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Wednesday, April 1, 2009

FS8

TITLE: Loving Mary Sue
GENRE: Women's Fiction

Yellowstone National Park – Julia Collingsworth loathed the place.

18 comments:

  1. Combined with the title, I'd probably check out the cover blurb, but pretty much because I'd wonder what Mary Sue-ism had to do with Yellowstone. It might be better to make me wonder why Julia hated Yellowstone so much.

    Amethyst

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  2. It's short and sweet, and I wonder why Julia hates Yellowstone. Though, huh, looking at the title, I also wonder what it has to do with self-insertion characters in fanfiction.

    That might not be a concern in your target audience, though.

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  3. I'd read on. I'm not sure you need the last name, I always find that very formulaic. Someone can say her last name later on. Julia alone, much more personal.

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  4. I'd read on to see why, for sure. I mean, c'mon, it's Yellowstone!

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  5. I think this sentence sounds intriguing. I want to read on to find out why Julia loathes Yellowstone.

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  6. I would keep reading.

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  7. I'd keep reading, I love Yellowstone.

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  8. I'd read on, but I would be wary of the prose being too gimicky.

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  9. not hooked yet, it estranges me from the MC instead of drawing me in.

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  10. I'm not fond of the structure. I agree with Jenn above -- it distances me from the character.

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  11. Erm, kinda on the fence here. I'm curious why she hates the park, but nothing else really grabs me. (Also, I admit, I don't read that genre much.)

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  12. Sorry, doesn't do anything for me.

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  13. Lose last name and I'd read more.

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  14. I think I'd prefer it with a different structure: 'Julia loathed Yellowstone.'

    Not sure you need her last name or Yellowstone's for that matter....

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  15. I agree with Peter. Change the structure to say something like, "There was no place on earth Julia loathed more than Yellowstone."

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  16. Doesn't exactly hook me, but I'd read on to see why she hates it, since I'd think most people would enjoy it.

    Fred

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