TITLE: Personal Effects
GENRE: Young Adult
It felt good to hit someone.
I couldn’t say that out loud, but it was the truth.
After weeks of taking it, months of going numb to avoid the inevitable fight, it felt f***ing amazing to let loose and beat the sh** out of someone. Even if I got banged up, even if I got suspended. Worth it.
That first punch was in slow motion, with a hazy comet trail following my arm all the way to Pinscher’s face. His nose exploded with a crunch like smashing crusty ice with your heel. Blood flooded his mouth and chin, making him sputter, dripping all over his f***ed-up tee shirt. Maybe the blood should have made me stop, or at least pause, but it didn’t.
In that moment before the others jumped in, I was The Man. I was a god. I was a son Dad could be proud of and a brother T.J. could brag about. I wasn’t me. I was more than me. It was like T.J. and Dad were behind me, like their strength was in my arm. And in another way it was like there was no T.J. or Dad: Just me, this strong and strange me, in total control and in total chaos.
That moment of me-but-not-me felt so good I hit Pinscher again and again and again. No one was gonna stop me from making sure Pinscher, and everyone else, remembered what happened when you got in my face.
I LOVE the voice in this one! I would read this book now. GREAT opening line — love the comet trail description.
ReplyDeleteThe only part that made me stutter a tad was the paragraph about Dad and T.J. -- I'm hoping the tale is unique, not another bullied-at-home turned-bully-but-learns lesson.
The writing is a grand slam, concrete and sparse in a great way, and I would totally give this book a chance to prove me wrong on storyline.
I LOVED the voice! I thought the writing was great and I was intrigued enough to want to read more. I also like that there's a male MC here!
ReplyDeleteGreat job!
Great! I remember reading this on EA's site and loved it there too.
ReplyDeleteGood luck. You have a good chance of taking the cake here. :)
Great voice! I would totally read more to see where this goes. As Laura said above, the bit with TJ and Dad threw me a bit, but I got over it and got sucked into the story.
ReplyDeleteStrong voice, visceral imagery, and you've certainly opened with action. :) I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteThe voice is great, but I'm worried there's a bit too much cussing for YA. Not that the YA-age-group doesn't cuss a lot themselves...
ReplyDeleteWow, this is fantastic. Definitely hooked! The voice is phenomenal. I would absolutely read on.
ReplyDeleteI commented on this before (on EA), but I just want to say again, well done. Voice, character, conflict, story questions - you've got it all.
ReplyDeleteFor me, and in matters literary my opinion is less than light-weight, I would only suggest losing the "fucked-up," not because of the language, but because it's just not descriptive. Fucked up how? And how did it get fucked up before the first punch was thrown? (and I liked your other title better).
I agree with the above poster(s) on all points.
ReplyDeleteI love the last line.
I agree with sraach about the profanity, especially on the first page. Personal preference, I know, but it's a turn-off for me.
ReplyDeleteThis definitely has personalty and voice. Kudos, I'm hooked... Very Palahniuk-esque, but I'm not sure it'd be YA enough...
ReplyDeleteLove this. Great voice.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments on the profanity. To avoid turning off some readers, you might want to keep it off the first page.
The voice is clear, and totally brings the image of a young man with major repressed anger. The profanity and blood does turn me off, though. I wouldn't let my boys read this if it was chalk full of profanity and violence. Here and there for impact, yes.
ReplyDeleteStrong voice. Love the protagonist and can't wait to learn more about him. I don't mind the cursing because it's necessary and not gratuitous.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Tara. The profanity is not gratuitous here. The MC sounds like a really angry adolescent boy, and the profanity is completely realistic. He wouldn't be saying "doggone shirt" or even "damned shirt."
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a very contemporary, realistic teen male voice, and I want more. I'm dying to know what has made him so angry and what he will do next. If the rest of the book is this good, I wouldn't be able to put it down. Amazing writing!
Wow. you've done a great job of conveying the anger and aggression of your MC. Great YA voice. The MC comes off as exposive and violent right off the bat, which is a good way too hook readers, but be careful that you don't make the MC too unlikable. You want readers to like your protag and root for him so they'll stay with the story.
ReplyDeleteStrong voice, certainly, but not for me. Whether it's the profanity, or the sense that this is yet another book about a boy trying to prove himself as a man, this didn't work for me personally.
ReplyDeleteI'm absolutely hooked for two big reasons. First, I'd just love to spend time inside this kid's mind. Second, your writing reeled me in.
ReplyDeleteHey, what's with the censorship, Miss Snark? I could swear those asterisks weren't there earlier! Who put them there?
ReplyDeleteWow. Just... wow.
Voice was GREAT! I agree with other posters, the voice really did it for me and would totally read on, good job!
ReplyDeletePersonally, I don't care for the profanity and graphic violence. I don't think it's out of place here, it's just not my cup of tea. That said, however, I think the writing is very real and I can easily picture the MC as a person. He's not someone I want to be friends with, from this little bit of action, but he's very believable as a person. I am a little curious as to why he "took it" for so long before losing his cool, so maybe I would keep reading to find that out. The next part would have to be more plot and less violence, though, or I would put it down -- just my personal taste.
ReplyDeleteHeh. Probably just me, but 'banged up' has more than one meaning.
ReplyDeleteThis isn't something I usually read, and I'm not exactly hooked. But good job with description and in conveying the guy's (assume it's a guy) emotions.
I'm not sure which draft is more recent, but I like the opening of the EA version better. Loved the fingernails digging into the palms. And this is an odd comment but I liked him saying in the present tense, "I CAN'T say that outloud," instead of couldn't.
ReplyDeleteBut overall a memorable and good read.
I'm not so sure about the profanity. As a former YA librarian (one who is against censorship), I would be forced to pull this novel from our shelves as the language, while giving voice, would not fall favorably in the 'absolutely necessary' scale. Therefore, I wouldn't be able to defend it against attacks.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, you describe things well and have a great voice that will definitely reach your audience. They will identify and therefore cheer for this guy. Heck, I cheered for him too.
:)
I liked the opening paragraphs, but think this opening would be stronger if you trimmed the Dad and T.J. paragraph a bit. Maybe just give us enough to tease us into wanting to learn more about this character’s family situation, then get back to the fight.
ReplyDeleteI was put off the story - not interested in reading about an aggressive kid going ape with bloodlust regardless of why. The writing was great, I read without pause bit I was wincing and not enjoying the read.
ReplyDeleteIf this was a real kid, I'd avoid him rather than want to understand him if you know what I mean.
Good luck with it.
Good voice, and I liked the first two lines. It didn't really hook me though. I've got no problem with swearing and violence, but it doesn't hook me in - the reason for the violence does.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a really strong start.
ReplyDeleteI like it but it's not different enough. He sounds like a mindless thug.
ReplyDeleteI liked this a lot. I'm wondering what will make this plot different from others that start like this, but I like the style and would read on.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much everyone for taking the time to comment - especially those who explained exactly what was turning them on or off.
ReplyDeleteI am proofing the latest revision and getting ready to send this out. So, knowing the first impressions, and the variety of response, really helps to hone those revisions - a single sentence or phrase can totally change the tone.
I especially appreciate all the thoughts on the profanity. The comments, coupled with a panel discussion I heard this weekend, will make me carefully consider each one as to whether it is necessary for voice or meaning.
Thanks to Authoress for hosting the contest, and to Secret Agent for his/her read, and to all the commentors.
Loved the comment trail description. Powerful stuff in those first paragraphs - and teh voice comes through strongly.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping that the MC becomes more likeable as this goes on. He doesn't particularly appeal to me yet.
Agree, not for me. No contrast: the guy likes hitting, and the writing is witty. And?
ReplyDeleteThe voice is strong, but having so much profanity on the first page is a major turn off and does not entice me to read more. Sorry, not hooked.
ReplyDelete