GENRE: Women's Fiction
MC Jess is home for sister Roxy's HS graduation. It's her first visit in years because she thinks she's outgrown her family and the small Texas town in which she grew up. She thinks nothing ever changes here—until....
Roxy saved her from making any undoubtedly-unsatisfactory choice by shuffling in just then, bleary-eyed, wild-haired and wearing only a faded T-shirt sporting words of wisdom about alcohol consumption: One tequila, two tequila, three tequila…floor.
“Good heavens, Roxanne!” their mother cried. “I thought you’d already gone. Do you have any idea what time it is?! Alletta’s expecting you at—”
Jess’s sister bracketed her head with her hands. “Mom. Chill. It’s too damned early to start that crap.”
The newspaper lowered, revealing their father’s face wearing his stony police-chief look. His skin had more wrinkles and more freckles than she remembered—but his mouth was the same hard, uncompromising line it had been when she was Roxy’s age.
Jess swiveled her head, eying the room’s other occupants. Waiting for the explosion.
That never came.
Instead, they all just observed a moment of silence while Roxy absently scratched her left buttock.
Unbelievable. If she’d talked back like that, she’d have been grounded for life.
“Just make me some toast,” Roxy growled. “And don’t put anything on it this time!”
Jessica realized her mouth was hanging open just about the time her sister strolled over to pour herself some coffee. Jutting her chin, Roxy demanded, “What are you looking at?”
Suddenly, the kitchen floor seemed covered with eggshells—or landmines—instead of worn brick-patterned linoleum.
I'm intrigued by this; wondering if Roxy is sick and Jess doesn't know it yet. The level of emotion didn't seem especially high, but there was a nice flow to the writing and the description of Jess--the T-shirt, the butt scratching--was great.
ReplyDeleteI, too, am intrigued. As an older sister whose little sister got away with murder (hopefully not literally), I think you nailed the incredulity here.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest that you draw out the tension of the moment a bit more, though - if you really want this to be an overly emotional scene. Maybe by juxtaposing the moment with something light-hearted or distracting for Jessica, to contrast with the stillness of the room? Like hearing a weird news report on a tv in the other room, or the trash people collecting garbage?
Just my two cents. Good luck!
Your writing reads very easily. I like it.
ReplyDeleteI especially liked your description of Dad's mouth being a "hard, uncompromising line." That brought a very clear picture to my mind. My dad made the same face. ;) Also, the kitchen floor being covered with "eggsgells-or landmines" rather than "worn brick-patterned linoleum" is a great description.
I like this, your juxtaposition of the silly (& inappropriate) shirt and Roxy's reaction to Mom's nagging are great. I felt the tense silence of the kitchen after that bombshell.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking Roxy may be sick, but I hope that's not it. If the family's walking on eggshells for her for another, surprising reason that would be wonderful. But that's just me. I read a lot of Women's Fiction and some plots/themes have been done a million times. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but if you can surprise me I'll buy all of your books. :)
I laughed out loud at the tequila joke and could see Roxy's scruffy, bottom scratching appearance very clearly through your MC's eyes. I thought that was very well done
ReplyDeleteThe landmines and eggshells line was terrific too.
The reaction - or lack of reaction to Roxy's behaviour was intriguing. I would definitely read on.
hmm Gonna share that tequila line though. I loved it!
Roxy sounds spoiled and maybe a bit wild? Wondering if her parents don't know what to do with her.Her comment about the toast leads me to believe she's the one in charge, not her parents. Despite the tequila joke, does Roxy have a hangover perhaps? It wouldn't be the first time in small town TX at graduation time.
ReplyDeleteI like the last line. What is really going on in this house?
I want to know more.
I totally enjoyed this! I like the characters, the interaction between members of this apparently dysfunctional family. And since your MC has come home after such a long time, she can see things with a fresh point-of-view. She can point out to the readers the oddities of her family that she might never have noticed when she lived there.
ReplyDeleteJust a couple of picky, picky points: In the first paragraph, I don't think undoubtedly unsatisfactory should be hyphenated.
Also, in the eighth paragraph, since this is Jess's internal thought,shouldn't it be written in the first person? "Unbelievable. If had talked back like that, I would've been grounded for life."
I definitely would like to know these characters better. I want to know their secrets!
I thought this was done well, but the undoubtedly-unsatisfactory phrase in the first line was awkward. I agree that it shouldn't be hyphenated. I also wonder if it might be better if you broke up the two words, i.e. said something like, "... from making a choice that would undoubtedly be unsatisfactory."
ReplyDeleteHmmm. Even then I don't think it works. The words are too similar. Maybe you could replace 'undoubtedly' with 'no doubt'.
Except for the first far too long sentence, I thought this was well done. I'd read more.
ReplyDelete