Pages

▼

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

FS7

TITLE: Untitled #2
GENRE: Fantasy

Frank was at his desk when Alana arrived at work, she was an hour early and he was dead.
at

34 comments:

  1. AmethystGreyeApril 1, 2009 at 9:36 AM

    Yes! Definitely. I love the balance of 'sharp' and 'understated' in this humor. And of course now I wonder why Frank's dead and why/if his being so isn't quite as important as Alana getting to work early. Hee.

    Amethyst

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jamie GreyApril 1, 2009 at 9:41 AM

    Loved this! Definitley hooked.

    ReplyDelete
  3. ChariDeeApril 1, 2009 at 9:48 AM

    Yep, this ones a keeper! LOVE IT!

    ReplyDelete
  4. CD CovingtonApril 1, 2009 at 9:55 AM

    Aside from the comma splice, this is great.

    ReplyDelete
  5. ScottApril 1, 2009 at 9:55 AM

    Yes.

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousApril 1, 2009 at 10:19 AM

    I'd definitely keep reading but the comma threw me for a second.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sheila JGApril 1, 2009 at 10:50 AM

    Loved it!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Andrea CremerApril 1, 2009 at 11:04 AM

    Wonderful!

    ReplyDelete
  9. AnonymousApril 1, 2009 at 11:08 AM

    Great hook!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Lucy WoodhullApril 1, 2009 at 11:19 AM

    Great! I'd definitely continue.

    ReplyDelete
  11. AnonymousApril 1, 2009 at 11:52 AM

    I like it.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Tracy HolczerApril 1, 2009 at 1:15 PM

    I like it alot. I think you have two sentences here at the comma. And you need a comma between early and and.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Being BethApril 1, 2009 at 1:52 PM

    I'd absolutely read more.

    ReplyDelete
  14. romoakApril 1, 2009 at 2:11 PM

    Completely agree with macaronipants. Great hook, needs 2 sentences and a comma.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Jeanne RyanApril 1, 2009 at 2:13 PM

    I love this, but the comma doesn't work. I'd use an em-dash.

    ReplyDelete
  16. DCSApril 1, 2009 at 2:16 PM

    The comma doesn't work--how about this?
    Fabulous hook though.

    ReplyDelete
  17. LaraApril 1, 2009 at 2:40 PM

    Liked it!

    ReplyDelete
  18. JudyApril 1, 2009 at 3:14 PM

    Hooked!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Elana JohnsonApril 1, 2009 at 3:26 PM

    Very nice. Very, very nice. :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. J.R. JohanssonApril 1, 2009 at 3:34 PM

    use -- and I love it! :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Deb SApril 1, 2009 at 3:59 PM

    Ditto on the love.

    ReplyDelete
  22. MercApril 1, 2009 at 4:25 PM

    I like it, and would read on, but for some reason I think a semi-colon instead of a period would connect the two thoughts better. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  23. c.e.lawsonApril 1, 2009 at 4:39 PM

    I'd definitely read on. I agree with the punctuation comments above and would recommend an em-dash. But I'm not convinced it's humor yet. Is something wrong with me? Good luck with this--it seems very intriguing.

    ReplyDelete
  24. puzzlehouseApril 1, 2009 at 4:52 PM

    Great idea, but either use a dash or two sentences. I might even break it into two paragraphs for extra punch.

    ReplyDelete
  25. AnonymousApril 1, 2009 at 6:00 PM

    The comma is awkward, but it's a great first line. Just needs some tweaking.

    ReplyDelete
  26. nessiliApril 1, 2009 at 10:28 PM

    First thought that popped in my head was Jasper Fforde's writing (the Thursday Next books). Not sure if you're aiming for that kind of book, but that's what came across. Which is a very good thing. I definitely would read more. Especially with this labeled as a fantasy.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Kelsey (Dominique) RidgeApril 1, 2009 at 10:46 PM

    I think you're comma should be a semicolon, but otherwise I love it.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Elizabeth LundApril 1, 2009 at 10:49 PM

    This is a great hook but could be revised to avoid the comma splice.

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Cheryl SApril 2, 2009 at 7:09 AM

    Oooh yes please!

    This one zings!

    Loved it ( and jealous as sin)

    ReplyDelete
  30. PeterApril 2, 2009 at 9:00 AM

    "Frank was at his desk when Alana arrived at work; she was an hour early, he was dead."

    Great job!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Charlie RiceApril 2, 2009 at 7:11 PM

    Out of the 50, this "sentence" hooked me the most.

    ReplyDelete
  32. justJoanApril 2, 2009 at 10:35 PM

    What the? LOL I love it!

    ReplyDelete
  33. danceluvrApril 3, 2009 at 1:42 AM

    So is Frank the important character or Alana?

    Not being a mystery fan, I'd probably not read much further.

    ReplyDelete
  34. AnonymousApril 3, 2009 at 2:35 PM

    Yeah, put a semi-colon there, and I'm reading on. Good job.

    Fred

    ReplyDelete