TITLE: Seven Gates
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Sechra paused halfway up the slope. She didn’t know what waited on the ridge’s other side. She did know she’d be foolish to meet it like this, her heartbeat ragged with climbing, her mind mazed with wishing and fearing.
She breathed deeply. The smell of late blackberries rose warm and sharp from the bramble thickets. The blackberry leaves were turning crimson; first frost would come soon, whether or not she was here to know it. She didn’t know how long it took to find the hidden spring, or whether, having found it, you could come back.
Well, and she didn’t know if she’d want to come back to her aunt Rena’s house, to the Dunlin villagers who watched the outlander’s orphan with wary curiosity, to the days of spinning, milking, gardening and small gossip. She had liked that life little when she thought she had no other choice. Yesterday when the old woman told her of the secret gate she had thought of it as an escape. But this morning she was aware of something wild and sweet in the world around her, something she might miss. Perhaps Rena was right and there was no pleasing her. She might as well go on and see. She leaned into the slope, climbed to the ridge-top and looked down.
There was no grass on the far side. The bare stone-face fell steeply into a maelstrom of mist through which no shape showed and no sound rose.
“I won’t see until I go.”
I'm sorry, but I was not hooked. I don't mind description and backstory, but there needs to be some tension. I felt none here. There is also some punctuation errors that need to be corrected.
ReplyDeleteI was intrigued by your first paragraph and liked the description in your second. But there seems to be an awful lot of focus on what she did and didn't know. Also, the third paragraph was a bit wordy. Since I have no idea where you're headed with that last bit of dialogue, I'd read on to find out. But I'm not completely hooked yet.
ReplyDeleteThis is lovely and atmospheric and since we're clearly dealing with trad fantasy here and not UF I'm perfectly willing to let it weave, as is typical of traditional fantasies. I am not a tf reader as a general rule but this is interesting. There is some tightening that could be done but you have a nice strong voice.
ReplyDeleteI like the second paragraph much more than the first. I love the blackberry description, and the line 'aware of something wild and sweet in the world...'
ReplyDeleteThe way the hill is described I keep envisioning her on skis, but she talks about grass. I think 'slope' sounds like winter, but it could just be me.
Hey this could be really good IMO with just a tad more fixin. Little sugestions: change waited to awaited her.
ReplyDeleteHave her get to the top a little more quickly and then try to see something with wind shifts.
If this is the start of the first gate. It might be a strong inducement to read on if right before the first sentence or in the title of the first chapter you said "First Gate."
It's a strong start with beautiful description.
Your writing is very nice and I like your voice.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if you could bump up the tension by giving the reason why she is so curious to look over the ridge a little sooner, not sure if that would work but its a thought.
Also, I'm not sure I understand this sentence: "She had liked that life little when she thought she had no other choice." I can't seem to make sense of it after reading it over and over, it might just be me. It seems like she would say she liked that life 'more' when she thought she had no other choice.
Anyways, this sounds very interesting and I am curious to know about the secret gate and where it leads.
Good luck!
I agree that there's a lot of wordiness here but your description was great- a lot of description has always been part of the fantasy genre. However, I might start with a sense of urgency and tension- maybe right at the start, she can be sneaking around someone who would prevent her escape and take one last look back and have a regretful thought or two. I think the description could come later, after the hook.
ReplyDeleteAlso, two instances of the word "know" in the first paragraph-I heard it's an agent turn-off when the same words are used close together. (I probably noticed because I have a problem with this in my writing.)
I was intrigued by the misty landscape- definitely some mystery there.
Sorry, not hooked.
ReplyDeleteYou have some beautiful imagery here, but it wasn't exciting.
I think you should start it closer to her not wanting to go back to her aunt's house. That is more interesting to me than the scenery she's climbing.
Good luck!
The thing that confuses me is the old life was perfectly fine, except now she wants to escape it? And she makes this decision in a day? To have her decide to run away through a secret gate, perhaps forever, I need a good reason besides 'I just heard about it.' Not hooked I'm afraid.
ReplyDeleteI tend to glaze at any description. Sad, but true. I blame my mom. Seriously though, like others have mentioned, a bit of tension to hook in the reader in this peaceful hike would be good. Give us a purpose and we'll follow you through the brambles.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but not hooked.
Good job on painting a scene. Use that eye elsewhere and you are gold.
:)
Some really nice bits and tone here, but a little too much atmosphere, and a little too little character and tension. Beautifully written, but in better balance it would be more effective.
ReplyDeleteIf you were in my crit group I'd suggest pulling back just a little to let the character shine, over the words and atmosphere. So that the reader could become more invested.
I think you have a good voice, and I love some of your lines, esp. about the blackberries, and the "wild and sweet" line. But I agree that the description bogs it down a bit, and you use the word "know" quite a bit in the first 3 paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteI am intrigued by where this is going but there is a lot of description that bogged me down. Your third paragraph had me confused when you reference Aunt Rena then the old woman - they are one in the same?
ReplyDeleteThis may just need a bit of tightening on the writing side.
Overall, I didn't feel like there was enough happening for me to really be hooked.
Fascinated.
ReplyDeleteI know this has been done before. The Brigadoon type story. But I love things like this.
The opening and closing paragraphs have potential, but I just got too bogged down in the details and world building and backstory/infodumping to find an actual plot thread here. Give us some tension or action to pull us into the story, and weave in the pertinent backstory/details as we go along, rather than dumping it on us all at once.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, sorry. Some of the writing is nice, but some of it is a little awkward.
ReplyDeleteThe sentence that starts with 'Well' is confusing and doesn't seem to match the tone of the rest.
I like this: her mind mazed with wishing and fearing.
This has potential, but I was too confused to really be hooked. I don't understand where she's going. It may become clear as the story goes on (after all, this is only the first page), but if I were you I would try to focus on what's happening and introduce the backstory later. Or, if the backstory is so very important to this action, start at an earlier point. Overall, I think you're a good writer and I wish you luck!
ReplyDeleteSorry not hooked. Nothing's happening other than she's climbing a hill and reflecting on backstory. There's no sense of urgency or real problem. The descriptions are good, but still not enough to compel me to keep reading. Okay, I'm assuming something big will happens, otherwise there's not point in reading the book. But I don't feel that right now. The writing is good though, and that's one of the hardest parts of writing a book.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Some nice touches, not sure if I'm hooked or not, but I'd read on to find out - so kinda hooked this time?!
ReplyDeleteI was wondering if you considered starting with the woman telling her about the secret gate and sending her on her journey just because you'd still have a mystery. Who is the woman? Why is she sending her , etc. Plus you'd be able to build character by showing us how she feels about going instead of telling us because I think putting backstoru like this is what slowed me down. It's fantasy so i'll hang with you through the intro of weird things I don't understand you know. Definitely love the voice and writing!
ReplyDeleteI really liked this and want to read on. I am partial to fantasy, and this has a lovely wandering fantasy feel to it.
ReplyDeleteOne very small nitpick: She calls her aunt just plain Rena instead of Aunt Rena (Perhaps Rena was right) but earlier she thinks of her as "her aunt Rena." I only mention it because I got hung up and had to read back to find out who Rena was again.
You lost me at "Her mind mazed with wishing and fearing."
ReplyDeleteThe language seems deliberately old-fashioned, which I suppose lends itself to traditional high fantasy, but doesn't appeal to me.
I have to admit that I'm not entirely hooked. The title isn't too compelling, and there didn't seem to be even an ounce of tension until the final few sentences.
ReplyDeleteCould you introduce the idea of looking for the gate sooner--like as the first sentence of the book, perhaps? I really hope she's going to have to jump off of a cliff or something to enter the gate, and if we realize that from the first paragraph, it's going to add a lot of inherent conflict.
I found this difficult to read, awkward sentence structure and odd descriptions. I'm curious about the spring, but not curious enough to read on.
ReplyDeleteI think that there is far too much description and not enough going on, which didn't hold my attention for very long. I have no clue where the plot is going or what it involves at this point. Not hooked.
ReplyDelete