TITLE: Superstitious
GENRE: YA urban fantasy
I knew better than to linger by the river after work. That was one of Mom’s rules: stay away from the river. Right up there with it was the rule that when I went out, I walked straight to work and straight home afterward, and heaven forbid I stayed out after dark. Lately I found myself breaking her rules a lot, more than I had in the past anyway. Perhaps it was my recent liberation from high school or the summer heat somehow affecting my brain. Or maybe it was just a phase.
I left the comfort of the Moonwalk and the breeze off the river, strolling inland toward the labyrinth of streets I knew well. Mom would never notice the few minutes here or there I wasted soaking up my surroundings.
From the Moonwalk, I navigated through the tourists congregated around Jackson Square who gazed around in confusion and awe at the mixture of history and constant carnival. I passed fortunetellers and mimes, street musicians and pigeons, until I lost all the noise of people living and the toxic perfume of spices, cigarettes, and beer to the residential forest of the French Quarter.
My entire life had been spent in this city, save for a handful of months Mom and I lived in Memphis after hurricanes, and I planned to keep living in it. All my friends from high school clambered to leave New Orleans after graduation, like to remain here was akin to a death sentence. They never understood why I wanted to stay.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The description of Jackson Square is what hooked me. I really enjoyed that paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI like your voice and descriptions. "anyway" is not necessary. Also, nothing is really happening in this page. No sense of conflict. But I would read a little more to see where this is going.
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely curious about the river. I think that adds the intrigue here. Great descriptions too.
ReplyDeleteVery nice descriptions of the city at night. You hooked me.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked, I want to know what happens next. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI'd like to see more specific details to really use the setting to full effect - some of your description is a little generic.
ReplyDeleteAlso, is 'clambered' really the best word to use here?
But I definitely get a sense that this book has atmosphere and tension!
I couldn't tell whether the main character was male or female. I'm guessing female?
ReplyDeleteI liked the Jackson Square part, too, but I'm not hooked.
Not hooked, but I want to be because I devour books set in NO.
ReplyDeleteThing is, unless the MC works at the mall or aquarium, or some other place right near the river, it is kind of a walk to get up to the Moonwalk and it's not as if it's the most picturesque riverfront in the world. And the FQ is not exactly a labyrinth, lol. It is an almost perfect grid from Canal to Esplanade, and from Decatur to Rampart.
What I want to know is why the MC is drawn to the river, but I might not keep reading to find out after the next passage, which sounds awkward and overwwritten to me, particularly :
"until I lost all the noise of people living and the toxic perfume of spices, cigarettes, and beer to the residential forest of the French Quarter."
The run on sentence that starts with "right up there with", put me off early. The sentence also felt clunky to me.
ReplyDeleteThe character left the comfort of the Moonwalk, but then paragraph 3 starts, "from the Moonwalk". Which is confusing.
For me, there wasn't enough of an unanswered question to hook me, or an indication that this is sci fi or fantasy.
I loved the first paragraph, sort of liked the second one, but by the third I had zoned out. I read it all and can't even remember what the last two paragraphs were about.
ReplyDeleteI'd say you have a strong opening paragraph, which is great, but after that it loses my attention. But that's just my opinion.
I like the ideas, but I'm not sucked in. The thing, for me, about stories set in cities with such fabulous and well known history and culture is I want to feel like I'm there. I want to feel like I'm there wherever we are, but places like New Orleans and Paris and NYC are so distinct and famous, I especially notice when there's a lack of reality. In this, I'm missing the telling details that make New Orleans the city it is.
ReplyDeleteThis didn't hook me. I am a lover of atmosphere and description, but I want something to be happening while all the description is being told.
ReplyDeleteMy thought was 'What's the point?" Where is this going? If I keep reading, what am I reading about? I don't know what the story idea is about, and you haven't imparted any deep dark secrets about your MC, so I can't even look to him for a hint of mysery, excitement, whatever. It's a person walking the streets.
ReplyDeleteIf something's going to happen to him while walking the streets, start there, or somewhere closer to it. Give us a reason to keep reading.
I'm not hooked.
ReplyDeleteYou need to establish the stakes very early on in the story, and while I get that the river is a dangerous place, I don't think the stakes (or the potential for danger) is high enough in this case. Realistically speaking, we all know teenagers just rebel for the heck of it, but in the literary sense, there needs to be some kind of draw. In the lieu of other comments above, give us a better reason to keep reading!
The writing is good, and no complaints. Great visual on setting. But other than a hint she shouldn't be out after dark, etc, I'm not sure there is any promise of tension in what I'm reading.
ReplyDeleteOn the fence.
ReplyDeleteThe description and scene setting is nice, but as others have said, nothing happens.
I like this. Yes, hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteNothing has been established but the setting. I know very little of the character and so far, there's no tension, no reason to turn the page. I'd like to hear more about mom's superstition of the river.
I agree with commenters above that nothing happens to keep our attention. I'd condense this so we move to the action, the initiating event, more quickly.
ReplyDeleteCould be tightened a bit here and there - and I don't know what the Moonwalk is.
ReplyDeleteBy mentioning the river twice in the first two sentences, makes me expect a punchline involving the river and something awful (maybe later?).
But I'd keep reading.
I think this is well written. The slight teenage defiance is familiar but not overstated. I already have a feel for the sights and sounds of the city. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is good, but I am not hooked. I would not keep reading.
ReplyDelete