TITLE: Crown in Shadow
GENRE: Fantasy
With alcohol and the drug, bliss, for encouragement Kat has gone to an illicit part of town where she is befriended by a pair of heathens. She and her new friends are now being trailed, either by Church soldiers or by the City Watch. And yes, Kat has fallen and cannot get up.
Pound. Slap. Boots neared.
Damn. Silently, with a subtle flicker of mud-darkened hand Kat waved her new friends off. Maddy's warm hand found hers and squeezed, urging. It was late for running, of course. Too late for her bliss and brandied self certainly, but she feared, too late for Maddy and Luke as well.
Luke knew it. Finger to lips, demanding silence, he hauled her up and dropped her in a darkened doorway, space for one.
Boots on ice, curses and ragged laughter, all too close.
Soundless in the sleeting dark, Maddy and Luke crossed the street, sliding into a crumbling archway. It wasn't escape but a hiding place only, and too precarious a one at that. Even if the patrol had caught no movement or sound, a chance glance into the archway in passing could reveal shadows where there should be none, heathens in hiding.
That, Kat could not allow. She owed a debt.
Chin up, she clomped out, her loud boot claps and drunken stumbling, not, unfortunately, entirely theatrics. The patrol broke course, abandoning the far side of the street and the possibility of prey to close in on a certain and far more entertaining quarry.
Back, she veered, toward the streetlamps and away from Maddy and Luke, drawing the chortling patrol with her. When she fell it was unplanned, and rather than embarrassing herself further by trying to rise again, she sat, icy rain doing nothing to wash the muck from her person, and waited as the swishing long-coats surrounded.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The writing is good but it doesn't really make me want to keep reading quite yet. There's not enough interest to make me wonder what happened before, maybe some after. Pull in some kind of detail of the previous chapters and an idea of what's to happen in future chapters. But overall good writing!
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading this. I start out with a pretty negative view of Kat--user/loser--but then see her protecting her friends at the price of humiliation at least, possibly something worse. I assume that if I'd read the earlier parts I would know what the stakes are.
ReplyDeleteA few things seemed grammatically awkward..the first comma in 'Back she veered' might be better left out, and 'as the swishing long-coats surrounded" seems odd without 'her' at the end.
I'd totally keep reading this. And i liked the way you explained what she was hearing. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI thought some of it was a little confusing, but I'm guessing that I'm just missing something from earlier.
First off, I'm a big fantasy fan. This sounds like fun but I found it hard to follow. I'm not great at commas but I think there were some misplaced. It made me have to stop and parse the sentences.
ReplyDeleteSome of the phrasing felt awkward to me, too. I had to rearrange words in my head to understand what was going on instead of being effortlessly in the scene.
And I'm betting that if you show more about how Kat feels about being pursued, it'll make the reader feel the jeopardy she's in and raise the tension.
I think this could be interesting, but it isn't quite there for me. I'm with the people saying there needs to be more tension, and there were a number of phrases that pulled me out of the story.
ReplyDeleteBoots neared.
a subtle flicker of mud-darkened hand Whose hand?
her bliss and brandied self This isn't parallel.
Boots on ice, curses and ragged laughter, all too close. This might be better as a full sentence.
it wasn't escape but a hiding place only Awkward. Moving 'only' would probably fix it.
Back, she veered I'd prefer "she veered back"
Small little things, but they do make a difference. ;)
I think with some more tension this could be great!
Author here.
ReplyDeleteI think the blog monster ate my original thank you. So thank you all again. And since the awkward sentences, "Back, she veered..." and "...swishing coats surrounded" are ones I changed while posting, I'll go back to the original standard format
I like the voice, but I do agree with previous posters about the nits and overall level of tension.
ReplyDeleteSilently, with a subtle flicker of mud-darkened hand[,] Kat waved her new friends off.--Added comma.
It was late for running, of course. -- Part of me wants to suggest saying "too late," but that might be too much repetition.
Luke knew it.-- Feels like a POV slip to me. How does Kat know what Luke knows?
Soundless in the sleeting dark, Maddy and Luke crossed the street, sliding into a crumbling archway.--I'm not convinced they can move soundlessly in the weather, and if they're crossing the street, that would expose them to the pursuers.
Back, she veered, -- I think this would be clearer to say "She veered back..."
When she fell it was unplanned, and rather than embarrassing herself further by trying to rise again, she sat, icy rain doing nothing to wash the muck from her person, and waited as the swishing long-coats surrounded [her]. -- This sentence feels a bit long. Shorter sentences might help increase the tension.
I think something else is still needed to raise the tension. I'd like to see the confrontation between Kat and her pursuers, or at least part of it.
It's not at the compelling stage yet, but the voice and setting interest me.
Hope this is helpful.
Though I’m intrigued, I wouldn’t say I’m hooked just yet. Some of the word choices (like “clomped out” confused me more than anything), but I probably would read on a bit further.
ReplyDelete“Damn,” puts us right in Kats head (on first read I thought we were in Maddy’s head). Change she to Kat in the last sentence. “With subtle flicker.” Flicker is an adjective most often used to describe lights. Change it to the verb flick and your sentence will work harder. You need a comma between hand and Cat. I’d also change hand to fingers here, because you use hand in the next sentence. You need. You use too late three times in the next three sentences.
ReplyDeleteStart paragraph three with, “Maddy and Luke slid …” After archway you tell us the archway isn’t safe but you can make your writing work harder here by showing us through contact.
Example: Luke pressed against Maddy trying to fade into the shadows. (You should also add some sound. I don’t know where the police are in regards to our characters. I’d really like to know and I don’t get a sense of danger. ) Delete “heathens in hiding.” This piece jumps POV between Maddy and Luke. Both seem important, but watch out for shifts to minor characters- ones readers won’t know intimately.
Maddy and Luke have hidden in a doorway but they haven’t’ been found, so I didn’t understand what “Kat couldn’t allow.” I had to reread this to finally understand she perceived her friends would be found, not that they had been found.
“Chin up, she clomped out.” Period here and start a new sentence. “Her loud boo claps---“ I don’t know what any of this means. “The patrol broke course.” Period. The rest jumps into the Patrol’s heads. If you want to be clear why the Patrol peruses Kat, then say something like: Kat stomped from her hiding placing, clapping and laughing to draw the Patrol’s attention.
Delete “back”. Change she to Kat. (Chortling: Do you mean the patrol are laughing at her antics or annoyed?) No one plans to fall- or to be more precise,un-planned falls or more common than planned ones. So much so, that, you can safely assume your reader will also assume she didn’t plan to fall. Just say she fell. You need the article “the” before “icy rain,” and a comma after rain. Change “from her person” to off.
“As the swishing.” Chang as to while or for.
Thoughts: The phrasal and clausal sentences tell me your experimenting and don’t let my comments stop you. A writer cannot learn how to use them unless you use them. Then you discover what works and what doesn’t. When, you do start sentences with a clause, you must remember to complete the idea. Many of your sentences are complex but they don’t work because they don’t have a complete idea. I realize my critique has been long but it’s meant as a compliment. I really like what you’re doing. You’re already a good writer- a good writer working your way towards great.
I really like the writing here!
ReplyDeleteI think we lose some of the tension due to the drop in effect, but I do get a sense of danger. And I would turn the page.
Oh this was good. Very good. I love the choppy disjointed sentences conveying her drugged sensibilities, but I could still easily follow that Kat sacrificed herself for her friends. This makes me want to read more - why would her friends be in trouble? What will happen to Kat and how will she get out of it? There are a couple things, sure, addressed above - I don't get the sense you're POV hopping, but I do think a few of your pronouns need to be better clarified.
ReplyDeleteNothing wrong that I can see. Or wait - there are slight wording things I noticed. I saw various spots where it could have been simplified so it reads smoother. Like this: "It wasn't escape, but a hiding place only, and too precarious a one at that." That's a mouthful. Also the "Soundless in the sleeting dark"... can be reworded.
ReplyDeleteWow, lots of great advice here and I have nothing to add. You have a compelling story here, with a not-perfect heroine sacrificing herself for her friends. If you take the advice given here, I think it will be that much stronger.
ReplyDeleteI would read on. Good job.
The narrative felt a bit choppy and I couldn't see the voice strongly enough yet--so overall, while it sounds interesting, I had trouble getting into it.
ReplyDeleteI don't mind choppy/fragmented styles at all. But something just felt a little "off" about this from the excerpt, so I'm not sure... maybe if I had started earlier?
I like fantasy, clearly, and this has potential, but something just doesn't quite click with me yet (sorry, I can't figure out exactly what) so I'm not quite hooked enough to read on.
Good luck!
~Merc