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Wednesday, April 1, 2009

FS25

TITLE: DOUBLE AGENT
GENRE: YA Suspense

A gunshot shattered the stillness of the rocky canyon.

15 comments:

  1. No.

    Too generic, too often used in any western of yesteryear.

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  2. No. Seen things like it too many times.

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  3. I have to agree with the first two comments.

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  4. Sorry, I'm with the rest of the comments so far. Shattered the stillness is a very common phrase.

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  5. Doesn't hook me, but it's short enough to hope the second sentence took me somewhere special.

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  6. Too generic it's a cliche. The title does nothing for me, either.

    What makes this story different?

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  7. Too generic and distant. Maybe focus on who is firing the gun to draw the reader right into the action.

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  8. Ditto...need to break out of the cliche with something more...

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  9. Not hooked. Seen too often.

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  10. Cliche.
    Not some much that I'd stop, but enough that I noticed.

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  11. For me, it was a little "so what?" as there was no real voice behind it. Felt distant.

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  12. Too generic and distant. I'd rather see the protag responding to the shot.

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  13. And?

    It's too sparse to interest me. But it's only one sentence, so I'd see what the rest of the paragraph says before I'd decide.

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  14. Sorry, me too. Give me the person in that first line that heard it, not the shot going off and nobody hearing it. Either that, or just go ahead and shot the person getting shot without showing the shooter.

    Fred

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