TITLE: MOONGLASS
GENRE: Contemporary YA
In my dreams, there has always been water. I’ve dreamt of stormy days on the ocean when I couldn’t get my bearings or see the land, and I’ve dreamt of crystal water lapping at the edges of unnamed islands. I read once that water in dreams is a symbol for emotions. I think maybe my mother drowned in both.
One dream I have sneaks in like the rising tide, throwing me off balance and stirring up doubts. In this dream, I watch helplessly. It is night, which is true, but the rest is up for debate.
I watch as the wind whips long blonde hair around her face. Whitecaps glimmer in the lights from the pier. She doesn’t flinch as the cold hits her. She’s numb from feeling too much and she’s shut it all out. Her eyes are focused on an invisible horizon and she walks straight out. The waves slap at her, plastering her gauzy skirt to her legs. She’s in up to her chest, and as the water surges up, she breathes in sharply, involuntarily, because of the cold.
Her mind is clear at this moment. Nothing but the purity of the cold and the possibility of total peace. She bends her knees and lets the water hit her chin, takes some of the bitter saltiness into her mouth, then lets it run out, eyes still focused on the beyond. She doesn’t take a breath before going under, but exhales completely, and dissolves into the blackness without thinking about anything.
Not even me.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I think her imagining her mother drowning in the past isn't a great way to start the story.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Keren. Dreams are not really very compelling reading.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph didn't really flow for me. She says her dreams always have water, but then, after the oddly placed third sentence, she says her mother drowned in both, so now it's just two dreams?
I like the imagery of a dream sneaking in like the rising tide. Your description of the narrator watching her enter the water is vivid, but I wondered how she know her mother's mind is clear, even in a dream? She can sense calmness in the expression, but reading her mind is a stretch, I think.
Good luck.
Tragic. But caught my attention.
ReplyDeleteI'm mixed on this one. On the one hand, like other respondants, I find dreams and imaginings a bit weak for a beginning.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, you've got some great lines that really grabbed me. The "I think maybe my mother drowned in both" bit and the final "not even me" both get to the heart of things very well.
I'd suggest stripping this down , starting with "I read once..." and then cutting mercilessly at her imaginings, bringing that ache and bitterness to the forefront.
You've got a strong emotional core here - a difficult thing to achieve so quickly. I think the way to make the most of it would be to take away all the softening and distancing elements. Be brutal.
I maybe wouldn't put *all* this at the beginning. Maybe stop after talking about her mother drowning in both and cutting to some kind of action. It's too much death right off the bat for me.
ReplyDeleteDreams or talking about dreams at the beginning of a book doesn't ever appeal to me. Even when I was 11 and doing my SATs, my English teacher told us not to start our stories with a dream in the English exam.
ReplyDeleteAlso, what caught me was 'without thinking about anything'. It sounds extremely flat compared to the rest of the paragraph.
I really like the first paragraph, it hooked me, but all the dreaming/imagining didn't really work for me.
ReplyDeleteYes please.
ReplyDeleteDreams don't usually draw me in, but the writing in this is so lovely, I'd read on.
I'm wavering here. The first paragraph didn't pull me in, but by the end I was wanting to read more. I think I'd give it a few more pages at least to see how it took off from here.
ReplyDeleteI love your writing style. I'm hooked, and really want to find out more.
ReplyDeleteI love "I read once that water in dreams is a symbol for emotions. I think maybe my mother drowned in both."
And I like how she fills in the details of how her mother died with her imagination, with her dreams. I think we all do this with emotionally charged events that we didn't witness.
I am not at all bothered by any references to dreams-- it's really well done.
Good luck!
I'm hooked. The dream didn't phase me. It was done really well. I loved the first paragraph, especially her mother drowning in both water and emotions. And the ending of the sample was just as good,
ReplyDeleteGreat writing that evokes emotion! I'd read more.
For me, this is a good example of a beginning that breaks some rules, but still works. I was drawn in by the lovely writing despite the fact it was about dreams. As others have said, there are some lovely lines. I agree with Heather that the mother drowning in water and emotions is very powerful.
ReplyDeleteThe only part that pulled me out of the story is when she says her mother is numb. I know it's a dream, but I still wonder how she could know this.
I never have a problem with dreams if they're well written and this one is. Love the writing, I almost don't care what I'm reading about because I love the writing soooo much.
ReplyDeleteA dream, but... this works. It feeds into the actual plot - which possibly is the main character's perception of a parent who was in over her head and no longer fighting. It's quite the literary touch. And the writing's quite nice.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
I agree that this is a dream that works. I think it's because the dreaming is so conscious. It's not a trick or a device. And the loss is so clear. I think I would tighten it up. The last two paragraphs are particularly effective and I would get to them faster. But I do like that bit about her mother drowning in both.
ReplyDeleteSo perhaps a small rewrite, perhaps not. I'd read on.
I like the thought of her mother drowning in both water and emotions. But I don't care for a beginning with so much detail on drowning. While it's powerful, it's also a little unsettling. I'd give it a couple more pages to see what happens.
ReplyDeleteI think this would read best if you started with the third paragraph. Then we wouldn't even know if we were witnessing her dream or the real thing.
ReplyDeleteI'm not usually into contemporary, but you've actually suckered me into wanting to read more. :)
Beautiful, but too morbid for me... unless the tone changes with the next section.
ReplyDeleteIs she considering her own suicide? This was beautifully written, I must say. The line- "I think my mother drowned in both" was what hooked me.
ReplyDeleteThe imagery is very nice. I'd want to read more. The voice seems a tad mature for a teen, but that's not necessarily a problem. I can imagine this character growing up before her time.
ReplyDeleteI like the writing, but agree that the first paragraph is not the strongest. Are we supposed to believe that she has dreamed about water every day of her life? Also, the line about the mother is really good, but what does this have to do with the dream below it? Seems like too big of a jump.
ReplyDeleteI'd read more.
ReplyDeleteWell done. :)
Love the first paragraph, especially the last line. But I am confused. Is the "she" her mom in the dream? Also, how can she know that her mom's mind is clear?
ReplyDeleteJodi
Hooked. This is beautifully written (loved the "I think maybe my mother drowned in both" line), and that combined with the title would make me read on, lack of action notwithstanding.
ReplyDeleteMuch here to like, but perhaps a tad overwritten.
ReplyDeleteAnd likening a dream arriving to the rising tide when the dream itself involves water - not a great idea.
But I'd keep reading.
I'm back to say that the pain and loss of the last line have really stuck with me and I come back to read them again and again.
ReplyDelete"Not even me."
Ow.
Good stuff.
I liked this a lot. Niggly bit: I'd cut the second sentence. Since the statement that MC's mother drowned in both is followed by a rather elaborate and very well written dream the summaries of the first two dreams are unnecessary.
ReplyDeletePlease, please--dreams are NOT an exciting way to start a book. Start when the story starts, not before. I am not going to keep reading.
ReplyDelete