Disclaimer: this isn't my genre of choice. But I like this opening because you set up a very significant internal conflict. The fact that she kills people clearly doesn't affect the fact that she genuinely mourns their deaths (except for that intriguing 'almost') but at the same time, that emotion shows no sign of halting her activities.
Hooked, definitely! I'm not much on suspense or vampires or urban fantasy, which this sounds like it might be...but I'd read on anyway, to see if I might like this story!
I really liked this. Everyone commented on the word "almost" and I thought you could make it more powerful by turning it into two sentences. "...the death of every one she killed. Almost."
Sorry, I'd pass. It's close, but not quite enough to hook me. First, the sentence conveys the sense that, since it's not "everyone she had killed" the killings are ongoing. That makes her less than a sympathetic POV character. Add to that the fact that "every one" should really be "everyone" and there's no reason why she doesn't mourn everyone but rather "almost" everyone (which may be the intersting part, who does she think deserves it), then I'd pass.
Disclaimer: this isn't my genre of choice. But I like this opening because you set up a very significant internal conflict. The fact that she kills people clearly doesn't affect the fact that she genuinely mourns their deaths (except for that intriguing 'almost') but at the same time, that emotion shows no sign of halting her activities.
ReplyDeleteSo I'd read on.
Maybe.
ReplyDeleteThe conflict here would make me want to read on, to find out why she has killed against what her heart tells her.
ReplyDeleteI like it. I want to know about the exceptions, the "almost every one."
ReplyDeleteI like it! :-) It makes me feel like a quirky mystery will ensue...
ReplyDeleteMaybe...
ReplyDeleteHOOKED!
ReplyDeleteTotally hooked. Love it.
ReplyDeleteHooked!
ReplyDeleteGood hook.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
ReplyDeleteLoved the word 'almost', really good line.
ReplyDeleteI think the line is perfect and has created an image that drew me in.
ReplyDeleteHooked! The "almost" was definitely the hooking point for me. :D
ReplyDelete~Merc
Never heard of a killer named "Ashlyn." Not sure if I'm going to buy into it, but I like the questions your first sentence sets up!
ReplyDeleteLike it. Would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteI like it! The "almost" makes me wonder if she's a cop, a vamp, or what? So I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteInteresting.
ReplyDeleteHooked, definitely! I'm not much on suspense or vampires or urban fantasy, which this sounds like it might be...but I'd read on anyway, to see if I might like this story!
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued and would read on. Good voice. You've set the hook!
ReplyDeleteI misread this to start and realised that there's a subtle difference between
ReplyDelete'every one she killed'
and
'every one she'd killed'
I suspect she's not done killing yet... and that made me want to read on.
I really liked it. It's a very strong start.
Feels too generic -- genre makes me think Buffy. Doesn't work for me, and unlike some of the other commenters, it's the "almost" that did it.
ReplyDeleteI think I'd read on . . . just to know more about that "almost" and why she is killing people in the first place.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this. Everyone commented on the word "almost" and I thought you could make it more powerful by turning it into two sentences. "...the death of every one she killed. Almost."
ReplyDeleteSorry, I'd pass. It's close, but not quite enough to hook me. First, the sentence conveys the sense that, since it's not "everyone she had killed" the killings are ongoing. That makes her less than a sympathetic POV character. Add to that the fact that "every one" should really be "everyone" and there's no reason why she doesn't mourn everyone but rather "almost" everyone (which may be the intersting part, who does she think deserves it), then I'd pass.
ReplyDeleteFred