TITLE: Whisper
GENRE: Fantasy
Darry/Daria is an apprentice dream catcher, a person with the ability to locate a fantasy in person's mind and direct it into a dream completely realistic in feeling. As women are banned from the craft, Daria has been posing as a boy. A few minutes ago, she awoke on the floor of an Inn to find that the dream she'd been catching for a client had become reality, and only she and Master Rycon, who had been observing the dream as she worked, were aware of the changes. She and Rycon are now in her rented room.
"Do you see what you've done, Darry?" Rycon's voice ground like a millstone. "Or should I say, Daria."
"Yes, Master!" I flopped down on the bed. "I gave Cooper his wife and child back. Why does that make you so angry?"
"It's last night, Darry. Do you understand that? You've swung time, swung the entire world, back on itself! You've true dreamed."
"True dreamed." I rolled the seductive term around on my tongue. "Wondrous."
"No." Rycon's face hardened. "It's a baneful power not meant for human hands. Look what it's done to you." He nodded toward my shaking body, and dropping to the edge of the bed, felt my forehead. His lips flattened. "Fever."
I swatted the hand aside. "I can manage it."
"Can you?"
A cryptic question and one I chose to take at face value. "It's a small thing, Master. Why not focus on the good?"
"The good?" He slapped me, a bone-shivering smack to my senses, for all it wasn't much it truth. "Damn it, Darry! You've altered peoples' lives. Altered history!"
"A small part, Master, and for the better. Cooper's wife and son were stolen away by Bandian raiders, now they never were."
"Were they?"
The man could glare, but so too could I, aching head or no. "Were they what?"
"Were they in fact abducted? Did you confirm Cooper's story with anyone? Because I heard folks talking last night, or rather, this night in its original version," his nostrils flared, "and they said different."
Miss Snark's First Victim
I've chosen to critique this one first because it completely sucked me in when I posted it last night...well done! =)
ReplyDeleteI think your main focus in editing needs to be tightening the dialogue. If you read it out loud (a technique I employ regularly), you will more easily hear things that sound awkward.
Example:
"Or should I say, Daria."
I know what you're getting at here--she's using a different name because she's pretending to be a boy. But Rycon's dialogue sounds forced, unnatural. Perhaps a simple, "Or, Daria." is all that is needed there.
"A small part, Master, and for the better. Cooper's wife and son were stolen away by Bandian raiders, now they never were."
Again, I think Darry's line above can be tightened to "sound" better in the reader's ear:
"A small part. They were stolen away by Bandian raiders, and now they never were."
In instances like this, I think it's important to remember little things like the readers' KNOWING you're talking about the wife and son. In this heated conversation, I don't think Darry would take the time to use so many words to express her feelings, nor remember to use "Master" to address him.
That said, I love the concept of "true dreaming" and the last line COMPLETELY made me want to keep reading. I adore stories in which time is manipulated, which probably biases me in favor of this. Nonetheless, if it weren't well written, I wouldn't have such a positive response.
Good work!
I was sucked in right away. Wish I could read more.
ReplyDeleteI was puzzled by "A cryptic question, and one I chose to take at face value"...I think this means taking 'it' to refer to her fever and not to her power generally? I wasn't sure which way Rycon is supposed to have intended it.
"...for all it wasn't much it truth." HUH?
ReplyDeleteA punctuation nitpick on the last sentence. I think it would work better if it was "...original version—" His nostrils flared. "—and they say different."
Otherwise, I love the concept and your writing moves along, is clear, keeps it interesting. No big glitches, just a little tidying.
Great job!
This is good! I want to know- what really happened? Did the wife run away?
ReplyDeleteFirst class story telling!
A few lines could be deleted as the others have said- "cryptic question part" for example- not sure we need that line- the dialogue answers it.
and yea, the phrase "for all it wasn't much..."don't need that.
Great concept and I would love to read more. One little niggle - I've been trying to flatten my lips and have no idea how that works. And to have someone flattening his lips and then flaring his nostrils is a bit busy on the face front.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this. If it was a book, I'd read it.
ReplyDelete