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Wednesday, April 1, 2009

FS33

TITLE: Reclaiming Mattie
GENRE: Women’s fiction



“Mattie lay in bed listening to the growl of her husband’s pickup truck, the crunch of gravel under the weight of the vehicle.”
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16 comments:

  1. Amy Sue NathanApril 1, 2009 at 10:50 AM

    I like women's fiction but this doesn't hook me. It needs to be more active, even if Mattie is in bed.

    Mattie listened to the growl of the pick-up truck...

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  2. LaraApril 1, 2009 at 11:06 AM

    Actually, I have a sense of impending doom from this. So, as long as the following sentances continue the drama I think it can work.

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  3. Tracey S. RosenbergApril 1, 2009 at 11:07 AM

    Could be tightened a lot - an active verb would help, as the above commenter mentioned, as would trimming the details of the sounds, especially the last six words.

    Not hooked, sorry.

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  4. c.e.lawsonApril 1, 2009 at 12:02 PM

    I'm not sure what the entire last phrase adds to this. I think I need something more to hook me - a sense of emotion - is he leaving? Returning? Is Mattie sad? Angry? Devastated? Give me a hint of what that sound of the pickup truck means.

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  5. TraciApril 1, 2009 at 12:30 PM

    Seems like it should occur later on in the story or paragraph.

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  6. Tracy HolczerApril 1, 2009 at 12:41 PM

    I sense impending doom, too. I would shorten it, though. The growl is too on-the-nose. Plus, too many words can diffuse the impact.

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  7. Jeanne RyanApril 1, 2009 at 3:06 PM

    I like the word "growl." It paints a foreboding picture.

    I'd read on

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  8. JudyApril 1, 2009 at 3:30 PM

    I'm on the fence with this one. I do like the imagery you painted though.

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  9. PeterApril 1, 2009 at 3:38 PM

    Is her hubby just getting home or just leaving her? I like that mystery but felt 'under the weight of the vehicle' was completely unneeded and should be replaced by something more tangible.

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  10. midnightbloomsApril 1, 2009 at 4:24 PM

    I like the words "growl," "crunch," and "weight." The husband has in my mind an animalistic association now...like a big mean junk-yard dog. The tension is great and I'm hoping it is present through the rest of the scene.

    I'd cut the "lay in bed" too as it lowers the tension.


    (Word Verification: bedigra!)

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  11. MercApril 1, 2009 at 7:00 PM

    Not my thing (I'm also confused about the quotes--this isn't dialogue, is it?) so I can't say it hooked me.

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  12. Kelsey (Dominique) RidgeApril 1, 2009 at 10:24 PM

    umm... okay. I'd keep going, but you haven't got me yet.

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  13. Kathleen MacIverApril 1, 2009 at 10:54 PM

    Ehhh... nothing really here...and this isn't really a properly constructed sentence. The comma should be a dash, maybe, or take it out and put "and" in there.

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  14. Cheryl SApril 2, 2009 at 6:25 AM

    I agree the comma is misplaced, but I liked the imagery.

    I would have read on.

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  15. puzzlehouseApril 2, 2009 at 10:26 AM

    Sorry, doesn't grab me.

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  16. AnonymousApril 3, 2009 at 4:44 PM

    Sorry, I'd pass. I assume the quotes are unintentional. But the first visual I get is of someone lying in bed, then on the road, so she's probably in a trailer, I assume. So I have to go and revise my visual. It might help if you gave the reader a visual of the trailer, then the bed. Also, it's a bit wordy. "truck, the crunch of gravel under the weight of the vehicle" could easily be "truck and the crunch of gravel under its weight."

    Fred

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