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Wednesday, April 1, 2009

FS26

TITLE: When in Doubt Carry a Silver Cross: A Single Mom's Guide to Teen Paranormal Dating
GENRE: Fiction

Viv turned the key and fished confetti out of her bra.
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25 comments:

  1. Tracey S. RosenbergApril 1, 2009 at 9:30 AM

    Love the title, but am confused by the sentence. Since I don't know what the key is for (a door? a safebox? a roller skate?) I have no context for it, and then we're rooting around inside her bra, and I'm wondering what in the world she's unlocking THERE....

    I'd read on, but I'd have a question mark over my head until I figured out where that key was.

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  2. ~michelle pendergrassApril 1, 2009 at 9:45 AM

    Considering Genre and title along with first sentence, I'd read on!

    Good job!

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  3. ChariDeeApril 1, 2009 at 9:57 AM

    I really LOVE the title, but not the first sentence, but the title alone would keep me reading.

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  4. ScottApril 1, 2009 at 10:02 AM

    Must have been some night at the bar!!

    Good title. Okay sentence. Still intrigued.

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  5. AnonymousApril 1, 2009 at 10:25 AM

    Great title! It might be better to put where exactly her key goes.

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  6. Terri MolinaApril 1, 2009 at 11:22 AM

    I'm on the fence with this one. You have a misplaced modifier so it makes the sentence clunky. Try starting with her fishing confetti from her bra before using the key to open whatever she's opening.

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  7. AnonymousApril 1, 2009 at 11:42 AM

    I like the first sentence. It tells me it's going to be a humorous read.

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  8. The Screaming GuppyApril 1, 2009 at 11:49 AM

    I agree with Terri about swapping the order. Otherwise, sounds like a fun read.

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  9. c.e.lawsonApril 1, 2009 at 12:18 PM

    I find the first sentence confusing. I can't imagine what turning a key has to do with fishing confetti out of her bra, but since they are linked in the same sentence, they must be linked closely in the story, right? It sounds more like two separate sentences meshed into one. Not sure if I'd read on.

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  10. TraciApril 1, 2009 at 12:35 PM

    Those teenagers! I would read on.

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  11. Amy KinzerApril 1, 2009 at 12:37 PM

    I like the sentence but not the title - what does a single mom have to do with teen dating?

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  12. CD CovingtonApril 1, 2009 at 12:39 PM

    It made me giggle. I'd read on, especially combined with the title.

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  13. AnonymousApril 1, 2009 at 1:03 PM

    Good start, but I would separate the key out of it, or qualify what the key is doing, like is it opening the door? Definitely would keep reading.

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  14. Tracy HolczerApril 1, 2009 at 1:10 PM

    Her bra has a key? If so, that is hilarious and I'd take a little more time with it. If not, clarify.

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  15. romoakApril 1, 2009 at 2:26 PM

    I love the essence, but it can read as she's unlocking her bra to get the confetti out. I'm on the opposite side from most here, while I love the title, It runs on for me.

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  16. Jeanne RyanApril 1, 2009 at 2:53 PM

    The sentence as is is a bit confusing, but the idea is great. I'd read on hoping the rest of the prose was better.

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  17. JudyApril 1, 2009 at 3:26 PM

    LOL. I liked the title and I like the first sentence. I would read on.

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  18. midnightbloomsApril 1, 2009 at 4:10 PM

    While I like the tone/voice, I'm confused because I'm not sure what these 2 things have in common...

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  19. PeterApril 1, 2009 at 4:13 PM

    I agree with Terri...the way you have this now, Viv is turning the key with one hand and fishing confetti out of her bra with the other...talented teen there...

    Love the title... would read on

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  20. AnonymousApril 1, 2009 at 5:44 PM

    Love the title. The first sentence is interesting, but needs to be rearranged a little to make it clearer.

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  21. MercApril 1, 2009 at 6:07 PM

    I was wondering if her bra needed a key, too. :P So I agree with swapping it around. LOVE the title and the basic idea of the first sentence, even if it's a bit clunky as is, so I'd read on.

    Good luck!

    ~Merc

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  22. Kelsey (Dominique) RidgeApril 1, 2009 at 10:30 PM

    Weird enough to pique my interest. I'd keep going.

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  23. Cheryl SApril 2, 2009 at 6:41 AM

    Yeah I would swap the order too and use 'then' instead of 'and'

    But it caught my attention and made me smile.

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  24. puzzlehouseApril 2, 2009 at 10:45 AM

    Fabulous first sentence!

    BUT...

    The title would stop me in my tracks - I'd never pick it up.

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  25. AnonymousApril 3, 2009 at 4:09 PM

    Love the fishing for confetti. I'm reading on.

    Fred

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