It was at least forty degrees above warm. The day felt like a windowless kitchen where the oven had been left on high for an entire afternoon. Heat beat down from above and sizzled up from the dirt as the earth let off some much-needed steam. The sky had decided it had had quite enough, thank you, and had vacated the scene, leaving the air empty except for heat. No matter how wide a person opened his mouth that afternoon or how deep a breath was taken, there just wasn't enough oxygen in the air to breathe. The few remaining plants in people's gardens didn't droop, they passed out. And the flags that only days before had hung majestically on the top of local flagpoles no longer looked majestic, they looked like multicolored pieces of cloth that had climbed up and tragically hung themselves.
All this in and of itself was not too terribly unusual, but as the heavy sun started to melt away an odd, wild, uncoordinated wind began to pick up. Not a northerly wind or an easterly breeze, it was a wind with no direction or balance. It was as if the four corners of earth and heaven all decided to simultaneously blow, creating what the local weather personalities in Tin Culvert, Oklahoma, called "beyond frightening." Sure, people could breathe, but now they were getting blown away.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I feel like this is a trick question.
ReplyDeleteIn this writing, there is no hook yet for me yet. There is no character and no one to connect to. The weather is over described and then described again and again through examples.
I don't really know what it means for a sky to vacate the scene. Or, for the sun to melt away.
I could be hooked just by weather if it was written lean and tight and the mood was set with specific word choice. And if it hinted to something that was to come. But I would need the next paragraph to introduce the character and it had better be a great character.
Again, a part of me feels like this is a trick because so many obvious mistakes are made like starting with weather, repetitions and over describing.
The first paragraph does contains a lot of over describing. The sky deciding it had had quite enough sentence should be left out completely. Very confusing.
ReplyDeleteIt would be better if a character had been introduced.
But it has me hooked because I want to see what happens next. . . a tornado, I'm assuming. I would read a little further on, but not if the over writing continued throughout the story.
I liked it. Even though there's no obvious hook or character yet, you get the sense that, like the weather, something is menacing and brewing. In a way, the weather is the character here. Plus, the line "The few remaining plants in people's gardens didn't droop, they passed out" is some pretty damn good writing. I'd definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI need to jump on the 'overwritten' bandwagon. Unfortunately, it reminds me of my own writing when I try to be clever a turn of a phrase instead of just telling the darned story.
ReplyDeleteOops, sorry. That should be 'with a turn of a phrase...'
ReplyDeleteI'm over descriptions of "just how hot it was," maybe because I grew up in a hot place. The second paragraph interests me, except for the last sentence, which is a bit of a clunker.
ReplyDeleteGet to the point already! Where's the charachter we're supposed to care about? Okay, it was hot--we get it. Seems to me if it is so darn hot, a good gust of wind would feel really refreshing.
ReplyDeleteI really really liked the first sentence, but I think everything after it is redundant.
ReplyDeleteI thought the ending – "but now they were getting blown away" – was the strongest sentence. I'm interpreting this as people are literally being blown away. Now that's intriguing. But the beginning could be much tighter. We GET that it's hot.
ReplyDeleteI might read a few more paragraphs, but the plot would have to pick up awfully soon.
Starting by over describing the weather gives me nothing to important to hold on to or care about.
ReplyDeleteThe personification of the weather got tiresome.
The first paragraph is way too long. I probably wouldn't even start reading this unless it was highly recommended by a friend I trust or for a bookclub. Even then, I'd have second thoughts.
I like the last two sentences, though I'd drop the quotes and make it more direct. Not just local weather personalities, but people of Tin Culvert, Oklahoma.
This didn’t hold my attention. After the first three or so sentences, I started scanning for the person who was making all these observations about the heat. As a person who’s grown up in hot weather and still do, I understood all the sentences and what the author was saying. But because of a lack of a person there or action or anything to make it interesting, I wouldn’t read on.
ReplyDeleteAlso, and this is a personal thing, but I don’t care long bits of description. If the book starts out this way, then more than likely, it’ll be peppered with these passages—which in the end, is another reason why I’d put this down, even if there had been a hint of a person in the scene.
This excerpt didn't have a classic hook, but I liked the writing and the voice! Sometimes, I think we get so caught up in formula and what not to do (talking about the weather, too much description etc.) that the writing gets sanitized and individual voice can be lost. When I let this piece wash over me and react as a reader rather than a critter, I can feel the setting, and that in itself is a hook.
ReplyDeleteI'm not inclined to read further. The passage attempts to be melodramatic. It is too wordy for me.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but I couldn't find a hook and probably wouldn't read any more. The voice, however, was great, with just a bit of snark thrown in for good measure.
ReplyDeleteAlso, first sentence in the 2nd paragraph is just a bit confusing - ". . .as the sun started to melt away an odd, wild, uncoordinated wind . . ." Is the sun melting away the wind? I had to pause for just a bit to figure out that the wind began to blow as the sun began to set. In my opinion, forget the 'melt' descriptive and use 'set' for just a tad bit less confusion.
S
This is a very mood-dependent piece for me. The writer has invested a lot of time in the description and making me feel hot (right now that day sounds ideal- I'm freezing). But I would need to be in a mood to enjoy very flowery writing to enjoy this.
ReplyDeleteIt would probably fit on my shelf next to Austen and Tolkien, a good book that I would enjoy once in a very great while.
Nice imagery. Interesting start, but there's no protagonist and no hook. If I'd never read this author before and picked it up in the bookstore, I'd read this much and probably put it down. This is the sort of opening that a multi-pubbed author can get away with, but it will be more of a challenge for someone trying to break into the biz.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great example of why you need to pick up debut authors and study what works.
I left a comment earlier, but it disappeared. Trying again:
ReplyDeleteThis didn't bother me, and I didn't find it confusing. It feels like a pretty accurate description of a late summer afternoon in the South, and us Southerners sure love to complain about the weather (hot *or* cold, take your pick.)
I wouldn't say it's very hook-y per se, but it doesn't turn me off, either.
Scott, I think a comma is missing between "melt away" and "the wind." I don't know whether that's a typo or if it was like that in the original. Though there's apparently a school of thought that disallows that comma's existence.
I like the literary feel of it! I would definitely read on. The writing is beautiful and that appeals to me. Gotta love the personification...
ReplyDeleteThe writing is evocative; despite not mentioning a human being, I still get a strong sense of the tone and mood, so that's well-done.
ReplyDeleteHowever, it's not strong enough to keep me reading. There's no hook, and in modern fiction, a hook needs to be presented pretty much immediately.
If I were reading this in a novel, I'd give it more time, just because I enjoy the writing, but having read just these two paragraphs, I don't feel the slightest bit inclined to read more.
Conni - I think you're right, there's definitely a comma missing, which would totally make the sentence flow much better. : )
ReplyDeleteS
I'd have to know the genre and read the blurb to decide whether to read on as this opening is quite dead.
ReplyDeleteWhere is the MC or even "a" character? Sure, in some novels, setting is as important as character and this certainly creates a sense of setting. I don't know if we need this much description of setting.
Why not introduce us to a character who matters right off, after a line or two about the oppressive heat? Story and character and writing are the triumvirate in my view and while this shows skill in writing description, it is excessivly long in my view, for an opening.
Not hooking me at all unless I know the blurb and genre -- if I did, I might just read on to get to the good stuff.
RE: the missing comma --
ReplyDeleteThat one was copied "as is." Not user error this time. ;)
(I agree the sentence needs a comma, too.)
I would read on. I do not think a character needs to be present for a book to start off interesting.
ReplyDeleteThe author is definately trying to set up a mood and setting, and I think it creates an interesting atmosphere.
The last sentence would make me turn the page. I want to know what is blowing people around.
I didn't mind the writing. I also like the first line - but I'm not hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm with the group saying where is the character? I started scanning as well, looking for who was talking.
If it had a blurb that intrigued me, I might stick with it. Just this, however, is a no.
Authoress -- Crikey. Man, why do some style guides say it's mandatory to leave out commas after "as [subject] [verbed]" clauses? Punctuation adds clarity.
ReplyDelete*is also a proponent of the Oxford Comma.
Conni, I am a hard-core, old school comma nazi; I love Lynn Truss's "Eats, Shoots, and Leaves." Missing commas leads to lack of clarity and sometimes downright confusion.
ReplyDeleteMy 10th grade English teacher was pretty hardcore about commas, too. She gave us a list -- to memorize! -- of all comma usages, numbered. Then on tests, we had to mark improper commas or add them *and* give the numbered comma rule for the correction. I think I finally tossed it in a fit of cleaning several years ago, but there's a chance it's still in my attic.
ReplyDeleteThis just didn't blow me away.
ReplyDeleteHar har har.
The entire first paragraph describes a hot day. Which is fine, if the author didn't then admit that the day "was not too terribly unusual." Well, why did you just spend a paragraph describing it then?
That said, I enjoyed the description of the flags looking like hanging victims. That's a new take on something seen regularly.
Lots of description, and it works I think. It doesn't feel over the top. This is the kind of writing I love, so I'm already hooked. many people find this boring, but I think the writer has done a great job with the hook, especially at the end.
ReplyDeleteA few comma splices here and there that annoy me, but it might just be the writer's style, which if it is, I can let it slide. As long as he/she is consistent.
I love the line, "No matter how wide a person opened his mouth..."
The first paragraph feels pretty long, and I might like it broken up a bit, but then again, the length lends itself to the description. I'd have to see the rest of the chapter to really give a good critique on length and that sort of thing.
No way. This is drowning in useless description and information. And discussing the weather!
ReplyDeleteI love the description just before a tornado. That is exactly how it feels. I'm not hooked, but I'd read further to see where this weather report goes, because I like the voice.
ReplyDeleteThe piece is passive and maybe overwritten, but I felt like I was back home. :)
I would like to see a character soon though.
I agree that the first paragraph was over written. I actually did like the first few sentences, but after a while it was like beating a dead horse.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I was not hooked.
This opening has a vivid voice. While I liked the description of the weather, I would have preferred that it be shorter. Just pick a couple key details to show us how hot it is.
ReplyDeleteI felt detatched from this opening, even when the wind blew people away. The description of the wind doesn't match the intensity of the description of the heat, so the wind doesn't seem as dire to me.
I was confused as to whether people were actually unable to breathe and therefore we are dealing with postapocalyptic, or if you were just trying to set mood.
ReplyDeleteMaybe try and paint pictures with words. Or create feelings. I dont' know what 40 degrees above warm is. My grandmother used to wear sweaters in 95 degree heat, so we all have a different measure. People don't generally open their mouths wide to breathe, even if they are asthmatic.
I did like the way you described the wind at first, but then I think it went over the top with "beyond frightening". Also, beyond frightening is subjective and doesn't give me anything concrete to hang on to. Images and feelings must be grounded.
There were some really good descriptions, vivid and clear, but I felt like there was too much. Some of the descriptions were new and very visual, which I liked, but there was just too much of it. It's hot. I get that.
ReplyDeleteThe voice got lost in all the visuals, for me. Overall, no hook. Wouldn't keep reading.
I love the voice, but I got a little bored after a while. Too many "hads", and the distance between the first reference to breathing and the last sentence made me wonder where the connection was to being able to breathe and being blown away.
ReplyDeleteBut the one thing that REALLY bothered me was the word "hung". The past tense of hang in this instance is hanged. If I'm wrong about this, I'll eat this piece of virtual paper.
Am I the only one who found the 'local weather personalities' a welcome respite from the character-less opening?
ReplyDeleteI did like the hanging flags and the passed out plants..but this didn't need to keep hammering away at the weather...
Not a fan, sorry. There's WAY too much weather narrative going on, and not much in the way of getting into the action. I really don't need to be told five seperate times that it's hot outside--I'm a smart enough reader to get it on the first time.
ReplyDeleteP.S.- are these excerpts from published books? Because I'm 90% POSITIVE I've seen this before...as in the current book I'm reading (slowly, as I still can't quite get into it).
I'll join the crowd saying the first paragraph seems overwritten - but at the same time, it seemed like something I might write and get carried away with. Whoops. I do love the line about the windowless kitchen, though, and would keep that for sure and then trash half the remaining paragraph.
ReplyDeleteThere's no hook here in a character, but it is trying to establish a MOOD. I would want to read a little but more before giving up on it.
The voice is actually pretty good, and I don't mind weather description to a point (I'm a Southerner and I know what this hot feels like). But that first paragraph needs to be chopped in half, especially at the beginning.
ReplyDeleteI also think "not too terribly" is clunky; though if this is a Southern writer he/she's got the voice down pat.
The voice is fantastic, and would carry me on for a while longer. In the description of the oppressive heat and the unsettled, building wind, there is a feeling of growing tension. But the hook isn't set yet, and if it doesn't come within the next few paragraphs, I'd put this down.
ReplyDeleteI'm not really hooked with this one. I don't mind weather descriptions opening a novel but I really do like to know who I should be following right away. So unless something happened on page 2 that would keep me going, I'd probably not continue on.
ReplyDeleteDisclaimer: I would probably read anything so I would read this too. However, I would probably find it easier to read if some of the descriptive phrases were rewritten. They sky is always there, other celestial fixtures may appear and disappear. Hung majestically? Flags fly majestically, snap in the breeze.
ReplyDeleteThe hook would be in the tension pre-hurricane. Maybe the first paragraph could just read something like, "The day was oppressively warm, nothing seemed to move in the heat."
The jump from stillness and heat to wind is too quick for me as well. Here is a great avenue to build tension with telltale signs of an ominous change in the weather - the flag which had hung limp began to flutter, first in one direction then another (the flag can be used to show the erratic nature of the wind).
I am not from that part of the world but I am assuming there are other signs of an oncoming storm (I hope my assumption of hurricane is right here) - cloud buildup, birds taking flight to seek refuge, swriling eddys of wind in the street.
These signs can be used to gradually build the tension and maybe finish the except with: "Finally people could breathe, but there was no relief in their faces, just fear."
Joe.
I think some editing would help this passage a lot. The last paragraph doesn't quite work, because in the first line the wind starts "to pick up." But then in the same description, with no apparent passage of time, people are getting blown away. I'm not real hooked, but would probably give it another couple pages.
ReplyDeleteThere's no hook here for me. The description goes on forever; say it in two sentences. Okay, a tornado's on the way. Why do we care? Reduce the excess description and get to the action or one of the characters. I would give it a page or two but if nothing changed, I'd give up.
ReplyDeleteI found the descriptions to be amusing, especially since they don't necessary make sense. I didn't know the sky could vacate the scene. The sun, yes. The moon, yes. But the sky?
ReplyDeleteThe other problem was that the descriptions dragged on. Where's the action? Where're the characters? This definitely is not a YA novel.
While I liked the descriptions, my initial impression was this is literary, and the writing will take presidence to character or plot.
ReplyDeleteFor me, there were too many long sentences. That sort of hypnotized me, which isn't what you'd want to do to readers. If I'd edit this, I'd ask for a shorter sentence here and there.
I'm looking forward to finding out what this is from.
I once read an article where an agent said that a first chapter beginning with a long, drawn out description of the weather is a huge turn off.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I think the writing here is awesome, but if the weather is to be described, I would like it better if it came after an introduction to a character and was possibly cut a little short. When I'm reading any book, I tend to skip over long descriptions of places or things and pick up where the action begins...unless of course the description is interesting.
I'm not sure how the sky can vacate a scene either, since the sky always exists in some form (even if it isn't clear and blue).
I probably wouldn't read further unless I was told by someone who read the entire book that it was excellent and had a great plot.
I would put this book down after reading hals of the first paragraph. Too much description on weather and scenery. Too boring for me. Not hooked!
ReplyDeleteI did enjoy reading this and think it does have potential, but the writing is overly-descriptive as far as the weather. The point could have been made, and made well, with only one or two sentences.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph is confusing as it does not explain that the wind has diffused the heat. A sentence or two to tie that together is needed.
Why is the wind called "beyond frightening?" Has there been a wind like that before? What happened? Expansion is needed on that topic.
I would not put this down right away; I would give it a few more pages to see what developed.