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Wednesday, April 1, 2009

FS12

TITLE: Optimist Road
GENRE: Mystery

In hindsight, I guess telling the new staff sergeant at Ident exactly where and how hard she could shove her limited tenure policy wasn’t such a great idea, but like my friend Burnsie says, I never was much good at curbing my inner a*****e.
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22 comments:

  1. ScottApril 1, 2009 at 9:57 AM

    Yes.

    The character comes across as snarky. I love snarky.

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  2. AmethystGreyeApril 1, 2009 at 10:00 AM

    Like the title, like the unrepentant attitude. Score for flipping through!

    Amethyst

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  3. CD CovingtonApril 1, 2009 at 10:19 AM

    Snarktastic! Win.

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  4. LizzleApril 1, 2009 at 11:31 AM

    Hooked!

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  5. The Screaming GuppyApril 1, 2009 at 11:56 AM

    Seems a touch wordy, but the voice is snarky - in contrast to the title. I like it.

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  6. AnonymousApril 1, 2009 at 12:34 PM

    I like it. Snarky is great.

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  7. c.e.lawsonApril 1, 2009 at 12:42 PM

    Good sense of personality and voice already. Nice one.

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  8. Amy KinzerApril 1, 2009 at 12:45 PM

    It seems like a run on sentence to me.

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  9. Being BethApril 1, 2009 at 1:57 PM

    Oh absolutely.

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  10. romoakApril 1, 2009 at 2:15 PM

    Love it, but it could be a bit shorter - more broken up.

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  11. JudyApril 1, 2009 at 3:16 PM

    Very good. I would read on.

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  12. J.R. JohanssonApril 1, 2009 at 3:38 PM

    a bit wordy, but I'm intrigued.

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  13. midnightbloomsApril 1, 2009 at 3:49 PM

    I'm hooked.

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  14. Deb SApril 1, 2009 at 3:54 PM

    Hooked

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  15. MercApril 1, 2009 at 4:38 PM

    Hah! I likes; I'd read on.

    ~Merc

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  16. PeterApril 1, 2009 at 7:43 PM

    Love the voice...want the sentence shorter and punchier to match the voice. LOVE 'curbing my inner asterik-hole'

    definitely want to read more

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  17. AliceApril 1, 2009 at 7:53 PM

    Great characterization!

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  18. Kelsey (Dominique) RidgeApril 1, 2009 at 10:42 PM

    I like it. You've got me for at least a page or two.

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  19. Elizabeth LundApril 1, 2009 at 10:50 PM

    Great voice! Hooked.

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  20. Cheryl SApril 2, 2009 at 7:00 AM

    Yep, love the snarky voice too. I'd want to read on.

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  21. Just MeApril 2, 2009 at 9:18 PM

    I also love the voice and the snarkiness :)

    If you want to shorten/tighten it up a bit, you might think about strting with your last phrase as the first sentence. "I never was..." would be a great first line all by itself.

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  22. AnonymousApril 3, 2009 at 3:04 PM

    Sorry, I'd pass. It's not terrible, but "staff sargeant" conveys military, but then I get to "limited tenure" and I assume we're dealing with a learning institution. So, using something that I assume is meant to be an insult "staff sargeant" before I have any clue that it's intended to be an insult (or even a character trait, anything but the litteral meaning) feels like you're making jokes but not letting me in on them.

    Then, the "where to shove" is cliche, and the "how hard" is excessive and kinda silly.

    Also, "curbing" seems a strange choice of words. I curb hunger, I curb my dog, If I have an inner a****e, then I'm probably gonna need to cage that bad boy.

    Fred

    ReplyDelete