TITLE: Tinkers
GENRE: YA urban fantasy
Ben, my MC, has just killed a chicken to save the reputation of a group of people called Travellers, people who don't have social security cards and live in RV's in the woods. He's just found out that his recently deceased mother was a traveller and so he feels that he has to protect their honor. A group of kids at school said that they used to steal and kill chickens, so he sets off to kill one. As this opens, Ben is in the coop just after the incident at his friend Mickey's farm. Ben is reacting to having killed the chicken, but Mickey thinks he's overreacting to an act of nature.
“Ben, you in there?” he called.
I wiped my eyes quickly. My hands were clammy and small feathers were stuck to them. I tried to sound normal.
“There’s… there’s something wrong with the chickens.”
He opened the door. “Something wrong?”
I pointed to the dead white chicken laying in the dirt by my feet.
He pushed it softly with the toe of his shoe.
It flopped back down into the dirt. It was really, really dead. I killed it. My eyes burned and I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore.
“I didn’t…” I sobbed. “It’s dead. I don’t know what happened. It’s dead. It’s not moving Mickey. It’s dead. What did I do?”
“Woah, woah, calm down,” He said. “This happens some times. Old Betsy was going to die sooner or later. It’s not your fault.”
He led me out of the coop where the other chickens stared at me. They knew what I had done. It was totally my fault.
“Betsy?”
“Yeah, Betsy was our oldest egg chicken. Don’t cry, man. We kill a chicken nearly every week. It’s not a big deal.”
I sniffed, and wiped my eyes again.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” was all I could squeak out. I kept hearing the noise that its neck made when it snapped. Like gravel under your shoes, like breaking yarn, like snapping apart those cheap wooden chopsticks from Young Po Chinese Food. I knew I would never be able to eat sweet and sour chicken again.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Useless comment, I guess... but I actually really like this passage. The feeling is good, realistic depending on the age of the MC (I'm assuming younger, but that may not be true). I like the dialogue, seems realistic to me. I especially liked the last paragraph.
ReplyDeleteThere are a couple of places where you're missing a comma, but it doesn't disrupt the flow of the story. (Remember if you have two independent clauses separated by a conjunction, there should be a comma before the conjunction. For example: "My hands were clammy COMMA, and small feathers were stuck to them."
Later, too, "I sniffed, and wiped my eyes again" there shouldn't be a comma here since "wiped my eyes" is a dependent clause. (It doesn't have a subject.)
But again, didn't disrupt the flow of the story for me.
I'm wondering how he's wiping his eyes though--I mean, his hands are covered with tiny feathers. Wouldn't they be getting in his eyes?
You might also want to play around with smell a bit. His hands would smell like the chicken--this would be pretty repulsive, I think.
The boy who killed the chicken seems young for YA to me. (It's hard to tell out of context though. Maybe that's why it's an overreaction.)
ReplyDeleteI don't understand why Ben said "there's something wrong with the chickenS." Isn't there only 1 that's dead? And he killed it. That sentence sort of threw me off.
The last paragraph is great. The way you describe the sounds really gives a feel for the neck breaking.
Not to sound like a parrot, but I agree with the others' comments. And, I think smell could be a real scene-stealer hear. Coops are not fragrant, and if you combine that with his guilt and horror over what he's done and that last paragraph where he's thinking about food...well, he might vomit.
ReplyDeleteGreat, job, though. I really enjoyed this piece. :)
For some reason "softly" bothers me. Maybe he pushed it "gently with his toe."
ReplyDeleteI agree with the smell. It's the first thing I think of when I hear chicken coop.
Last paragraph was funny. Loved the chinese food bit.
I'm not sure this was supposed to be funny, but it did make me laugh. I loved when the chickens looked at him and knew what he'd done.
ReplyDeleteThis has a unique personality and voice. Hang on to that!
This was great--clear, genuine writing and a unique situation. My only comment would be the second like in the last paragraph--like breaking yarn doesn't have the power of snapping the wooden chopsticks.
ReplyDeleteI think you've gotten some great comments here, and I will echo them. I love the idea of adding the heavy aroma of a chicken coop. Especially if it's hot summer time. And maybe the sounds of the chickens. I've been around chickens and they're pretty talkative most of the time.
ReplyDeleteI also like the line about the chickens staring at him, knowing what he'd done.
Finally, unless this POV character is actually younger than most young adult characters, his reactions and thoughts seem a bit juvenile. Is it possible that he's a bit like Lenny from Of Mice and Men? I mean, slightly challenged? That was the idea that kept popping into my head as I read it, knowing it was a YA genre.
But I really did like it. I like the voice and the descriptions, and you've made it painfully clear that he feels terrible about what he's done.
I got a little confused at the beginning. Was he trying to cover up the fact that he killed the chicken or was he truly shocked that he'd done it?
ReplyDeleteThe phrase "really, really dead" bothers me for some reason.
The passage is good, though. There are just enough descriptions to get me into the story without slowing the flow and the last paragraph is great.
This swept me right along and I could feel the lad's anguish at his actions.
ReplyDeleteI really liked your description of hearing the neck snapping and likening it to chopsticks being separated. I thought that paragraph was terrific
Well done.
I loved the voice and was intrigued by the situation. Not sure why he thought killing a chicken would help anyone, despite your intro par, but I'm sure it is clearer in the full manuscript.
ReplyDeleteThis seems more mg to me. I was a little confused about the premise (how does killing a chicken honor his mother even if she was a Traveller?) and why his friend would be okay with him killing one of his chickens? i think it would be quite clear to someone who has chickens that the neck was snapped. And would one guy really cry in front of another?
ReplyDeleteAside from that, I thought the style was good and you presented a vivid scene and the emotion really stood out. I'd keep reading.