TITLE: Shades of Gray
GENRE: Middle Grade Historical Fiction
Mister Warrington: Plantation owner
Patrick: Mister Warrington's son
Smudge: A small slave boy
Because Patrick has already been caught helping Smudge, he was banished as a punishment to live and work with the slaves. Patrick sneaked into the house and got some clothes for Smudge. Mister Warrington saw him do it.
Mister Warrington has just discovered Smudge wearing the pair of shoes that Patrick gave him. Although he is fully aware of how Smudge got them, he still accuses Smudge of stealing the shoes, and refuses to listen to Patrick as he tries to take responsibility for it.
Mister Warrington twisted the top of his walking stick and withdrew an inner section, much like he would a sword from its scabbard. He grasped the brass sheathing, and with a swift motion slid it toward the handle. Several snake-like tendrils tipped in brass hung limply from the end. Patrick's father had just converted his walking stick into a vicious whip.
Mister Warrington stood over Smudge, and held him down with his foot. "Patrick," he said. "What do you suppose would be a suitable punishment for a thieving slave?"
Patrick's insides tightened as he realized that his father was about to punish Smudge for things he knew Patrick had done. Patrick tensed as his father shoved Smudge hard, and yanked backward on his ragged collar so he came free of his shirt, and landed face first on the ground. Mister Warrington discarded the filthy, tattered garment, and readied himself.
"I told you he didn't do it," Patrick shouted.
"And I told you to be quiet." Mister Warrington swept Patrick aside with his free arm. A manic flame now burned in his eyes. A smattering of shocked voices came from the fields as he reared back and swung. Patrick was already in motion, and dove on top of Smudge.
With a horrifying crack, the cruel metal tips tore into his flesh. White-hot and ferocious pain, unlike any he had ever known, radiated through his body. As he writhed, Smudge pulled out from beneath him, and ran away.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The first paragraph - how you describe unsheating the ship - is confusing to me. I think you could probably skip the sentence "He grasped..." and it would be clearer. The last sentence sums it up fine.
ReplyDeleteThird paragraph - you might try breaking the first sentence into two. "... tightened. He realized..." I have read that starting your paragraphs with shorter setences helps bring the reader in.
Overall, it's a very dramatic scene taht makes me feel for both characters.
I really like this passage. I like that Smudge ran away at the end. This is a very realistic thing for a young boy to do, even though to adult brains it may seem cowardly.
ReplyDeleteThere's a good mix between showing and telling, enough that we empathize with the characters but it's not too graphic.
Very well done.
I would try to clarify the description of the whip so you don't need the final telling sentence that it's a whip. I love the names you give your characters. Mister Warrington is a great villain.
ReplyDeleteI think this scene showed the emotions of the characters pretty clearly. You get a clear sense of the slave owner's evilness & cruelty as well as his son's sympathy & kindness. I would like to have seen the emotional response of Smudge, which was most likely right before this scene or maybe after?
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I had a problem with was in the first paragraph like Jessie said above. I think it could be tightened a bit. Perhaps like this:
Mister Warrington twisted the top of his walking stick, withdrawing an inner section comprised of several snake-like tendrils tipped in brass.
Or something to that effect. I'm sure you could do better than me, though. This is just my humble opinion, of course.
As it stands, I'd love to read more of this. Good job!
This passage grabs me emotionally. Well done. In the first paragraph, I understand exactly what Warrington is doing as he does it. I don't need the last sentence--it is obviously a whip. I cringed waiting for what happened next.
ReplyDelete3rd paragraph question: If Smudge is alread on the ground under Warrington's foot how does he shove him hard? I'd have him yank roughly on Smudge's ragged collar and ripped it free to bare his back---or something like that.
4th paragraph I'd show some action from Patick as he shouts. Maybe he throws himself at his father which leads to his being swept aside in the next paragraph. I'm always interested in how people get where they are in a scene.
Then Patrick can gather himself from the ground and leap on top of Smudge--something more dramatic than being already in motion.
Good work. Really gripping.
The emotional intensity of this scene is amazing, and your portrayal of the historical time period is well done. Good work!
ReplyDeleteSome nitpiks:
Mister Warrington swept Patrick aside with his free arm. A manic flame now burned in his eyes. A smattering of shocked voices came from the fields as he reared back and swung.Two sentences beginning with "A" in a row serve to weaken what is otherwise strong writing. Try:
Mister Warrington swept Patrick aside with his free arm, a manic flame burning in his eyes. A smattering of shocked voices came from the fields as he reared back and swung.
(Or something like that; you catch my drift.)
White-hot and ferocious pain, unlike any he had ever known, radiated through his body.I would simply remove "and" from the above sentence. Or maybe even take out "ferocious." I really like "white-hot" and feel that it stands well on its own:
White-hot pain, unlike any he head ever known, radiated through his body.
Great work--I want to read more!
I thought the tension came through really well. i had a couple of minor issues. A few too many descriptors. I'm wondering if Mister W would really have his son spend even more time with the slaves if the issue is that he's too friendly/easy on them? Maybe it's just me, but that didn't ring true. Also, much smaller point, "A smattering of shocked voices came from the fields..." Would people in the fields have a clue what was happening in the house?
ReplyDeleteSmall issues, I'd keep reading, gripping.