Wednesday, April 1, 2009

FS12

TITLE: Optimist Road
GENRE: Mystery

In hindsight, I guess telling the new staff sergeant at Ident exactly where and how hard she could shove her limited tenure policy wasn’t such a great idea, but like my friend Burnsie says, I never was much good at curbing my inner a*****e.

22 comments:

  1. Yes.

    The character comes across as snarky. I love snarky.

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  2. Like the title, like the unrepentant attitude. Score for flipping through!

    Amethyst

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  3. Seems a touch wordy, but the voice is snarky - in contrast to the title. I like it.

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  4. I like it. Snarky is great.

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  5. Good sense of personality and voice already. Nice one.

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  6. It seems like a run on sentence to me.

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  7. Love it, but it could be a bit shorter - more broken up.

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  8. Hah! I likes; I'd read on.

    ~Merc

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  9. Love the voice...want the sentence shorter and punchier to match the voice. LOVE 'curbing my inner asterik-hole'

    definitely want to read more

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  10. Great characterization!

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  11. I like it. You've got me for at least a page or two.

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  12. Yep, love the snarky voice too. I'd want to read on.

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  13. I also love the voice and the snarkiness :)

    If you want to shorten/tighten it up a bit, you might think about strting with your last phrase as the first sentence. "I never was..." would be a great first line all by itself.

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  14. Sorry, I'd pass. It's not terrible, but "staff sargeant" conveys military, but then I get to "limited tenure" and I assume we're dealing with a learning institution. So, using something that I assume is meant to be an insult "staff sargeant" before I have any clue that it's intended to be an insult (or even a character trait, anything but the litteral meaning) feels like you're making jokes but not letting me in on them.

    Then, the "where to shove" is cliche, and the "how hard" is excessive and kinda silly.

    Also, "curbing" seems a strange choice of words. I curb hunger, I curb my dog, If I have an inner a****e, then I'm probably gonna need to cage that bad boy.

    Fred

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