Conor Broekhart was a remarkable boy, a fact that became evident very early in his idyllic childhood. Nature is usually grudging with her gifts, dispensing them sparingly, but she favored Conor with all she had to offer. It seemed as though all the talents of his ancestors had been bestowed upon him: intelligence, strong features, and grace.
Conor was fortunate in his situation, too. He was born into an affluent community where the values of equality and justice were actually being applied -- on the surface, at least. He grew up with a strong belief in right and wrong that was not muddied by poverty or violence. It was straightforward for the young boy. Right was Great Saltee, wrong was Little Saltee.
It is an easy matter now to pluck some events from Conor's early years and say, There it is. The boy who became the man. We should have seen it. But hindsight is an unreliable science, and in truth, there was perhaps a single incident during Conor's early days at the palace that hinted at his potential.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Okay, here is trick number 2.
ReplyDeleteI am not hooked at all. I don't mind a story starting with telling, but it needs to be good telling. This opening tells me that everything is good with this boy. What are his faults? What makes me root for him? Nothing. Where is the story in this? I don't see any yet.
There are typos.
The last sentence is the most interesting but it comes too late and introduces the time period too late.
And last but not least it seems to be cluttered with words and sentences that don't add anything to the story. I'd advise to relook at the character and give the reader a reason to like him and want to read on, and I'd suggest opening with an actual scene that shows what this boy is like. Or if the writer really wants to start with telling, tell something that is intriguing or interesting.
These are the few things that stick out to me upon reading it.
And hopefully, I won't learn that these are openings from classic pieces of literature.
This does not hook me, either. And there are typos throughout.
ReplyDeleteI would not read on.
Any typos are my fault! I just found one and fixed it. Please post here if you find another.
ReplyDeleteIt's not a classic, but it is from a published book.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked either. If "idyllic childhood" isn't followed by something to negate that, I'm rarely intrigued. The only line that hooks me is "Right was Great Saltee, wrong was Little Saltee." There's something layered about that geography of good and evil that makes me want to know more. The rest, not so much.
I have to agree with the previous comments. This one doesn't do it for me. TMI, and yet, not anything compelling.
ReplyDeleteSorry, can't. The 'Saltee' sentence threw me right out, I can't figure out what it means.
ReplyDeleteIf there had been some sense of dark foreboding about Conor, maybe. As is, nope.
I like the last paragraph, but the rest is just telling. I don't think I'd call it a hook, but I'd read on a little further to find out about the single incident.
ReplyDeleteYou all are so insightful. I just say "yawn." Doesn't hook me. Isn't necessarily bad writing, just not my particular kind.
ReplyDeleteI'm not interested in the character yet. In fact, hearing about how wonderful his childhood was turns me off. The voice also seems a bit pretentious.
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of old books, where you could get away with more telling in the beginning. It's kind of boring, I think. (And this is coming from someone who reads the appendices of Lord of the Rings.)
ReplyDeleteI know nothing about Conor. What is his personality?
ReplyDeleteThe first sentences of each paragraph could be deleted, since they just tell what the rest of the paragraph is trying to show.
I'm assuming that the book is about this "single incident." If not, the writer should immediately jump into that and let us draw our own conclusions. I don't think this set-up is necessary at all. I'm assuming that the story is about him learning about shades of grey. Better to show the before than just tell me.
I'm assuming this is fantasy since there is the Great Saltee and Little Saltee and we are talking about growing up royal. I'd like to see evidence of this universe sooner. I have no feel for the world these characters will inhabit.
I read all three paragraphs, and I have no idea what’s going on here. I’d rather the author show me this stuff that makes Conner special than to outright tell me so in the first paragraph.
ReplyDeleteAnd on the first paragraph, I was confused. The change of tense in the second sentence (is) didn’t help any.
This reads like a preface or something. When I got to the end (after the 3rd read through) I was expecting to see …. as though the story would then take off in a nice suspense/mystery sort of thing. Like when you have a man's voice narrating at the beginning of a movie.
I would peek at the next bit, but if the writing continued in this same tell, tell, tell and no action, then I’d put it down.
Hmmm.... I'm having a harder time with this one. I don't think it's a book written for adults, I'm guessing YA or mid-grade, and I'm no expert in those genres.
ReplyDeleteIt kind of reads like the start of a chapter book you read to your kids before bed. And at this point it could go anywhere. I know the MC but I have no clue if he's going to invent time travel, become a romantic hero, or die on the next page. Possibly all three.
With the right back-of-book blurb or query I could keep reading for a few more pages just to see where this is going.
From this short passage I'm not hooked, I am mildly interested. What was this incident?
ReplyDeleteI have read this book, it gets more intriguing.
This is all telling. An opening like this would not fly in an adult novel, but there seems to be a lot more leeway with children's book. I find too that a lot of children's fiction takes a long time to get started. Maybe kids enjoy more world building up front.
ReplyDeleteThis one opened up with a character and some foreshadowing, but unlike critique #2, it is all telling with virtually no showing.
ReplyDeleteA lot of entertainment comes from the showing, so all this summarizing kills the entertainment.
I'm not interested in reading more of this either; just send me the synopsis ;)
Authoress - one more typo in the word strong.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this book when I read it last year.
Not quite my genre of choice...but it is very well written for sure. :-) I think I would read on to find out more about Connor. More than likely the author wants us to have questions so that we will read on. I like that idea!
ReplyDeleteI think there is potential in this but the point of view feels quite distant and I am unclear about who Connor is -- is he the MC or is the narrator?
ReplyDeleteI do like the focus on character to start the scene but this is remote and if we started in an action scene instead of this moment of internal reflection, it might hook me in more. If I was in Connor's POV more clearly, as in his own reflection on his life, I might be more effectively hooked in.
Also, I don't like super good characters, preferring ones with faults. Unless Connor really has some kind of insight into his world, using his blessed upbringing for good (or ill, which would be interesting as well), I might find him boring.
I might read on, depending on the backflap or sleeve blurb and the genre.
I'm also not hooked and bored. The line "Right was Great Saltee, wrong was Little Saltee" left me confused as well.
ReplyDeleteSorry but this doesn't do it for me. If I read this in a bookstore, I'd most likely put it back pretty quickly. Too much telling. And it's pretty wordy.
ReplyDeletePlus - what is Great Saltee/Less Saltee? I found throwing those names in annoying rather than intriguing.
Finally, given that these sentences are a little work to get through, why would I work hard to find out what 'hinted at his potential'? It's a matter of the cart before the horse, I think. If I don't care about Conor yet, why would I care about a single incident that hinted at his potential?
Connor may be remarkable, but unfortunately, this writing isn't. The author states that the talents of his ancestors had been bestowed on him - and then lists "strong features" as one of these talents. Strong features aren't ancestral talents, well, unless your ancestors are the Muppets.
ReplyDeleteAnd the way I read it, the author implies that poverty and violence muddy a strong belief in right and wrong. That's quite the assumption, and either needs more support or a re-write.
And lastly, the author writes: "hindsight is an unreliable science." No it isn't; hindsight is not a science at all. Unless that's some sort of supernatural premise the author intends to explore further. In which case, that should be made clear from the get-go.
I might keep reading if I knew what the book was bout, but for now I would probably pass. I'm intrigued by the "Saltee" lines. That is the only thing that would keep me reading to find out what they meant.
ReplyDeleteNot sure I like the telling voice, either. I'm always afraid the whole book might feel that way when it starts out using that device. I might read a little bit further to see where it goes.
Conflicted... Because this is all backstory. But I like it.
ReplyDeleteOk - the hook line at the end would be quite enough to make me turn the page and read on. An incident at a palace. :)
Not hooked at all. The whole piece was passive and backstory. Also telling.
ReplyDeleteNothing in this piece grabbed me and made me want to read further. I often do, I always give authors a few pages at least to grab me. But if I picked this up in a bookstore, I would set it back on the shelf.
The third paragraph should be the first and the others can be omitted. I'm not hooked by the flat character. Also, the Saltee sentence was confusing, and it gave no insights into the story.
ReplyDeleteThere are some hints that Connor's world is not as perfect as it appears to me. Still, the telling, wordy voice, and lack of conflict turned me off before I got to the incident at the palace.
ReplyDeleteThe Great Saltee stuff threw me out, too. And that last paragraph felt like it cancelled itself out. First, the narrator claims that there were certain events that might shed light on who this man is. Then he goes on to say that hindsight is unreliable (which really confuses me because that saying about hindsight being 20/20 fits more for me). THEN he goes on to say that MAYBE there was one event PERHAPS which was influential. The passive language really threw me.
ReplyDeleteThe writing did set a tone, though. So I might give it another page before giving up.
I agree with Ann E. Bryson -- use the third paragraph as the opening and then get to the event! That would hook me.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I still feel conflicted about the POV and Person -- don't know if I like the current. It feels too distant. Unless the narrator has a very large stake in the outcome of the main conflict -- assuming there is a main conflict -- I will be bored if I am not in Connor's POV.
Didn't like this much at all. The only line I sort of liked was 'There it is. The boy who became the man.' and that only because it finally felt like there was some 'motion' to the utter lack of action in this hook-less 'hook.'
ReplyDeleteShshshshsh slhastings...don't spoil the fun! ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm on the "not hooked" bandwagon, too. If everything is so perfect for Conor, the reader is left thinking, "okay, so then why should I care about his trials and tribulations if everything is perfect in his life?" Also, I've never been a fan of author omniscent POV--give me a protagonist/antagonist and action right off the bat, not lead up into the actual story.
ReplyDeleteSorry! (LOL) And really, it is fun.
ReplyDeleteOkay. With this opening, I'd read on, but I agree it's all back story. More thoughts on this later...
The telling rather than showing made me think this was a short story rather than a novel. The Saltee didn't bother me as much as it did make me curious. I think it's the final paragraph that hooked me here with the mention of a palace.
ReplyDeleteI would read on, out of curiosity.
I haven't read the other comments, but I don't mind this. It seems like the kind of opening that's been done before, but it isn't bad. There are some redundancies ("nature is usually grudging with her gifts' means the exact same thing as the following phrase, 'dispensing them sparingly').
ReplyDeleteI think this is probably some kind of literary novel, maybe YA or maybe not. I'd give it a shot. What would probably make me give it a chance or not would be knowing what the plot was about.
I like the distinctiveness of the narration - "Right was Great Saltee, wrong was Little Saltee". I get a sense of who Conor is and the place where we're about to go.
ReplyDeleteBy the third paragraph I feel myself wandering. The opening has been rolling along in the same tone and keeps on promising something remarkable, but it's starting to feel dragged out wihtout a payoff.
All tell and no show, and by the third paragraph I'm bored. There is no inkling yet where we are going, or that anything is at stake. Conor Broekhart is introduced in the first sentence and not a meaningful happens to him in three paragraphs. And the narrator aspect to the introduction creates distance, keeping me far from the primary character. How am I supposed to get close to him or care. At this point I'm left wondering if the story or writing ever gets better.
ReplyDeleteA simple opening sentence like: Conor Broekhart applied another twist to the tourniquet above his knee and comtemplated his mistake, and I'm in. One sentence and there is tension, we see what's at stake, and we know thing about the character - he's capable of taking care of himself, cool headed, and possibly in a dangerous line of work.
Very clever of Authoress. I often wondered as I read through the drop the needle excerpts what the reaction would be if an anonymous classic/published work was dropped into the mix.
ReplyDeleteNo I haven't read it.
I like this opening. There is a simplicity to the narrator's voice that leads me to think of an elder or of a person recounting a story from a place far from my own. Simplicity is powerful. Writers like Coelho, or Hemmingway (The old man and the sea) who can convey powerful stories with simple language, language that doesn't always hold true to the contructs of convention but drips with authenticity, always draw me in.
There is a simplicity in this writing that I like, that takes me to another time, another place.
I would read on.
Joe.
The writing doesn't grab me. How can values of equality and justice be applied "on the surface?" That whole sentence leaves me cold. And the way the last sentence is written, it sounds like it's trying to say there wasn't a single incident to point to in his past, rather than that there was one single incident. I don't know, maybe that's just me. I'm not tempted to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteAs others have said, this is telling, not showing. I would like to see this rewritten because the premise catches my attention. The hint of conflict about the application of values only on the surface is the strongest hook for me, but again, it's told. I understood what the writer meant and it made me want to know more.
ReplyDeleteDidn't do anything for me. Nothing happens. It's just telling, and I feel no connection with the character. However, I did like the third paragraph, but I don't feel compelled to read on.
ReplyDeleteFor me, this is similar in nature to the first Harry Potter. In that, a narrator introduces Harry and his world by focusing on his future foster parents and the events of the day when Voldemor "died." Then in the later part of the chapter, we meet the two wizards influential in Harry's life.
ReplyDeleteThis is the only chapter in the whole saga where Rowlings uses an omnipresent POV. The entire rest of the works are in Harry's POV.
I'm thinking this novel will be in that same pattern.
I usually don't mind omniscient POV. In my opinion, omniscient POV can be a beautiful and intriguing way to set up a story, character, or world.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I learned early on that it's best to avoid it, considered a no-no in the world of writing, and that it can be tricky. If it works, though, it works. Sometimes, omniscient POV is brilliant, in fact.
Personally, I wouldn't read further unless I was told it belongs to a must-read. I rely heavily on the opinions of others before I read a book, so I can forgive a less than perfect beginning if the story gets better as I read along.
Great writing, but doesn't hook me by itself.
"Right was Great Saltee, wrong was Little Saltee."
ReplyDeleteThe use of Satlee Islands here reminds me of East Egg and West Egg, but in Ireland, which piqued my interest. I also think the voice here is really strong. I'd probably read this.
I haven’t read any comment’s yet because I don’t want to get influenced until I’ve worked out my own opinion. I actually like this and I’m hooked. Anyone born this lucky would grow up bored and want to do something for excitement. If he’s a prince or something, he would probably conquer in battle or do something great.
ReplyDeleteIf it wasn’t a battle then at least he wouldn’t have any hang-ups to hold him back. I would love to know if it’s possible to actually like someone this lucky and to see how he turned out. So, I’m hooked!
Now I’m going to go and read all the other comments.
I've just read the other comments. I'm outnumbered, but I've always been odd.
ReplyDeleteThe hook for me was the part about plucking an event out of his childhood. I want to know what it was and what he did. Why is he remarkable? You can't be remarkable just because you're rich or lucky, there has to be more.