TITLE: Molly Gumnut’s Little Critters
GENRE: MG
Molly isn’t allowed to have a pet for her birthday. At a barbeque in Molly’s garden, a girl called Angela tells Molly the only pet she’ll get is a set of rollerblades and she suggests Molly puts a leash on one and pretend it’s a dog. (Rosie is Molly’s little sister. Kate is her older one.)
“You’re not allowed to say Aberjabla,” said Rosie. “That’s Molly and Lara’s made-up word. They say it when there’s trouble. So you’d better watch out.”
Angela held her stomach and laughed. “You could buy a broken old kennel to put your roller-dog in.”
“Uh – oh,” said Rosie. She looked at Angela, then at Molly. “Here it comes.”
Molly stood with her fists on her hips. She no longer cared if she got into trouble. She grabbed her sausage and hurled it at Angela’s head. Take that, she thought with glee.
The sausage stuck in the middle of Angela’s curls. Sticky red sauce dripped down her cheek and onto her dress. “Oh, gross!” yelled Angela, pulling the greasy sausage from her hair. “You’ve spoilt my new frock. I’m telling.”
“Serves you right,” said Molly. “Telling me I should have a rollerblade for a pet.”
Rosie looked at Angela and sang, “I warned you.”
“Stop it, all of you,” said Kate.
Angela ran to her mother in tears. “Mum, Molly threw her dinner at me.”
“Angela’s a sooky, la, la,” said Rosie.
Molly’s mother marched over to the table. “Molly, what on earth made you throw a sausage at Angela?”
“It was an accident,” said Molly. “I was going to eat it, but it was slippery. And when I squeezed it, it shot out of my hand and into Angela’s hair.”
“No,” cried Angela. “That’s not true. She threw it at me.”
“Stuck-up mean girl deserved it anyway,” said Molly. “She was teasing me.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I am no expert on MG fiction, so take that into account when you read my comments, okay?
ReplyDeleteLots of characters to keep track of (but I know this is just 250 wds mid-book, so...NBD). Are they all necessary? Eg, unless Kate's needed soon, why not leave her out of this?
And it's a long scene for the amount of story it covers--does it need to be? Do you tell us why before or after this scene?
Maybe show more facial expressions to ramp the emotions, rather than repeating what happened (Molly threw the sausage; Angela told her mom Molly threw the sausage, Molly's mom asked her why she threw the sausage; Molly lied about throwing the sausage; Angela said no, you threw the sausage) would help the reader feel more attached to the MC?
Good job on showing us what happened-the description of the sausage in the curls was great!- and I loved little Rosie egging things on!
I am also no MG expert... but I too loved the description of the sausage in Angela's hair.
ReplyDeleteThe dialog confused me a little. Since there are rollerblades, I presume it's contemporary, but Angela speaks likes she's either Brittish or from a bigone era. I'm sure it's clearer in the book, but if neither of those things are true, then I'd rephrase her lines.
I think this is perfect, as-is. I really enjoyed it, and love the way the girls play off each other. I'd take out one line, '“Stuck-up mean girl deserved it anyway,” said Molly.' I think she'd try to explain her actions and would be fearful of calling the other girl a name in front of her mother.
ReplyDeleteVery well done.
I agree with the previous comment about the sausage (I have a bad habit of repeating too).
ReplyDeleteThe "spoilt my frock" does sound old and rollerblades is more contemporary.
I think the "stuck-up mean girl" line is okay. She knows she's busted now and she's getting in her last dig.
I like the story, the action, and everything that happens. I've read an earlier version of this, and I really like it better when it was roller skates, instead of rollerblade.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the language (I know you're from Australia) might be a bit Victorian to American readers. But you could easily change "frock" to "dress." Not a big deal.
I'm also not totally decided on the last line. Maybe have Molly say that to herself instead of loud enough for her mother to hear it???
Other than that, it was a fun read and I enjoyed it.
I'm mostly okay with this, but a few lines don't sound right to me. If one of my kids threw a sausage at another kid, I don't think I'd be asking "what on earth made you throw a sausage...?" I think my reaction would be a bit more intense, to say the least.
ReplyDeleteI was okay with the "Stuck up..." but not the "She was teasing me." I don't think a kid would say it that way.
Overall, though, I liked this and would read more. If I felt it didn't ring true, I'd stop.
This was very cute. The word 'frock' did take me out of the story a bit, given that the rollerblades suggest a more contemporary setting. (I'm from Australia too but the only person I've ever heard say 'frock' is my 92-year-old grandmother.) Apart from these two words, it could be set at almost any time.
ReplyDeleteTiny nit though. I'd love to read the rest of it, and now I want a sausage as well! (To eat, not to throw.)
Thank you everybody, all the comments are so helpful. The frock is going and maybe I’ll change rollerblades back to roller skates. I’ll tighten up too. The story is set in a coastal country village. Does anyone know if an eight or nine year old would still use roller skates, or do the kids of today only use rollerblades?
ReplyDeleteThanks, you’re all great.
Kids use rollerblades - but most boys I see that age are using skateboards, bikes, or scooters. I don't see many with rollerblades or skates.
ReplyDeleteTrish, aside from the language differences (American usage vs. Australian), I thought this scene was delightful. The "sausage in the hair" is very comical which should provoke laughs from children who are into humorous chapter books.
ReplyDeleteLike the others, I agree that 'frock' is a bit too old-fashioned. But I'm sure you can rectify that. :)
And also, with regard to the last line, I too think that this should be something Molly says to herself rather than within earshot of her mom. Unless, of course, Molly's character is prone to speaking her mind out loud. Then, I think the last line is justified.
Very nice!
Molly's excuse of squeezing the sausage too tightly and it flying away from her is hilarious!
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me so much of Nelly Olson and half-pint Engles from The Little House on the Prairie tv show I watched years ago. Those two went round and round just like Molly and Angela, and that's why they were so popular.
Only suggestion - in the paragraph where the sausage gets stuck in her hair, you have stuck followed in the next sentence by stick. You might change one of those words to something similar in meaning so you don't have such a close repetition.
Great emotional upheaval here, IMO. Good job!
Thanks every one. That was all really helpful. I used frock because Angela is a snooty child, but I’ll take it out and some of the repetition of the sausage. I’ll change the word stick too.
ReplyDeleteBut, Molly saying, “Stuck up mean girl deserved it,” has to stay. It’s an important part of the story. She gets sent to her room for being cheeky and bad mannered. Molly has to learn to control her temper. She’s quite an outspoken child, who answers back if she thinks she’s justified, especially if it’s the school bully.
I’ve taken out ‘She was teasing me’ altogether and changed the mother’s dialogue.
You were all great, and I thank you very much.