Thanks in advance to everyone who takes the time to comment! The first sentence has changed a lot, so any suggestions welcomed. - Tracey S. Rosenberg (the author)
Word verification: losta. I losta lot of sleep over this? ;)
This is a tough topic. The title and the first sentence make it sound humorous, and it's too hard imagine mixing humor and Hitler in a book. It doesn't work for me. Sorry.
Okay - honest opinion, the combination of the title and first sentence is somewhat off-putting. I would have to read a book description to let you know if I would read this or not. I think the opening sentence is too cheery is my first impression. My other first impression is the words "Diary of a Nazi Princess" don't really go together as it sounds too light-hearted for the subject matter.
But - I don't want to be too harsh because this could be a great piece of literature and I don't know enough about it to tell.
She was seventeen when her mother went to work for Hitler, and your first sentence has a very young feel. Twelve or thirteen. It's not that you can't have her starting out young and innocent, but setting the right tone for what's to come is really important. It's a very tragic story. I think just getting rid of the exclamation point might be all you'd need.
Thanks, everyone. I really hadn't thought it sounded overly comic; I will have to think carefully about that!
Conni - 'Uncle' is an honorific; they aren't actually related. I think quite a few children of the Nazi high command called him 'Uncle'. But I must make that relationship clear to the reader, so thanks!
macaronipants - she's not Geli, but an excellent guess. :) The protagonist *is* a twelve-year-old girl, so I'm thrilled that comes through so clearly.
Wow, you're biting off a lot with this title and sentence. I was also thinking Geli but a fictionalized telling of that story wouldn't be of much interest (weird weird weird relationship there)...
I'd also suggest losing the exclamation point and the title is evocative of something more comic than intended. You walk a fine line, something I've dealt with with an earlier manuscript I wrote. It's exceedingly difficult to thread that needle and I wish you luck!
(as for word verification words: am I the only one who keeps getting words that would probably make great names in a fantasy novel? This one is dizesh...which would be DiZesh, the smarmy aide to the evil villain...)
Tracy, I don't know why, but I keep coming back to read the comments on your entry more than any of the others (except mine of course). For what it's worth... Intrigued.
The title makes me cringe. Hopefully, this sort of commercial fiction wouldn't end up anywhere near Anne Frank's Diary. But still, I'd be very very very careful choosing a "diary" title for anything related to the Nazis. That said, I doubt you mean to trivialize the horrors of a terrible regime...it's just that I wouldn't know that from the title. "Diary of a XYZ Princess" sounds chick-lit and light-hearted. Add "Nazi" to that and it sounds like it's glorifying something awful.
I'd never get to the first sentence if I saw a book with this title. I'd probably spew out my coffee, though.
I skipped your title and just read the sentence. It said Adolph and I thought Hitler. Then I read the title and thought "Oh dear God." Honestly, I probably wouldn't have gotten as far as those six words in a bookshop.
Glad to hear it's not Geli!! I would be interested to read on about a coming of age in Nazi Germany. So few are told from the German POV. Stones From the River comes to mind, but not much else. Especially in middle grade/young adult (if that's what this is). You go girl!
Sorry, I'd pass. Since you don't have it in quotes, then I assume it's your first line of narrative. Ending the first line of narrative with an exclamation point makes me cringe. I don't have a problem with a niece loving an uncle who was a Nazi, because I think there were some Nazis who weren't as bad as they've all been portrayed, but if it's Hitler, then the MC is going to be unsympathetic right from the start for being excited to see someone who was simply despicable.
Thought I'd already commented, but Blogger must have eaten it.
I would definitely read on. Going by the title and the spunky voice in this first line, I'm assuming the speaker/narrator is young. I'm also assuming he/she will begin thinking Uncle Adolf is wonderful, and throughout the book will learn some hard truths - a perfect coming-of-age theme.
Using humor to deal with tough subject matter is tricky, but if done well, can be brilliant.
As hooks go, this one's short, sharp, and does the job.
Thanks in advance to everyone who takes the time to comment! The first sentence has changed a lot, so any suggestions welcomed. - Tracey S. Rosenberg (the author)
ReplyDeleteWord verification: losta. I losta lot of sleep over this? ;)
I like it! It makes me want to read more and figure out what this is about.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't read a book about a Nazi princess without a lot of back-up praise to make sure it wasn't offensive.
ReplyDeleteI'm wary. Sounds almost comic, and I can't imagine this being a funny topic.
ReplyDeleteThis is a tough topic. The title and the first sentence make it sound humorous, and it's too hard imagine mixing humor and Hitler in a book. It doesn't work for me. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteOkay - honest opinion, the combination of the title and first sentence is somewhat off-putting. I would have to read a book description to let you know if I would read this or not. I think the opening sentence is too cheery is my first impression. My other first impression is the words "Diary of a Nazi Princess" don't really go together as it sounds too light-hearted for the subject matter.
ReplyDeleteBut - I don't want to be too harsh because this could be a great piece of literature and I don't know enough about it to tell.
I'm intrigued. Of course, I'm also thinking, "Did Adolf have nieces?"
ReplyDeleteThough everyone else's comments about being light-hearted are giving me second thoughts. I dunno.
She was seventeen when her mother went to work for Hitler, and your first sentence has a very young feel. Twelve or thirteen. It's not that you can't have her starting out young and innocent, but setting the right tone for what's to come is really important. It's a very tragic story. I think just getting rid of the exclamation point might be all you'd need.
ReplyDeleteThanks, everyone. I really hadn't thought it sounded overly comic; I will have to think carefully about that!
ReplyDeleteConni - 'Uncle' is an honorific; they aren't actually related. I think quite a few children of the Nazi high command called him 'Uncle'. But I must make that relationship clear to the reader, so thanks!
macaronipants - she's not Geli, but an excellent guess. :) The protagonist *is* a twelve-year-old girl, so I'm thrilled that comes through so clearly.
A very arresting six words. I can see how some are put off. I would read on to see if the book was proceeding toward an area that appealed to me.
ReplyDeletesounds more like historical fiction to me.
ReplyDeleteAs for the problem with title and sentence feel, a lot would depend on the cover. This is one of those cases where the cover would be crucial.
I'd read on.
Wow, you're biting off a lot with this title and sentence. I was also thinking Geli but a fictionalized telling of that story wouldn't be of much interest (weird weird weird relationship there)...
ReplyDeleteI'd also suggest losing the exclamation point and the title is evocative of something more comic than intended. You walk a fine line, something I've dealt with with an earlier manuscript I wrote. It's exceedingly difficult to thread that needle and I wish you luck!
(as for word verification words: am I the only one who keeps getting words that would probably make great names in a fantasy novel? This one is dizesh...which would be DiZesh, the smarmy aide to the evil villain...)
The opening line makes me curious. I'm not turned off by the concept - not yet. I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI like it--I'd read on.
ReplyDelete(I have no objection about topics like this. :P)
~Merc
By the way, I like the title!
ReplyDeleteTracy, I don't know why, but I keep coming back to read the comments on your entry more than any of the others (except mine of course). For what it's worth... Intrigued.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely intrigued. What is meant by "commercial"? Wouldn't this be historical/historical fiction?
ReplyDeleteThe title makes me cringe. Hopefully, this sort of commercial fiction wouldn't end up anywhere near Anne Frank's Diary. But still, I'd be very very very careful choosing a "diary" title for anything related to the Nazis. That said, I doubt you mean to trivialize the horrors of a terrible regime...it's just that I wouldn't know that from the title. "Diary of a XYZ Princess" sounds chick-lit and light-hearted. Add "Nazi" to that and it sounds like it's glorifying something awful.
ReplyDeleteI'd never get to the first sentence if I saw a book with this title. I'd probably spew out my coffee, though.
I skipped your title and just read the sentence. It said Adolph and I thought Hitler. Then I read the title and thought "Oh dear God." Honestly, I probably wouldn't have gotten as far as those six words in a bookshop.
ReplyDeleteThe potential minefield of the subject matter aside, I really liked the beginning.
ReplyDeleteI think it captured the MC's excitement of an impending adventure very well
I really liked this. Hard to tell what exactly it would be about, but I definitley want to read more to find out.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear it's not Geli!! I would be interested to read on about a coming of age in Nazi Germany. So few are told from the German POV. Stones From the River comes to mind, but not much else. Especially in middle grade/young adult (if that's what this is). You go girl!
ReplyDeleteMy first impression of the title was unfavorable. But I'd give it more to see where you're heading.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I'd pass. Since you don't have it in quotes, then I assume it's your first line of narrative. Ending the first line of narrative with an exclamation point makes me cringe. I don't have a problem with a niece loving an uncle who was a Nazi, because I think there were some Nazis who weren't as bad as they've all been portrayed, but if it's Hitler, then the MC is going to be unsympathetic right from the start for being excited to see someone who was simply despicable.
ReplyDeleteFred
Thought I'd already commented, but Blogger must have eaten it.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely read on. Going by the title and the spunky voice in this first line, I'm assuming the speaker/narrator is young. I'm also assuming he/she will begin thinking Uncle Adolf is wonderful, and throughout the book will learn some hard truths - a perfect coming-of-age theme.
Using humor to deal with tough subject matter is tricky, but if done well, can be brilliant.
As hooks go, this one's short, sharp, and does the job.