TITLE: The Darkfall Protocol
GENRE: Thriller
The waterfront between the Williamsburg Bridge and 10th Street was a graveyard, with the moss-covered ruins of the old Eastern District Terminal rotting in the tides, and over the past eight months, five decapitated bodies dumped along the shore, the hooded and gagged heads in the corpses' shackled embrace.
I'd read this as a LOT stronger if you re-evaluated the number of commas. Right now they're acting as speed bumps and totally messing with your flow. You've got nice imagery and the descriptives are bold, but with all that extraneous punctuation it's hard to appreaciate the finer points.
ReplyDeleteAmethyst
There is great imagery here, but it almost feels like you could break this into two sentences to make it a little stronger. I got lost by the end of the sentence trying to remember the first part.
ReplyDeleteMy first thought: Wow, that's a lot of words. I like the dual meaning of graveyard, and the imagery is cool, but I agree with Gillian: breaking it into smaller sentences could make it better.
ReplyDeleteI'm a less is more kinda gal. Know what would get me as a first line?
ReplyDeleteThe waterfront between the Williamsburg Bridge and 10th Street was a graveyard.
That's it, and that's enough. Otherwise it's too much to process.
Great set-up, you really describe the scene well and I'm sucked right into this thriller. I agree with the others, though, that this would be stronger in smaller bits.
ReplyDeleteYes, it's a little long and awkward. Like the imagery.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. This should be more than one sentence, I think.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with Amy.
ReplyDeleteHave to agree with the above. This is great imagery and set up, but too much info in one sentence.
ReplyDeleteI'm with the break-up camp. It feels like you are trying to hook me. A writer's job is to manipulate people, but it is also our job not to let them know we are doing this.
ReplyDeleteIt's like you have the two sentences, the description and the hook, so you rammed them together, so the hook is in the first sentence.
Agree with Gillian.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with the above.
ReplyDeletethat is one long sentence. Break it up and you'll be much better off.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I like the imagry and starting with dead bodies is always a plus. BUT, I found this too long and convoluted and packing way too much into one sentence that I got lost before getting to the hook of the dead bodies. I think breaking this up, and cutting out some of the description for now (you can weave it in again later) would strengthen this a lot and give you a wonderful hook.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
~Merc
Vividly described. Horrific imagery. I agree with Amy Sue Nathan above, though, about splitting this up and starting just with the bit about the graveyard. Then you can go on to highlight the unexpected - how the waterfront is a different sort of graveyard. Scary.
ReplyDeleteThis doesn't work at all for me - too wordy, too much description. I don't feel "thriller."
ReplyDeleteI didn't like it. I think it would benefit from reconsidering the punctuation.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above comments
ReplyDeleteThere was way too much info in one bite, and it seemed a bit too clever and self aware.
I'm sure there are several VERY strong sentences cobbled together here, if you'd only let them go.
There are some fantastic images but I would rather see them used more sparingly.
This is multiple sentences, but strong, with great imagery. Too many words, too many commas, but a great first paragraph.
ReplyDeleteIt took me three readings (and a glance at everyone else's comments) to realize that this isn't supposed to be a compound sentence. I do, however, agree with the posters who said this single sentence should be two. Here's my stab at it:
ReplyDelete"The waterfront between the Williamsburg Bridge and 10th Street was a graveyard. With the moss-covered ruins of the old Eastern District Terminal rotting in the tides, it was the ideal place to dump five decapitated bodies along the shore, their hooded and gagged heads in their shackled embraces."
Hmm. Having typed it out, I'm also discovering that the final clause is a little awkward. The corpses aren't sharing an embrace, right? And yet making the embrace plural definitely doesn't sound as good as the singular...
Too wordy for me . . . I agree with the suggestions to break it up.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I'd pass. LOVE the corpes' heads in their own embrace though. Thrillers should be dolled out at just the right pace. The length of this thing makes me feel as though youre rushing to get to the cool part. If you broke it up, you'd set that cool part up a lot better. The location of "Williamsburg...10th Street" isn't important right now. We don't need to know you're in New York right away. Take that and tuck it away for later. Moss covered ruins are GREAT. Start there. "The moss-covered ruins of the old East District Terminal rotted with the tides." gives a nice setting, then add some spice "Over the past eight months, they'd become a waterfront graveyard." then hit 'em with the good stuff. "Five decapitated bodies had turned up, the hooded and gagged heads in their corpses' shackled embrace."
ReplyDeleteThat feeds it to me in a way that I go Hmm, moss covered ruins cool, Hmm, graveyard, then ewww, cool.
Fred