TITLE: Bleeding Hearts
GENRE: fantasy/ paranormal chick-lit
A single thin pane of glass stood between me and chaos.
A single thin pane, etched with elegant letters, formed most of the door separating this room from the hectic churn of the main office. It filtered out phones and voices and the mad sounds of publication. A single thin pane of glass created oasis in the middle of a sandstorm.
What would I give for a single thin pane of glass surrounding my soul?
I blinked and squelched the thought. I had a definite rule against getting philosophical before I’ve had proper sustenance. Reaching for the creamer, I concentrated instead on my steaming mug of caffeinated salvation.
“Well, Sophie, you've been busy.” My editor placed the typed sheets on her desk and pushed her reading glasses to the top of her head, smiling in a way that suggested she wasn’t simply commenting on my productivity.
Barbara Evans was definitely fiftyish, but her exact age remained a secret closely guarded by her mother and the clerk at the Department of Motor Vehicles. No gray, no dye. No kidding. Her eye wrinkles were laugh lines; gravity had yet to wage war on the softer parts of her body.
Some days, I found it intimidating to look at her. Not everybody aged that gracefully.
I fooled around at the coffee station in her office at The Mag. I swore I kept this job just so I could drink her coffee. An invitation to Barbara's office for coffee was equivalent to the receipt of royal honors.
There's nothing fatal about this opening, but it doesn't hook me. In all fairness, I'm a reporter -- so maybe I'm dulled to descriptions of places where journalism happens -- but I wonder if you might have a scene a bit later in your novel that would be a better place to start. You can always tell us later that Sophie likes coffee, is intimidated by Babara Evans' good looks, etc. (Or maybe not -- maybe those things are critical to the fantasy elements to come. Which just goes to show that all crit must be taken with a grain of salt.)
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the novel!
You create foreboding with the first images then follow it with a bland cup of coffee with the boss. That's like shouting "look!" and pointing at a piece of blank paper on the floor.
ReplyDeleteThe sandstorm comment makes no sense in this context. If the chaos is magical, use something magical as a description. If it really is a sandstorm, make it more visual.
And fifty-something isn't that old. Lots of women that age aren't falling apart.
This was written well, but there wasen't a good enough hook for me, but it did make me crave for coffee. I think with a better hook, I would read on because I liked the character.
ReplyDeleteThis was creative and well-written, but not really "grabbing," as nothing happens. It would be best to have Evans say something that alludes to an issue, not just the start of small talk.
ReplyDeleteI found the line about wanting a pane of glass around her soul to be a bit melodramatic for my tastes, but that's just me. It made me wonder if this character was the "woe is me" type. I also found the voice to be a bit formal - "before I've had proper sustenance," etc. It is probably how a writer would think, but it made her less relatable to me.
ReplyDeleteBut it was nicely written, with interesting details and setting.
I wouldn't say I'm hooked just yet, but I liked parts of this. The "single, thin pane of glass" was a vivid image, and I like the way it was used (and repeated). Loved the line "What would I give for a single, thin pane of glass surrounding my soul?"
ReplyDeleteHowever, I agree with an earlier comment noting the foreboding in the beginning led directly into...what? I like the rumination on the boss -- and if that's essential to where this is going in the next couple of grafs, then it should stay -- but it WAS sort of like yelling "Look!" and then pointing to a blank sheet of paper on the floor. (Marilynn, that was a priceless comment! :-) )
The graf describing the editor is eloquent, I think. (Yes, lots of women older than 50 age well, but few writers can describe them this well, IMO. :-) )
I got a teensy little lesbian vibe here. Was that intentional?
I'd have to read more just to see where this is going.
Don't bury your lead. :)
ReplyDeleteShe came across as sympathetic, probably because of her sympathetic, if envious, description of her boss, but why does the story start here? If she were a dragon-tamer, you'd need to describe her job to show world-building, but since she has a mundane job, start with the fantastic. Give us hint of the paranormal mixed in that morning joe.
Can't say I'm hooked, but I'm not sure why. The pane part started to bug me, though I like the part about it surrounding the MC's soul. That had me intrigued. I also liked how you showed us the editor's comment was sarcastic. I'm not familiar with this genre (I'm more of a YA gal), so for me the start is slow. I would probably read till the end of the chapter to see where it's going.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I'm not a fan of the repetition in the first paragraph. I like the first line, but the second and fourth are overdone.
ReplyDeleteA single thin pane of glass stood between me and chaos.
A single thin pane, etched with elegant letters, formed most of the door separating this room from the hectic churn of the main office. It filtered out phones and voices and the mad sounds of publication. A single thin pane of glass created oasis in the middle of a sandstorm.
--I'd like this better condensed, maybe like so:
'A single, thin pane of glass stood between me and chaos.
It filtered out phones, voices, and the mad sounds of publication. That solitary pane created an oasis in the middle of a storm.' I think that's grabbier, but that might just be me.
What would I give for a single thin pane of glass surrounding my soul?
I blinked and squelched the thought. I had a definite rule against getting philosophical before I’ve had proper sustenance. Reaching for the creamer, I concentrated instead on my steaming mug of caffeinated salvation.
--I like the first line of this bit, but I tripped on the tense problem in the third sentence. Should it be 'I had a definite rule against getting philosophical before I'd had proper sustenance.' And I think I know what you're trying to do with the 'caffeinated salvation' bit, but it doesn't work for me. The serious wording of the rest makes this part melodramatic rather than funny.
I swore I kept this job just so I could drink her coffee. An invitation to Barbara's office for coffee was equivalent to the receipt of royal honors.
--There's something wrong with the tense of that first sentence, and I stumbled over the use of the word 'receipt' in the second. I'm sure it's used correctly, it just doesn't seem to flow as well as 'An invitation to Barbara's office for coffee was equivalent to receiving royal honors.', but that may just be my opinion.
All in all, I would probably give this a couple more pages to really hook me, but this seems like the kind of book I'd randomly pick up, read once, and never touch again. Please don't take that in a bad way. Chick-lit just isn't the genre I'm usually interested in, though I'd like to see where you take the fantasy/paranormal element. Good job! =)
I agree with above comments that the first lines could be condensed. There's nothing wrong with the writing, but it seems these days we must catch the reader (meaning agent) in the first two lines or all hope is lost :-) Silly maybe, but fact of life. I like your character, I'm intrigued to hear why she needs a pane of glass around her soul. I agree you might want to wait on the editor's description, although I love the part about her mother and the clerk at DMV. I bet this story has plenty of snap and crackle. Just find a way to show it to us a little earlier. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like the opening lines, but felt let by what followed.
ReplyDeleteAfter "No gray, no dye" while describing Barbara Evans, I initially thought "No kidding" meant Barbara was a serious person. Then I read about the laugh lines, and realized the "No kidding" must have been the narrator's thought.
Voice is good. Maybe there's a better place to start.
The voice has potential, but not much is happening here. Heroine looks around the office and drinks coffee. I suspect the plot is going to start once we step into Barbara's office, and thus, so should the story.
ReplyDeleteReally liked the description of Barbara, btw.
Cheers.
Too many 'thin single pane of glass' in the beginning. Chop. Chop. ;[p
ReplyDeleteOther than that... this starts a little slow and nothing really happens.
And before you mentioned the magazine, my hackles went up about a story where the protagonist is a writer...
For chick lit, I'd expect this to be a lot more perky...
I like the tone and voice of this opening. It rolls smoothly and the observations feel natural for the character you've created. The descriptions are well-written and I like the narrator's observations. It's the type of voice I can go on reading for a while so I'd keep going for a little bit longer.
ReplyDeleteI do agree there was a touch too much repetition. But remove the second "A single thin pane" and I'd be fine with the third one.
A bit more about the character's goals/motivation might help completely hook me. It almost seems like she's bored or jaded and it's hard to get me interested when people start in a POV that's bored because I do like to try to get into the character's head.
Not quite hooked yet, I’m afraid. I do like the voice, but the repetition of “A single thin pane” grated on me after four uses, as did the very melodramatic surrounding my soul comment. Also, there’s no firm plot or tension in here, driving me on to read more.
ReplyDeleteAgree. Too melodramatic at the opening. Maybe she could think here about something that is crucial to the story that will want the reader to keep reading to find out what happens.
ReplyDeleteWhen her boss started talking, did she turn around. You never showed that. I still pictured her looking out the glass door.
It was okay that nothing big happened. Just the fact that your protag had humor, which I really liked, would encourage me to finish chapter one and see what the plot line is going to be. Without the humor, I probably wouldn't have finished the first page.
So I guess, kinda hooked, but it could be better.
If you start with more actually happening I would probably be hooked. The voice is pretty good (I'd have to read more to decide how much I like it; it feels a touch formulaic for the snarky chick-lit/UF heroine type at the moment, though it could be me) and I do like the descriptions of her boss, but I'd like to see more actually happening, or a more interesting opening scene besides the office/workplace/reporter's station and a chat with the boss...
ReplyDeleteSo yeah, I think it has potential, and with some tweaking it'll be good. :)
Luck,
~Merc
I have to say I wasn't drawn in by the repetition with the "single thin pane of glass."
ReplyDeleteWhat I liked most? The description of Barbara. That's when I started getting into this one. It's an interesting insight to the narrator how Barbara is described.
I'd probably read on just to see if something good would play out but I am a little on notice--which means that I'm already leaning NO but could be convinced otherwise if brilliant writing is on the next page.
I actually did like the single thin plane of glass around the soul, because I'm wondering if it is perhaps foreshadowing - will this be about Sophie's learning to have some self-protective skills? Liked the description of Barbara.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, but would read on to see if the story grabbed me. I like the voice and the way she sees Barbara, but the focus seemed to be mostly on coffee, and that doesn't get me going.
ReplyDeleteIntrigued though.