The warm rain spattered Eric’s face and dripped from his eyebrows and newly-shaven chin. It was the last time he’d ever feel it.
Unless, of course, they would let him outside the City once in a while. That wasn’t likely, though. He’d read enough, heard enough, to understand that life in the City was completely self-contained, sealed for everyone’s safety and happiness. Eric failed to see how anyone could be happy in a place without rain or wind or rich, dark soil.
Not that anyone had a choice.
Eric twisted another golden tomato from the vine and placed it gently in the bucket. He hated the thought of leaving behind the still-green ones that were growing fat beneath his fingers. It had crossed his mind more than once to leave before the transports arrived in the morning – to blend into the wilderness with the Pariahs, living off the land and the belongings of those who were unfortunate enough to find themselves at the sharp end of a blade in the dark of night.
But no. Eric wasn’t made of that stuff, and he knew it. He’d board the transport with his scanned, pre-approved luggage and settle into utopia with his family. If he was lucky, it would only be for a while. He had no intention of spending his life in a preprogrammed bubble.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Hmmmm...it's like Orwell or Huxley for a younger audience. I think it definitely has a foreboding quality. I love Utoipan / Dystopian Lit. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested in the content, but not in the style or voice. It doesn't seem unique enough to really pull me in.
ReplyDeleteI would read on. I think the author started off well leaving questions that need to be answered. Especially the last paragraph, I want to know if he attempts to escape.
ReplyDeleteI'm also very interested in the concept. I'm a fan of this genre. But the writing isn't really doing it for me. It's close, but not quite. Litgirl01 said it felt like it was for a younger audience. Maybe that is what is turning me off to it a little? I'd give it a few more pages though.
ReplyDeleteThis is not my genre, so maybe the premise has been done to death, but it intriqued me. BUT, there seems to be a pov error in the first paragraph... or at least a contradiction with Eric's thoughts throughout. How could he know it would be the last time he would feel rain? In other lines, he seems to be unsure how long he will live in the bubble, hopes it won't be for long, then says he has no intention of living there the rest of his life.
ReplyDeleteThere's also a contradiction in saying "Not that anyone had a choice." because he then talks about the Pariahs, who evidently did have a choice.
I want to read this. I love dystopian fiction. Reads like younger audiences, maybe.
ReplyDeleteI think the contradiction is deliberate: do the Pariahs have a real choice? (If it isn't deliberate, then I agree it's a bit sloppy.)
It's really hard to say if I'm hooked on a story without knowing the title, genre, and without being able to read the jacket flap. I've stuck with books that I didn't think opened well because I knew what was coming. Sometimes I quit halfway and other times I end up loving it.
ReplyDeleteWith this one, I'd keep reading to see if it got more interesting. At least there is a character and he is facing a problem. I usually give iffy stories like this more than 250 words.
I wouldn't read further, because I haven't been given a reason to care about Eric...yet. Also, some of the writing is awkward. For example: "He hated the thought of leaving." Because he actually is leaving the following morning, he isn't really hating the 'thought.' I think "He hated leaving..." would be more precise. And "sharp end of a blade in the dark of night," is a bit cliché.
ReplyDeleteRe - POV
ReplyDeleteWell if the narrator is third person omniscient...he or she knows all! :-)
Close enough for me, but then again, I love these types of stories.
ReplyDeleteI don't usually trip over minor slips if the story hooks me and this one did.
I agree with PCB that some of the writing is awkward, but given the premise, I'd keep reading because I'm a sci-fi/spec-fic junkie that way.
ReplyDeleteI probably wouldn't keep reading because it's not my genre. However, I love the voice here in this piece, and I'm drawn to any character named Eric - which is a really stupid reason to keep reading, but I'm being honest.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little concerned about the laid-back voice, however. If Eric isn't planning on spending his life in a preprogrammed bubble, where is his sense of urgency and strength? I'm not feeling that yet. He says he's not made of that stuff, so I might keep reading just to find out what stuff he IS made of to get out of that predicament.
I found this excerpt to be confusing. The first paragraph ends with the statement that it was the last time he'd ever feel the rain, but then the final sentence claims he had no intention on spending the rest of his life in the bubble. So what is it? Is this his last or is it just a temporary hiatus?
ReplyDeleteAlso, there is no hook here -- he's made a decision and despite the ambiguity I mentioned above, there is nothing much to suggest anything of interest will happen to him in this bubble. Safety and happiness ahead of him if he goes in, whereas if he stays out, there would be danger and risk. I'd prefer to see him uncertain about going in, uncertain about staying and planning to escape or even staying outside. That might hook me, but as it stands, not so much. The writing is compentent but not in itself a draw.
I do have a few questions about the excerpt -- Why do I care about his newly shaven chin? Is there some reason he has to shave before he goes inside the bubble? He also describes himself as not being brave enough to live outside the bubble like the "Pariahs" but I am far more interested in them than in Eric.
Not a good hook here, but depending on the blurb, I might read on.
This sounds like a fantasy novel, a 'Logan's Run' kind of story, and they've been done to death. But then, I don't particularly care for the genre anyway. I do like the writing very much though; the author has managed in that short paragraph to take us into the mind of Eric, a self-contained pragmatist/sensualist who will make the best of a bad situation and put up with it only until something better comes along. But I would find myself committing the sacrilege of skipping over much of the book and picking out the salient points of the story, so I wouldn't be tempted to read further. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteI would read on. I love stuff like this, and I read all genres and age groups, so not knowing isn't a problem for me.
ReplyDeleteYes. I love this.
ReplyDeleteI was snagged right at the first line. Lots of description - but enough description to allow the reader to feel and see the setting. I could almost smell the air<:
Interesting opening. Could use some tension for me to get me to turn the page and read on.
ReplyDeleteI think the writing is good, but not special. To take on something that has been done this many times, the writing has to sing. It's not there yet. But I see the possiblity of it.
ReplyDeleteI'm with writaholic. I wouldn't follow anyone into that bubble. However, I'd follow him into the woods or if he had an immediate escape plan. Or if you gave stakes if he doesn't comply (which you might do later, one page is so not enough!). Maybe the whole family has to go in together or they will be eliminated. Better yet, and more rare in this genre, if the entire family tries to stay out or makes an escape plan. Especially if there were little ones. You tell a story like that and I'm hooked.
I think it depends who I am following into a bubble...I'd probably follow Eric Bana or some other hunky man! ;-)
ReplyDeleteI do like this, and I would definately read on. While the dystopia thing has been done over and over, this one was interesting to me. I like the trace of his inner struggle, and the fact that he has given in to his fate for the moment. It shows a lot of potential for growth and flaws.
ReplyDeleteI read SF and fantasy, so this genre has more appeal for me than the other two openings. I like also that we start with a character who's going to do something he doesn't care for; there's more potential for conflict here than in the other openings. While the tomato picking isn't that interesting, it gives us insight into his character. I'd read on for a bit to see how this develops.
ReplyDeleteWords that end in -ly (like newly) don't need to be followed by a hyphen.
ReplyDeleteMy first question in reading this, believe it or not, was: If the City is so self-contained and sealed for everyone's safety how would anyone really know enough to write about or talk about what it's like?
I'm sure there's an answer. Unfortunately, I'm not really hooked by the voice to read on and find out.
There are a couple of sentences that could be strengthened and re-written to pull us in more.
ReplyDeleteIt was the last time he’d ever feel it.
This comment comes across as omni, even though the rest seems more third-person. If he raised his face to the heavens, just in case it really was his last chance to enjoy such a privilege, that portrays the same information but is more vivid and in his POV, AND it shows something about his character.
His name is used four times. Since there's no one else mentioned, it pulls me out and makes the prose feel "cold" to keep saying, "Eric failed to see" instead of "He failed to see." Or even better, "How could anyone be happy...?"
He hated... and It had crossed.... Passive writing, I think it's called. Pull it more into his POV, again. show his thoughts. He's not thinking, "I hate the thought of leaving these behind." He's thinking something more like, "I don't want to leave these behind. Maybe I should slip into the forest...disappear..."
The rest of that paragraph lost me. If this is the beginning of the story, then it should be a little more clear, somehow.
But no. Eric wasn't made of that stuff, and he knew it. What exactly does this mean? Does he not have the guts to run? Or is he too honorable to abandon what he sees is his duty? How about something like: But no. He couldn't. He had a duty to perform for the sake of _____. And he never shirked his duty."
Finally, I'll echo the other comments about the confusion as to whether he really has to stay or not. I didn't know what to think of the last paragraph for this reason.
Logan's Run anybody? Okay, please tell me I'm not the only one who remembers that movie? Please!!!!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely not hooked and not sure I would even consider reading more. Is everyone terminated when they reach 30? Sorry, flashback to Logan's Run. I obviously made it past the termination point of 30 . . . and I'm not saying how far past.
The writer projects good imagery, but the voice wavers a bit here and there. I think the voice needs to be tightened somewhat.
I'm absolutely hooked. I love the premise, the narrative voice, and the internal narrative. And the use of tomatoes as a specific thing Eric will miss is a lovely metaphor. I'd love to read more of this!
ReplyDeleteI read this: 'newly-shaven chin. It was the last time he’d ever feel it.' and thought 'it' referred to his chin and thought "oh, neat, he's about to be executed for something..."
ReplyDeleteMaybe that's just me...
It's a little over-done and a cliche (there are even musicals with this plot [GRAIL], not to mention a couple hundred movies) so it'll have to have something unique going for it, and that uniqueness doesn't come across in this short little blurb.
Also, wasting 35 words on tomatoes in the 'hook' doesn't make much sense and seems to bring the entire scene screeching to a halt. Of course, the tomatoes are then followed by one heck of run-on sentence that acts just as much as a speed bump as the previous sentences do.
In the end, not hooked, sorry. Might be interested to read some of the 'outside-the-bubble' works that Eric's been reading...maybe they might be entertaining.
I like dysoptian fiction, but I found this confusing with how it ambled between tenses. It has potential, but getting me immediately confused is not a good hook. It probably means more confusion to come.
ReplyDeleteIf the back of the book blurb was good, I'd go onward if I had some sense that I liked where it was going. If I was reading this online, I'd close the window.
This reminded me of the city of Ember. The idea of a sheltered utopia may be a bit common, but I liked the details you injected. Especially about leaving the green tomatoes behind. I could sense Eric's melancholy really well there.
ReplyDeleteIt was an interesting start and I'm hoping the story and narrator will do something soon to set themselves apart from other similar stories out there.
See, this I like. This grabs me. I get a feel for the character, world, and problem right away. There's no question in my mind about how this book is going to run, I know what the monster is.
ReplyDeleteLove it!
This is SO not my genre but the writing is good. The first sentence confused me, though. Is this the narrator being omniscient, in which case then do we already know Eric will never get out of the bubble? Depressing. Or does Eric just THINK it's the last time? In which case, how does he really know? Could have said something about how he was scared it was the last time he'd ever feel it...
ReplyDeleteI'd read on if only for this line here:
ReplyDelete– to blend into the wilderness with the Pariahs, living off the land and the belongings of those who were unfortunate enough to find themselves at the sharp end of a blade in the dark of night.
That one line hooked me enough that I would turn the page with the hopes that we would eventually find outselves at the sharp end of a blade in the dark of night!
It had a great first couple lines that drip with sinister implication, "The warm rain spattered Eric’s face and dripped from his eyebrows and newly-shaven chin. It was the last time he’d ever feel it."
ReplyDeleteThen it breaks down quickly from ominous into inconvenience - Eh, I'd prefer not to go, but I will because it's better for my family.
The author starts building the SF setting, but because of the quick disintegration of tension, this book would stay on the shelf unread.
I really like this. The writer has created an atmosphere which requires enormous skill to do. The words instill a sense of feeling in me for the world described. In the midst of the darkness of the character's forebodding a golden tomato - the brightness of the imagery set against a bleak backdrop is brilliant, it leaps off the page and burns into my imagination.
ReplyDeleteFor me at least, the writing itself would make me want to read further. I am amazed at what other readers can discern from such a small excerpt, given that this excerpt would be but a small part of a giant jigsaw and it is impossible for any author to cram full-bodied character development into such a short piece.
I did not find the grammar or style distracting. The author was able to paint a clear picture in my imagination. Amazing that he or she achieved that in such a short space.
Very, very good
Joe.
I agree with some other comments that the writing is a bit awkward in places. But the hints about the world Eric lives in are interesting and I'd like to hear more. I would read on for a bit to see what developed.
ReplyDeleteThis has potential and I would read on but the contradictions bothered me too. I want to know more about Eric, the Pariahs, and the bubble. I liked the style of writing, in spite of the problems. Clean it up and I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteThis is much better. I was hooked from the beginning. I like the voice and I'm interested in Eric. Only thing is I don't like the genre. That would be the only reason for not reading on.
ReplyDeleteI didn't read any of the other comments before writing mine.
ReplyDeleteFor me, Eric sounds like a wimp. He's not willing to run away and live on this planet but then doesn't want to live under a bubble. I'm not convinced that he will find a way to get out from the bubble.
I need some action or dialogue to make me want to read further. This comes off as too much telling and not enough showing through dialogue or interaction with others. I'm not a huge fan of sci-fi and similar genres either, so I'm not sure how valuable my opinion is.
ReplyDeleteI would read on. I quite liked this. Where is he going and why? It seems like he's escaping from something to go somewhere. I want to know where and why, so I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI would totally read on because I love dystopian/utopian fiction. I've even written one myself... ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I like the line, "Not that anyone had a choice." because obviously people do have a choice--but only if they're made of the right "stuff" as the author says later on. Living with the Pariahs, right? So, yeah, that line didn't work for me.
But otherwise, nicely done!