First of all, she wouldn't bolt upright in the tub AFTER being shocked by the chill because tubs are usually very warm. Unless she actually bolted up because she had gotten choked on the water and THEN she was chilled, which would explain hacking UP a mouthful of water.
I'm afraid this one's too muddy for me. I'm sorry.
I'm not hooked. The image of someone in a tub first off, is a little odd to me - as a tween book - because we lie naked in tubs. Not that it's sexual at all, but still, an odd image to start a book.
I'm assuming that she was tossed into a tub of cold water - or she fell asleep in a warm tub that became cold? Not sure if I'm intrigued enough to read on, though.
I love the title, and that would get me to read on, but if you are talking about "real" mermaids, why not list it as MG fantasy or MG urban fantasy? At the very least it is Middle Grade. 'Tween isn't really a category.
I wonder if the word 'real' is needed in the otherwise great title...the phrasing seems off in this sentence: in quick order she's 'bolted' 'shocked' and 'hacked' so it's a little disconcerting...
Sorry, I'd pass. Saying the MC bolts upright in the tub is fine, but then you have the modifier "shocked by the chill" and I think, what's chilly about a tub? Or the act of blting upright? I'f I can't think of anything about those that's chilly, then I think I'm missing some key piece of information. You're giving partial information and passing it off as complete. Either define the source of the chill, or take that out and reveal it later to the reader. Nothing wrong with just a visual of bolting upright and spitting out some water, and then telling the reader about the particulars.
Considering genre and title--This is the first first sentence so far that would make me want to read the entire manuscript.
ReplyDeleteExcellent job!!
Mmmm. The order feels really off.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, she wouldn't bolt upright in the tub AFTER being shocked by the chill because tubs are usually very warm. Unless she actually bolted up because she had gotten choked on the water and THEN she was chilled, which would explain hacking UP a mouthful of water.
I'm afraid this one's too muddy for me. I'm sorry.
Amethyst
I'm not hooked. The image of someone in a tub first off, is a little odd to me - as a tween book - because we lie naked in tubs. Not that it's sexual at all, but still, an odd image to start a book.
ReplyDeletePlus, bolting is usually running.
I love the title!! The first sentence needs a little work, but I'm curious as to why she's in the tub, so I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThis is iffy -- but then I'm not a Tween anymore. Like the title.
ReplyDeleteI found this a little confusing because I couldn't see why she would be shocked by the chill of a bathtub she was already in.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing title, though.
Mostly I'm confused but I love the title.
ReplyDeleteThe sentence is *almost* really good. Is the chill from the water she's in or from the air outside the tub? I'd definitely read on, though.
ReplyDeleteI'm assuming that she was tossed into a tub of cold water - or she fell asleep in a warm tub that became cold? Not sure if I'm intrigued enough to read on, though.
ReplyDeleteI didn't like it until I read the title, then it kind of grew on me.
ReplyDeleteBecause of the title, the first line hooked me. Otherwise, I wouldn't have wondered what might come next.
ReplyDeleteI love the title, and that would get me to read on, but if you are talking about "real" mermaids, why not list it as MG fantasy or MG urban fantasy? At the very least it is Middle Grade. 'Tween isn't really a category.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to see more description here.
I like the title. I would also read on. I am guessing that the MC almost drowned?
ReplyDeleteI like the title and the idea, but I am wondering, like the others, why the chill is shocking.
ReplyDeleteFantastic title, but the wording feels off. I'd expect:
ReplyDeleteI sat BOLT UPRIGHT in the tub, shocked by the chill, and hacked UP a mouthful of water.
I got the feeling that she'd materialized in the tub.
I LOVE the title, and I like the first line, so I'd read on. :)
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
I wonder if the word 'real' is needed in the otherwise great title...the phrasing seems off in this sentence: in quick order she's 'bolted' 'shocked' and 'hacked' so it's a little disconcerting...
ReplyDeletedefinitely a great title though
Nice. I really liked this one. I'd keep going.
ReplyDeleteThe title made me think of The Adventures Of The Bailey School Kids books. Which isn't always a bad thing.
I agree with puzzlehouse, 'sat bolt upright' and 'hacked up' would be better choices.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, an interesting start
Imho, felt a little cliche, sort of like a dream opening, or a phone ringing.
ReplyDeleteDidn't do it for me, sorry.
Sorry, I'd pass. Saying the MC bolts upright in the tub is fine, but then you have the modifier "shocked by the chill" and I think, what's chilly about a tub? Or the act of blting upright? I'f I can't think of anything about those that's chilly, then I think I'm missing some key piece of information. You're giving partial information and passing it off as complete. Either define the source of the chill, or take that out and reveal it later to the reader. Nothing wrong with just a visual of bolting upright and spitting out some water, and then telling the reader about the particulars.
ReplyDeleteFred