TITLE: The Heart is Lonely Still
GENRE: Women’s Lit
Scene: Kate looks back on her life, which is revealed in later chapters…
The shrill whistle of the faded sea foam green tea kettle from the stove jarred Kate from her thoughts. The kettle boiled over with vigor as Kate raced toward the stove to remove it from the burning red heat of the element. She poured the steaming water into a teacup with one teabag. It was this that brought her thoughts to Jude. Young, wild-haired, carefree, intellectual, hippie, gypsy… Jude. She laughed to herself, “he was quite the ladies man.”
Kate realized that both Henry and Jude were the type of men who could never really love one woman, so why is it that it was so easy for her to love them and not John? Her love for John resembled that of a close friend. It lacked…passion.
Bare white bottom, wavy blonde locks rustling in the wind, standing on a rock beside a pool of water, ready to jump in, beating his chest, yelling out his love for life and poetry, at one with nature, Jude. “He saved me from myself once,” Kate thought. A frown spread over her face as she sipped her tea. “How did my life turn out this way?” she mumbled, “my life, my love, my soul; lost to me forever.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm sorry but this didn't work for me. It feels overwritten to me, and there's not much tension here. A woman is drinking tea and thinking about her ex. Where's the conflict? The only hint of conflict we have here is that she's in a passionless relationship with someone else. But she doesn't come across as anything more than slightly disappointed with her current situation. She seems amused by her recollections of Jude... not tempted to leave John or anything. I think you need to ramp up the tension in this scene or cut it altogether.
ReplyDeleteI also would recommend cutting down the number of descriptors. You have five descriptors for "kettle" in the first sentence and six descriptors for Jude in sentence 5. You use seven phrases to describe him again in the beginning of the last paragraph. When a similar structure is repeated so many times, the reader tends to skip over them. Pick your strongest ones and cut the rest.
I'm not following why making a cup of tea "brings her thoughts to Jude". From the little bit you've given here, Jude doesn't sound like the tea-drinking sort. Also, the kettle "jarred her from her thoughts" but then it's the pouring of the tea that makes her think of Jude? So she was lost in different thoughts before?
If not, I think you need to change one or the other for consistency. If she was pondering something else before the kettle whistled, be careful... that makes it seem like she's sitting around thinking about things too much.
I don't know where this chapter falls in your novel, but I suspect this might be the first chapter, and that you might need to start the novel somewhere else. It feels kind of like an introduction... like Wayne and Garth will wiggle their fingers and we'll cut to the real story right after this scene. Why not start at the real story in the first place?
Because I think the real story could definitely hook me.
Good luck!
I like her. She strikes me as an older woman who’s a bit cynical maybe. I would read on. Even though there’s not much here telling me where this is going, I still like it. You do a good job of bringing the woman to life. I do worry that there might be a lot of backstory throughout.
ReplyDeleteSince the kettle brought her from her thoughts, you need to adjust these sentences: She poured the steaming water into a teacup with one teabag. It was this that brought her thoughts to Jude.
To: She poured the steaming water into a teacup and her thoughts went back to jude.
Like I said, I would read on in curiosity to see where the story went. I might not make it far, but I would take the time to look.
First, I like the title of the story. That pulls me in and would make me pick the book up.
ReplyDeleteDrop the needle makes this passage a little hard to critique because there are a lot of names (Kate, Jude, Henry, John) and I don't really know who any of these men are -- hopefully they've been introduced earlier. I was just plain confused starting at this point in the story. I gathered that John is Kate's husband or current love.
I would scrap the tea kettle thing. It only detracts from the story -- unless it has some significance in other parts of the story. I can't figure out why in the world pouring water over a tea bag would remind her of a bare white bottom, wavy blonde locks, Jude.
I must admit, the last paragraph is what turned me from "I would not read further" to "I like Jude well enough to at least skim through to find out more about him."
A few random comments:
Twice you give lists describing Jude -- I'd cut the first one, and shorten the second one (cut ready to jump in and one with nature). It's overkill.
The second paragraph is full of mystery people.
Kate's question of why she could love Henry and Jude and not John is really confusing to me. I think you were trying to show Kate's confusion and ended up confusing everyone including the reader. I'd rather know more of her relationship with Jude.
What I'm looking for is some reason to sympathize with Kate and find out what her big problem is. Is it that she is still in love with Jude? Is it that she is in loveless relationship? The title tells me she's lonely, but I"m just not quite seeing what your point is.
The line "He saved me from myself once" piqued my interest, but didn't give me enough information so it ended up feeling random and disconnected -- out of place in this scene.
I get the feeling that you are trying to foreshadow, but it's not getting to the page.
Then the last line is SO full of agony, yet it is too melodramatic for the rest of the scene. It seemed to come out of nowhere and clobbered me in the face. Either build up to such a passionate line or save it for another place in the story.
Bottom line -- I don't think I'd read on with the scene as it is. But, I think there is a story here. I already like Jude and feel something for Kate. For me to read on I would need to have some sort of conflict and not just a "cry in your tea" pity party or menopausal meltdown.
And even with that, gosh I like Jude -- get the rest of the story up to that same level, and I'd definitely read more.
Keep working at it.
This didn't really work for me, but I'm having a hard time explaining how. If you'll have patience while I attempt it...
ReplyDeleteI think you need to work on simplifying your prose. There seems to be too many adjectives... at least in my opinion. (And I love them. See #38 for proof. ::grins::) The trick, I think, is describe the important parts of the setting, without bogging down the story's pace with description that isn't needed.
The tea kettle, for example. Is it important that it's faded and sea foam green? Probably not. What's the difference between a tea kettle boiling over and boiling over vigorously? Is that important? For that matter, how does a tea kettle boil over? I've never had one that does, no matter how fast and furious it's boiling.
Is it important that there is only one teabag? And why did this bring her thoughts to Jude? All of that could be summed up as:
The whistling tea kettle pulled her from her thoughts. Minutes later, she sat stirring her tea and her thoughts drifted to Jude.
You want enough description to set the mood and give a feel for the surroundings. Anything beyond that is often too much. It's hard to tell if you've already done that before this selection or not.
I still think you need a connection as to WHY her thoughts turned to Jude, though.
Next thought... "Kate realized that..." That's telling, not showing. Just delete that and keep the rest of the sentence. That pulls us more into her POV.
The next paragraph lost me. Bare white bottom... bottom of what? Or are we talking about somebody's butt? By the time I finish that sentence I understand what you meant...but you don't want people to have to read a sentence twice to figure it out. I think the problem here is that, a second ago, we're told she's thinking about Jude...but then she thinks about three different men. Then she starts this long rambling bit of thought about pants and hair color and we don't know that she's back to thinking about Jude until the end. If she's thinking about Jude mostly, then you need to re-write the second paragraph so it's focused on Jude, not three men. That way we're not drawn off.
I hope this helps somehow!
Too many adjectives! Grab "Stein on Writing" and take it to heart.
ReplyDeleteThe tea link to Jude didn't work for me either. Think about what evokes a memory for you... so is it the scent of the tea that reminds her of him? Or maybe he always used two tea bags and she accidentally grabbed two to make this cup?
ReplyDeleteAlso, there is a lack of tension here. And her thoughts kind of ramble, which makes it hard for me to follow.
If you end with "He saved me from myself once" and then start the next chapter with her remembering how... that I would probably keep reading.
Adjectives Adjectives Adjectives! From "the faded sea foam green tea kettle" to "Young, wild-haired, carefree, intellectual, hippie, gypsy… Jude." It's a bit much.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to read a brief excerpt of a story without knowing what came immediately before, but what we see here I believe is the character reminiscing about lost love. Nothing wrong with that, I believe. I don't believe this scene NEEDS to be fraught with tension. However, there should be some connection between the tea kettle with her memories; maybe Jude bought her the tea kettle, maybe it was his favorite brand.
Otherwise, not a bad scene, I thought. I felt the sorrow conveyed in the last line. But I do believe that sorrow needs to be shown more than it is.
It starts in the present. Kate is an older woman who looks back on her life. Everything is eventually revealed. I posted around 200 words because I couldn't figure out how to cut into the para before.
ReplyDeleteBook is completely unedited at this point so thanks for the critiques. Also...the action to follow is non-stop. Wish I had enough time to explain the whole thing. :-( There is a reason that the tea / tea kettle reminds her of Jude; you have to keep reading to find out. ;-) I will curb the adjectives.
I actually wanted to puke when I looked at that last line again for the first time, but I was at work and I had to cut, paste and email it fast!
That 250 word thing is tough! LOL
Sorry, but not hooked. There’s WAY too many descriptive words here, and they detract more from the narrative than add to it, IMHO. Also, it’s a pet peeve for me for characters to just sit there, angsting about things, rather than actively doing something. It’s like all those old 80s movies where the hero stares off into the distance, angsting over what might have been. It doesn’t move the plot along, and is such a clichéd thing that it turns me immediately off a novel.
ReplyDeleteHmmmm... I don't think I would read on.
ReplyDeleteAs noted by others, a lot of names were thrown in to the ring, and we know little about them.
When using thoughts, you don't need to use quote marks. Most editing books I've read tell you to put the thought in italics with no quote marks.
I agree with all of the above comments, plus one of my own to add.
ReplyDeleteBlond hair rustling in the wind.
Hair doesn't rustle. Dried leaves rustle. Hair might flow or wave.
Agreed - the adjectives are out of control. I lost interest after the first sentence because it was so overwritten. One adjective should do the trick. Two, maybe, if its something important. Three? Rarely, and it needs to be about something very important for a very good reason. A tea kettle isn't it. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's also hard to develop any solid feelings about this because there's nothing grabbing about this scene, as H.L. pointed out. That doesn't mean this isn't a bad end to a chapter, it just means a reader would need more context.
Good luck!
There's nothing here that a few edits can't fix without too much trouble. I'm sure you have a good story in here, and it's so difficult to post a short piece that conveys that to us.
ReplyDeleteI do agree with the over-describing. If the sea foam green tea kettle is important, then yes, describe it - but also integrate it more than just a random action that she's performing. If it's important later, then fine - but we probably don't need the burning red heat of the element. Story and character come first - and description serves or enhances that.
I think, since this is your first or an early chapter, you do need to add a bit of tension to this - something that compels the reader to turn the page. It doesn't have to be action - but using simple regret in a way that tells us it's all over "forever", is almost like telling us the story is over, so why should we bother to keep reading? Is there anything you can do here that gives us more than the feeling of an ending?
Good luck with this. My favorite part of writing is revising - that's when the story really takes shape. You can do it! :)
There's just no tension, and from your blurb, there won't be any. I have no reason to care about Kate, and you're swimming in your navel-gazing, to be honest. Also because the rest doesn't have the same feel, the last line made me laugh instead of empathize.
ReplyDelete"He saved me from myself once" piques my interest. I would shift the focus from who Jude is to how he related to Kate.
Not sure about the premise. I'd rather people just get on with their lives instead of always looking back. Beware of characters who think too much. :]
ReplyDeleteThe other thing is there was a lot of description in the first paragraph. I thought things like the color of the tea kettle could be toned down a little, and replaced with maybe a description of Kate pushing the kitchen door open and grabbing a potholder or something. More realistic descriptions.
It felt a bit over-done and melodramatic to me, which made it hard for me to get into it. Granted it's not a genre I read, so I'm probably biased, but I agree with other comments that nothing is happening, and I too like to see people move on and DO something. ;)
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
A little over done on the description. 'faded sea foam green tea kettle'; 'burning red hot element'
ReplyDeleteI like the premise of a woman looking back on her life, wondering if it would be different had she chosen another man to spend her life with. Cutting back on some of the adjectives will let the reader get into what's important.