TITLE: Steady in a Firestorm
GENRE: Young Adult Fantasy (15+)
Vidar and Iolanthe (Io) are two kids from Earth sucked into a "Mirror World" by a crazed monk. All they want is to get back to Earth alive. In the previous scene, Vidar discovered that the person he and Iolanthe believed could get them home actually worked for the monk.
Io leapt to her feet as her heart leapt to her throat, dashing to the opposite corner of the room. How badly had she hurt him? But before she could move two steps, he clamped his hand around her wrist and dragged her past Pulis’ wide-eyed, gaping face and into the hallway.
So stunned she couldn’t even manage to dig in her heels, she sent a bewildered look to Pulis, who called for a servant.
The man who’d let them in ran up.
“Don’t even try,” Vidar growled at him.
Iolanthe could only imagine the rage that filled Vidar’s expression. The servant just backed away, holding up his hands for leniency. Buzzing filled her ears, white spots of panic covered her eyes. She was afraid.
When the way was clear, Vidar wrenched her forward again, nearly popping her shoulder out of its socket. She yelped. “Y-you’re hurting me, Vidar.” She didn’t like the plaintive tone, but her wrist had begun to hurt as much as the burn on her left hand. His grip was so tight she knew it would bruise, already felt her fingers going numb from loss of blood. She stumbled after him, feeling as if she were caught in a vortex, knocking into furniture and stunned servants alike. Neither her groans of pain nor pleas for explanation stopped him, so eventually she gave up, working to ignore the new aches as best she could.
She wondered if she deserved this, for what she’d done to him, to Derek, like he’d said.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Too many leapts in the first sentence. choose different actions words.
ReplyDeleteI have a hard time understanding what's going on. I think Vidar getting mad is the extreme reaction you're showing us? but the focus became Io's panic and pain. Vidar should show his anger more or explain why he's dragging Io off.
If you clear things up a bit we might understand more of what you're trying to tell us. It's an interesting premise- the mirror world.
Love the Mirror World concept and the idea of a crazed monk as a bad guy.
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused in places, however.
- The man who’d let them in ran up.- Is this the servant? Ran up from where?
- Iolanthe could only imagine the rage that filled Vidar’s expression- Does this mean she couldn't see his expression?
I did feel the MC's pain, but paring out some words might give the reader a closer connection to the MC. Match the writing to her frame of mind:
- His grip was so tight she knew it would bruise, already felt her fingers going numb from loss of blood.-
I'd lose - she knew it would bruise-
If she's in pain, she's probably not doing a lot of long term thinking.
You could also try cutting out slow down or throw in words and phrases:
-Neither her groans of pain nor pleas for explanation stopped him, so eventually she gave up, working to ignore the new aches as best she could.
-"So eventually she gave up"- slows the pace. Maybe try two short sentences instead and cut the -so eventually she gave up-.
Just my opinion, of course.
I like the mirror idea too.
ReplyDeleteHave to admit that the names gave me pause. They don't sound like Earth names, but hopefully, I'm not just being a self centered American. Do they live in another time or non English speaking country?
I was confused on who had grabbed her arm.
And "She was afraid." is repeating what we know from the previous sentence.
I will say that the vivid description of her arm was making my arm hurt! Ouch!
I'm confused by this. It starts with their names. These are Earth kids, right? They don't have Earth names. In the first sentence I imagined her heart dashing to the opposite side of the room. Who did she hurt? Of course, dropping into the middle can cause some of the confusion, but I've re-read this and I think the person Io thinks she hurt is the one now clamping down on her wrist (I'm guessing it's Vidar).
ReplyDeleteNot sure about the rage filling the expression. "She was afraid." seems unnecessary.
In spite of the confusion I'm curious enough to read a couple of pages. I think this could be good with editing.
I like the Mirror World idea too. Just be careful not to show something and then tell us what that something was ("She was afraid"; "from loss of blood".)
ReplyDeleteThis caught me up too: Iolanthe could only imagine the rage that filled Vidar’s expression.
Isn't she looking at him? Just nitpicky. It wouldn't take much to smooth this out, and I'd read it.
Oh, and I love the name Iolanthe.
Thank you for all your comments! Sorry if the names took you out of the story, but there is a reason that they're different. (Both are actually "Earth" names--Iolanthe is Greek for violet, and Vidar is from Norse mythology). I'll pepper notes throughout the book now, to acknowlege that they're strange, until the reader finds out why they have them.
ReplyDeleteYou guys gave me great ideas for tightening that I hadn't noticed before. When I do my second read-through, I think it'll end up a lot sharper. I also hadn't realized that Vidar's looking away was so confusing (He's dragging Io out the door, so she can't see his face). I'll work on clarifying that.
Thanks!
I was about to defend you on the names (I went to high school with a girl called Iolanthe) but you've done it yourself. :-) My two cents: writing needs editing as per the above comments, but the story sounds good.
ReplyDeleteAgain, I haven't read the above crits. So if you see repetition, you might give this more credibility.
ReplyDeleteInteresting concept but the writing/editing pulled me away from the emotional excitment that I think you hoped to protray.
Keep it Io or Iolanthe, I like Io, which is cool!
Too many 'so's and cut the 'just's.
Watch for repeats-- leapt in first sentence for example.
Your characters.. imagine or wondered or 'couldn't even' these are not 'in the moment action'. Uhm, I mean--she didn't wonder she did--what? She didn't imagine; she did--what? She couldn't even; do what instead? Make me move with your character rather than getting her round about thoughts. I need action to pull me in and care.
2nd to last paragraph could be cut and tightened, making the action have more impact.
Ah, found another one.."working to ignore...." How did she ignore it? Show me how she ignored it instead.
I think you've got a huge amount of potential here, but I think you need more elbows to the craft work to make it zingg.. I wish you well!