It's all a bit vague, and the comma after 'overdrive' needs to be a semi-colon (or a period, and break the sentence in two parts), because otherwise it's grammatically incorrect. Sorry, I wasn't hooked.
No. The sentence structure is awkward. While the idea idea could be intriguing, the words used to describe feel overused. Give me the same concept, but with more unique phrasing.
I think this would be more compelling if you described what was causing the dread, rather than Bryan's reaction to it. "Bryan heard the footsteps coming for him and . . . " But that might just be my biased preference.
Not hooked because I didn't know straight-off that Dread wasn't a person or thing acting on Bryan until I got to the first comma (hey, we have something/someone called "Wreck" in an earlier posting (below); maybe there's a "Dread" too?)
I don't think I'd read on. I'd need something more tangible about what is causing the dread. I don't know Bryan, so I don't care about him yet, therefore the fact that he's feeling dread doesn't draw me in. But give me a hint about what is so dreadful, and maybe I'd want to keep reading to learn more.
I misread "Dread" at first as a physical thing or person, which gives me bizarre images. :P
Not crazy about the opening though... I'd like a little more idea of WHY he's scared (also, I think it might be a touch too much physical description too soon) rather than a list of what his body is doing.
Sorry, I'd pass. I'm not a big fan of giving the medical report of the MC with the first sentence. I'd rather be given a visual of him running, or see whatever he sees behind him that's making him run, or even what's ahead. Telling me his heart is pounding doesn't automatically make mine pound.
It's all a bit vague, and the comma after 'overdrive' needs to be a semi-colon (or a period, and break the sentence in two parts), because otherwise it's grammatically incorrect. Sorry, I wasn't hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm not crazy about this one. I think it may be the "palms sweated" part. It doesn't sound right but I'm not sure how to fix it.
ReplyDeleteNo. The sentence structure is awkward. While the idea idea could be intriguing, the words used to describe feel overused. Give me the same concept, but with more unique phrasing.
ReplyDeleteI think this would be more compelling if you described what was causing the dread, rather than Bryan's reaction to it. "Bryan heard the footsteps coming for him and . . . " But that might just be my biased preference.
ReplyDeleteMay be too much too soon. I don't know Bryan well enough to care that much. Would you consider starting the story just a touch ealier?
ReplyDeleteNot hooked because I didn't know straight-off that Dread wasn't a person or thing acting on Bryan until I got to the first comma (hey, we have something/someone called "Wreck" in an earlier posting (below); maybe there's a "Dread" too?)
ReplyDelete1. I'd rather see what is causing the dread rather than be told he was feeling dread.
ReplyDelete2. Bryan should be the subject of the sentence, not dread.
I don't think I'd read on. I'd need something more tangible about what is causing the dread. I don't know Bryan, so I don't care about him yet, therefore the fact that he's feeling dread doesn't draw me in. But give me a hint about what is so dreadful, and maybe I'd want to keep reading to learn more.
ReplyDeleteLike the other comments, I found this to be too much telling, not enough showing. also hated 'palms sweated' just reads wrong...
ReplyDeleteI misread "Dread" at first as a physical thing or person, which gives me bizarre images. :P
ReplyDeleteNot crazy about the opening though... I'd like a little more idea of WHY he's scared (also, I think it might be a touch too much physical description too soon) rather than a list of what his body is doing.
Good luck,
~Merc
Nitpick--unless this is a fantasy world with engines, kicking into overdrive wouldn't make much sense to the inhabitants.
ReplyDeleteI'm not crazed, but I'd read the rest of the page to find out what's going on.
ReplyDeleteFelt awkward to me, the sentence structure didn't flow.
ReplyDeleteThrew me off, so not sure if I would keep reading.
Jeanne's got it - Bryan should be the subject. Didn't work for me - felt too told instead of shown.
ReplyDeleteThis didn't really get it for me. The first comma should be a period or a semicolon...and it's very "telling."
ReplyDeleteSorry, I'd pass. I'm not a big fan of giving the medical report of the MC with the first sentence. I'd rather be given a visual of him running, or see whatever he sees behind him that's making him run, or even what's ahead. Telling me his heart is pounding doesn't automatically make mine pound.
ReplyDeleteFred