First Sentence: Karol, king of the Franks and the Emperor of the Romans, was dead; Dhuoda knew it was so the instant she was roused from an uneasy sleep.
I'll be a voice of dissent here. I'd probably read on, mainly because I'm vaguely interested in myffic history. It could be a stronger sentence, I agree, and Karol and king does sort of remind me of the winter holidays, but it piques my interest.
I think it sounds a bit like an info dump when you list the titles of Karol. I'd probably be more intrigued to read on if you simply deleted that stuff and fed it to me further on in. 'Karol was dead; Dhuoda knew it was so the instant she was roused from an uneasy sleep.'
Interesting idea but the wording is awkward. And the action part is the second half of the sentance. Here's one idea: "Dhuoda opened her eyes, groggy from an uneasy sleep, and instantly sensed that King Karol was dead." Then reveal his titles later.
Also, I wouldn't start with the dead guy, especially since he doesn't appear to be the MC. I was thinking "Oh a book about King Karol...wait, he's dead?"
It felt like a little sneaky and not in a good way.
I was thinking Tapestry (Carol King) than hot dogs (franks) before I realized I was reading this really wrong...perhaps it was 'First Sentence' still being in there. So I rebooted and started over.
'Dhouda knew the King was dead the instant she was roused from an uneasy sleep' would keep us from being hit over the head with titles were not immediately interested in, and keep a little mystery while were at it.
Your first sentence didn't turn me off, but then, I would love to read historical fiction that is even remotely related to Charlemagne. However, I do like how Peter and Lara rewrote the line.
I think this sentence would work better if it was switched around, back to front:
"Dhouda knew the king was dead, the moment she woke."
That grounds us in the character, makes us curious how she knew (which helps a little with the whole "start the book with someone waking up cliche"), and it makes us curious to want to know about this kingdom. All very good things. :-)
The sentence structure is also much better...yours kind of rambles.
Sorry, I'd pass. I love historical fiction, but the announcement of the king's death coming first, and then being told that Dhuoda knew it, feels like a POV slip right off the bat. The reader knows something before the POV character does. That doesn't work for me. I want to be dropped into the POV character's head from word 1. "When Dhuoda was roused from an uneasy sleep, she knew Karol, king...." puts me in her head right away.
If she's already at the funeral or something, and you're saying that she had known when they'd roused her...then I'd start with some setting.
No.
ReplyDeleteToo much info about Karol and not enough 'oomph' to catch my attention.
No, because having Karol (Carol!) and 'king' right next to each other just makes me want to sing folk songs. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteAmethyst
No. The idea could be interesting, but the way the sentence is constructed makes it fall flat for me.
ReplyDeleteI'll be a voice of dissent here. I'd probably read on, mainly because I'm vaguely interested in myffic history. It could be a stronger sentence, I agree, and Karol and king does sort of remind me of the winter holidays, but it piques my interest.
ReplyDeleteI think it sounds a bit like an info dump when you list the titles of Karol. I'd probably be more intrigued to read on if you simply deleted that stuff and fed it to me further on in. 'Karol was dead; Dhuoda knew it was so the instant she was roused from an uneasy sleep.'
ReplyDeleteInteresting idea but the wording is awkward. And the action part is the second half of the sentance. Here's one idea:
ReplyDelete"Dhuoda opened her eyes, groggy from an uneasy sleep, and instantly sensed that King Karol was dead."
Then reveal his titles later.
I like Lara's sentence.
ReplyDeleteI think the titles drag the sentence down...
ReplyDeleteAlso, I wouldn't start with the dead guy, especially since he doesn't appear to be the MC. I was thinking "Oh a book about King Karol...wait, he's dead?"
It felt like a little sneaky and not in a good way.
I was thinking Tapestry (Carol King) than hot dogs (franks) before I realized I was reading this really wrong...perhaps it was 'First Sentence' still being in there. So I rebooted and started over.
ReplyDelete'Dhouda knew the King was dead the instant she was roused from an uneasy sleep' would keep us from being hit over the head with titles were not immediately interested in, and keep a little mystery while were at it.
Your first sentence didn't turn me off, but then, I would love to read historical fiction that is even remotely related to Charlemagne. However, I do like how Peter and Lara rewrote the line.
ReplyDeleteNo, sorry. It involves someone waking up, never my favorite, and too much explanation without a real hook for me.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
I'm not closing the book, but the rest of that paragraph better be better (ooh, ouch, did I just type that?) I'd give the benefit of the paragraph.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't work for me for a number of reasons - opening with protag waking up, starting with Karol rather than Dhouda, too much expo.
ReplyDeletePeter's and Lara's versions are much stronger.
I think this sentence would work better if it was switched around, back to front:
ReplyDelete"Dhouda knew the king was dead, the moment she woke."
That grounds us in the character, makes us curious how she knew (which helps a little with the whole "start the book with someone waking up cliche"), and it makes us curious to want to know about this kingdom. All very good things. :-)
The sentence structure is also much better...yours kind of rambles.
Doesn't do it for me. Too many names and titles to confuse me.
ReplyDeleteThere are three "was" in this sentence. Can you rephrase to make it more active?
ReplyDeleteSorry, I'd pass. I love historical fiction, but the announcement of the king's death coming first, and then being told that Dhuoda knew it, feels like a POV slip right off the bat. The reader knows something before the POV character does. That doesn't work for me. I want to be dropped into the POV character's head from word 1.
ReplyDelete"When Dhuoda was roused from an uneasy sleep, she knew Karol, king...." puts me in her head right away.
If she's already at the funeral or something, and you're saying that she had known when they'd roused her...then I'd start with some setting.
Fred