I'd probably read on just to see what happens next.
Your writing has a unique, metric effect, and the concept is promising, but I see a lot of passive voice and a lot of the word "it."
ReplyDeleteI was also waiting throughout the first half to find out a little more about your protagonist. Tireless amounts of narrative without any "introduction" of the protagonist make me restless.
I really liked the first three opening sentences.
ReplyDeleteThe rest of this opening lost me. The wording was oddly formal and too much telling. I wanted to be in the moment where she is looking at this odd place called the restroom. Obviously here is a character unfamiliar with a modern setting. That could be a fun concept.
"so filled with curious objects of enchantment" does not give me a visual.
The next paragraph is an attempt to do so but it doesn't sound YA and the writing approach is that oddly formal.
I really like this idea and the humor lurking in this page (“A rest-room? Most odd. She could see no cot…”). But I felt detached from your narrator as I read, and though it was clever, the bathroom scene seemed to be without context (Why is she in a bathroom? Where is her friend? What are her most pressing wants, needs, concerns?). If your character is frightened (as you tell us she is), why is she systematically observing her surroundings with little emotion until the last sentence? I want to feel her fear at potentially not being real, and I’m not yet.
ReplyDeleteI love your idea, and when I figured out what was going on it made me chuckle out loud. But I'd like it more if you stayed away from the "was" verb and made it more active and sparkly - as is I felt a bit removed from the MC.
ReplyDeleteLiked the first few sentence, and then I thought, no. You grabbed me again in the bathroom. I think it needs to be tightened. There is a lot of telling and passiveness.
ReplyDeleteI believe you probably have a great story, and I'd read on, but do a little editing.
Good luck with this!