TITLE: Emmy's Song
GENRE: YA/Paranormal
This is a pivotal scene where the MC finally lets herself feel emotions for her true love, unfortunately, her best friend is already his date to the dance...
A few strands of his raven hair had fallen out of place and were hanging over his left eye. Tentatively, I reached my hand up to push them back in place. That’s when I heard it. The sudden intake of breath followed by a muffled cry. I dropped my hand and whirled around to see Sarah standing at the rear entrance to the parking lot. She had both her hands over her mouth and a horrified look on her face. I felt sick.
“Sarah, it’s not what you think.” I tried to walk toward her but she immediately began backing up.
“I thought you were my friend! How could you do this to me Emmy? How?”
I didn’t have an answer for her. How could I have done this? What was wrong with me?
“Sarah, please if you will just listen . . .”
“No! I will never listen to anything you say again.”
“Sarah, please you are being unreasonable.” Cale began.. “If you will just listen to her.” He finally released me from his hold and started to walk toward her.
“Don’t you come near me! Either of you! Don’t you ever come near me again!”
Sarah turned and ran. I tried to follow her, but Cale grabbed my arm.
“Emmy, wait. I need to talk to you. I need to tell you something.”
“Just drop it Cale. Can’t you see that you have ruined everything! I wish you had never come here!” I pulled my arm away from him with all my might and he let me go. I started to run after Sarah but was not sure where she went. I went back inside the performance building and grabbed Chris from Tracy’s embrace. She was not too happy.
“Chris, something awful has happened and I can’t find Sarah."
Miss Snark's First Victim
This one captured my attention, too, when I was posting last night.
ReplyDeleteI think the tension is very good, and it's the dialogue that needs tightening.
Example:
“I thought you were my friend! How could you do this to me Emmy? How?”
The "I thought you were my friend" is kind of cliched, if you know what I mean. And the extra "How?" on the end is a bit too melodramatic. Perhaps if you shorten it to:
"How could you do this to me, Emmy?"
It's probably the most coherent thing that poor Sarah could spew at the moment, anyway, since she's just discovered her date holding her friend in his arms.
“Sarah, please you are being unreasonable.” Cale began.. “If you will just listen to her.”
The "please you are being unreasonable" doesn't read well for the age of the character. Maybe just, "Sarah, if you will just listen to her." Crisper, more realistic dialogue.
I'm wondering, too, about the "Can't you see that you have ruined everything!" line. It really jumped out at me as I read the excerpt--both times.
I know she's having a knee-jerk reaction at this point, but that accusation seems really brutal, especially in light of the fact that she's equally guilty here. Maybe if she said something closer to, "Can't you see that everything's ruined!"
I definitely want to keep reading!
I'm quite curious about what's going on here--why does the narrator blame Cale? and why isn't this what Sarah thinks it is? But the dialogue doesn't sound live. I don't think it's a problem with redundancy, for me; people often are redundant when upset; but I can't hear these people speaking.
ReplyDeleteThis works-even, the cliche's are things I hear my daughter and her friends say. (though the 'with all my might' was a bit much)
ReplyDeleteIt was the formality that didn't fit to me. Teens use contractions.
"She was not too happy."
I'd do- She wasn't too happy.
"but was not sure were she went"
wasn't sure
"I wish you had never come here." (hadn't)
But overall, I think these characters behaved/talked as they should.
Just a few adverbs bothered me: He finally released me from his hold and started to walk toward her.
ReplyDeleteTry it without "finally."
I liked the tension--it flowed and felt easy.
I liked that the protagonist didn't understand why she acted the way she did.
If these are teenagers talking they would use contractions. The dialogue is too formal. But I love the tension of this scene and I really want to know what Cale wanted to tell her.
ReplyDeleteThe thing that jumped out at me was the lack of contractions in the dialogue. It would have sounded much more natural with them.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise I was definitely in the moment with your characters and the pace was excellent.
'Sarah, please you are being unreasonable' is pure Edward Cullen. Is that what you want?
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments above about contractions. Also, you should probably have a comma before and after the word "please" in your dialog.
ReplyDeleteMaybe try shortening the sentences to make the dialog a little more natural. Like, "Sarah, please, just listen."
Otherwise, you have a good conflict scene here.
I'd like to add another vote to say this needs contractions. When I was reading it, I thought it sounded too formal for teenagers having an argument. Apart from that, it's good.
ReplyDelete