TITLE: WHERE ODD FELLOWS REST
GENRE: Mystery/Suspense
KK McKnaught, an investigative reporter for the local newspaper in New Orleans, has been trying to find out who killed Senator Langley when a cab driver double-crosses her and takes her to Fred Duffy, head of the state police, the very person she has been trying to avoid. Duffy has just spied a rope with a flash drive on it around KK’s neck. They are standing on a bridge over a swamp in the dark of night.
"Well, what have we here," he said sarcastically, pulling hard on the string. With the lariat still around her neck, Duffy held the flash drive in his hands and snarled, showing his cigar-stained teeth. He began to laugh, then stopped abruptly when he realized KK had been lying to him. He jerked down hard on the lariat, causing KK to fall forward toward his stomach, causing her to cough from the pressure of the lariat on her throat.
"You b****!" Duffy shrieked. He cocked his fist back in a rage.
Still bent over, KK screamed and jumped to the side, toward the railing, trying to avoid his fist.
"No!" Andrew Connelly yelled as he rushed toward his uncle, trying to stop him.
Duffy threw his whole body forward with his arm, the slick wet pavement propelling him toward her. His fist hit KK squarely on the side of the head; the blow threw her sideways, out over the railing. She grabbed his arm to catch her balance but the force of the blow sent KK and Fred Duffy, whose arm she was still clenching, hurdling over the side of the railing and into the swamp below.
Andrew Connelly ran to the railing, sliding through the slickness of the leftover rainwater, calling his uncle's name, trying to reach for him as a red motorcycle whizzed by, drowning out the screams.
Connelly called again for his uncle, searching out into the darkness below.
But there was no response, only a dead silence.
Miss Snark's First Victim
You describe the action well, so that it's clear what's goin on. That's a hard trick to master; kudos. Ya done good.
ReplyDeleteI think, though, that you're over-explaining here and there. There's no reason to say Duffy speaks sarcastically, as the dialogue implies his tone adequately. 'In a rage' and 'trying to stop him' are also both already implicit from their antecedents, so you can drop them, too.
Also, avoid the 'began' and 'trying to' traps. Just have Duffy laugh or Andrew reach.
I think this sentence, 'Duffy threw his whole body forward with his arm', does clearly show what you mean, but it's a tad clumsy. I'd tinker with that some more. Later in that paragraph, you mention KK grabbing/clutching Duffy's arm twice. Once is sufficient. And I'd lose the semi-colon. That sentence would be fine broken in two.
I don't think it's necessary to use full names so often. I'd stick with either first or last names only.
How is Connelly searching out into the darkness below? Searching implies physically going to look. Is he going inot the swamp, or still at the railing? Peering or looking or something along those lines is more accurate, unless he jumped the railing and is slogging about in the water.
Overall, not bad at all, just needs a little tightening and less over-explaining. Good job. Carry on!
In general, I agree with Mark Orr's comments. Pare down the writing a little in the action areas. Watch your verbs. Sometimes less is more.
ReplyDeleteI might break up the first paragraph to emphasize the change when Duffy realizes she's been lying to him--puts us on alert.
The biggest thing I need corrected is the 'flying body parts' ;) We all do it (eg, her eyes flew around the room, searching for Mr. Right), but it's a red flag for lots of agents and editors. So maybe something like, "Duffy put all his weight into the punch..."
The story sounds intriguing, though, so keep at it!
Some of the critters are here are amazing. I'm new here and just trying to keep up.
ReplyDeleteYou used "causing" twice in the following sentence and I think that's why it tripped me up (one of my own bad habits, too).
"causing KK to fall forward toward his stomach, causing her to cough from the pressure of the lariat on her throat."
I think you could cut out "forward"
too. Maybe you could say . . .
He jerked down hard on the lariat. KK fell forward and the pressure of the lariat caused her to cough.
I'm sure you could do it better but that's an idea.
I kept coming back to this one, because there's so much action it just drew me in. Well done.
ReplyDeleteAt first I was a little confused about who/how many characters are in this scene, but that's probably just due to the nature of DtN.
The only thing I want to add to what's been said above, is that this sentence is confusing: "He jerked down hard on the lariat, causing KK to fall forward toward his stomach, causing her to cough from the pressure of the lariat on her throat."
I'm not sure if it's the "forward toward" or the word order or if it's just me, but this was a brain-twister. You may want to consider breaking the action up or letting us get some of the details on our own. Readers will fill in quite a bit during an action scene, it's probably from all that TV. :)
You've got a great action scene. But it's a little too wordy. And that slows the flow.
ReplyDeleteExample: second sentence "With the lariat still around her neck"- we know that already.
"Well, what have we here," he snarled pulling hard on the string.
He began to laugh showing his cigar-stained teeth, then.." this moves faster.
And later when you say the "blow went KK and Fred Duffy" no need for both his names.
I liked the interaction and the intensity of these characters, but the wordiness prevented this scene from reaching its potential, IMO.
ReplyDeleteSarcastically? To me, the dialogue covers the sarcasm, so no need to TELL what you SHOWed.
I think "yanking" could replace "pulling hard." A stronger verb here wouldn't hurt, IMO.
What prevented me from enjoying this exchange to the max was wordiness. For example, I don't think you need: "With the lariat still around her neck," It doesn't really add, IMO. "In his hands" adds little either. With what else could he be holding the flash drive? Snarled just TELLS what you go on to SHOW with the stained teeth (great detail).
Does he need to "begin" to laugh? Can he just laugh? He laughed, then stopped (no need for abruptly) when he realized...
Tighten this up and I'm sure it'll shine. Good luck.
The action in this is good, but there is some awkwardness. First, there's a problem with use of names, Andrew Connelly twice, then he's Connelly, Fred Duffy or Duffy. There are also some messy sentences, such as:
ReplyDeleteShe grabbed his arm to catch her balance but the force of the blow sent KK and Fred Duffy, whose arm she was still clenching, hurdling over the side of the railing and into the swamp below.
This is just a rough example:
She grabbed Duffy's arm and the two of them tumbled into the swamp below.
You've already got her hanging over the railing; I don't think you need so much description.
With some editing, this works for me.