TITLE: Cannibal Island
GENRE: MG
At this point, the adventurers have descended the steps into the underground treasure vault and discovered the gold, and something else.
My breath rushed in when I saw the horrible thing behind her. I stared in disbelief for a moment, shocked by what I was seeing. Wren must have noticed my gaze. She turned around to look. After turning, she stood motionless. The coins slowly fell from her hands and made a bright ringing sound when they bounced on the floor. The revolver in her other hand landed with a heavy thud. Her shrill scream echoed throughout the chamber.
She backed up a few tentative steps, still staring at the thing in front of her. A moment later, she turned and ran toward me. Her arms wrapped around my back, and she buried her face in my shoulder.
“Oh, God!” she said. “That’s horrible!”
With Wren trembling in my arms, I stared at the spectacle displayed before us. Suspended from the ceiling was a large, golden ring. Tied to the ring was a noose made from vines. It encircled the neck of a body. The hideous corpse moved back and forth. Slowly. Back and forth. Swaying in the torchlight like a pale and grotesque puppet.
The throat was slit, resembling a ragged, bloody smile. The most horrific aspect was the face, grimacing as if the victim had suffered a frightening and painful death. Hollow, dark holes now stared out blindly from the head. The eyes were gone. Destroyed. Burnt from their sockets — as if a hot poker had been driven into them. A trail of dark tears flowed down the cheeks, the dried and crusty remnant of spurted blood.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I really liked the images you evoked here. I could picture that hanging body "swaying in the torchlight." I love how you amped up the gross factor with the eyes burnt out. I also loved the "bright ringing" of the coins dropping from her hand. Very nice writing.
ReplyDeleteAnd the body was swinging - someone is near! Yikes!
Now, for the nit-picks:
I did wonder how the slit throat could look like a smile when his neck was covered in a vine noose.
And, personally, I don't care for female characters who dissolve into blithering incompetence at the sight of something gruesome. But that's just me. Someone did this horrible thing, and they may be lurking near, and she screams? Drops her gun? Has to be hugged? I did not care for that.
The details were awesome. REally really well done, there - you totally set the scene so that I can see and feel it. I didn't notice the inconguity in desribing the slit throat yet having the body hung until I read Sheila's comment - but I have to agree with her now that it's pointed out.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing I noticed was that your voice has almost a noir feel to it, especially the first paragraph - I think it's something in the way you word your descriptions or in the quick pace of your sentence. This is neither bad nor good, it's just different.
One thing is you almost took too long to give us a hint of what they were looking at....
ReplyDeleteThe other thing is if the corpse was hanging by the neck, how did they see enough of the neck to tell it had been slit?
The other thing is I wondered why the body was still swinging. Wouldn't it be a dead weight (pun unintended)? Was there a breeze?
Catherine,
ReplyDeleteI thought the body was swinging as an indication that whoever hung it there had just done it (as in the killer is still very close).
I did notice it took an awful long time to clue us in on what the characters were seeing, too, but I thought the author might be going for drawn out suspense. Though there might be a more active way to do it...
Also sorry about the typo in my earlier comment - hate when I come back to blog comments and notice I've done that :-)
Really good overall, just a few comments. In paragraph one, cut "After turning". You told us she turned and it's enough. I love the coins making a bright ringing sound. I don't know if I'd use "horrible thing". Thing makes me thing it's a creature. Is there a better way to say it without telegraphing, such as "horrible visage"? Also, just a nit, but if Wren is behind the MC, how can she be in his arms? I, too, wondered about the slit throat. If it's hanging by a slit throat you might have to (gruesomely) research the effect. How far is the throat slit--a little or a lot? And what shows through the slit? If this is a bit clearer than maybe the noose aspect wouldn't confuse people. Great otherwise. Unfortunately, I can see it all (a good thing, but blech!)
ReplyDeletecomments are stacking up fast!
ReplyDeleteI got caught up on "horrible thing", "That's horrible!" and "most horrific aspect". You have the guts of good tension here, but the order and flow fought for where my reader eyes should be going.
Also it bothered me that something was so horrible, but she dropped her gun??? Don't let this go, but you might dig into it deeper and use a camera eye to set the order.
Pace and tension 10 out of 10 stars. Description is excellent creating suspense and making the reader picture fully everything that is being seen by characters. Moves along at a good pace and creates interest in reading further. Well done.
ReplyDeleteWith the exception of the overuse of horrible, I loved what you wrote. It totally engrossed and grossed me out.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with REG - sub in a synonym for horrible and this is a terrific passage!
ReplyDeleteExcellent description of the body. The only thing I wondered was whether it might be too graphic for middle grade. I'm not a prude or anything but it's pretty dreadful.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this - in a "now I'm going to lay awake and listen to noises half the night" kind of way.
ReplyDeleteI didn't catch all the horribles, but I was reading pretty fast. Sorry.
I definitely would keep reading this one - but not at night.
Observances:
ReplyDelete-"I inhaled" instead of "My breath rushed in"
-Change passive tense "shocked by what I was seeing" into active "shocked by what I saw."
-Cut the following three sentences into one sentence, "Wren turned to follow my gaze. The coins slowly fell from her hands . . ."
-after "That's horrible!" go straight to: "The hideous corpse moved back and forth" then, on to your GREAT description of the corpse.
Really interesting read. GOOD JOB! I'd love to read this story.
I thought the description was great, but I also thought it would work much better if you told us right away what they were seeing.
ReplyDeleteHe sees it, but doesn't say what it is he sees. (We should know whatever your MC knows.) Then she sees it and has all kinds of reactions to it, but there's no way to know if the reaction is justified because we don't know what she's reacting to. I'm not feeling the tension and danger because I don't know what it is.
If you move it up to where he first sees it, and describe it there, I'm reacting along with wren, because I'm relating to what she sees instead of thinking - what's going on? what is it? It'll have an even bigger impact there, I think.
And like the first poster, it bugged me that the girl turns out to be helpless. It doesn't affect the story any, but I wouldn't read it for that reason alone.
Chalk another one up in the annoyed-about-not-knowing-what-the-horrible-thing-was-at-first category. Still, I liked the writing, especially the vivid imagery, and it ended on a need-to-know-more note. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteOne other concern, about the genre: This doesn't feel middle grade to me at all. The voice and the characters seems too old. And I wonder about the thematic material for 9- to 12-year-olds.
Beautiful imagery, way to bring me into the scene! I really liked the parallel structure you used in both paragraphs: Description sentence, then single word. "The hideous corpse moved back and forth. Slowly." and "The eyes were gone. Destroyed."
ReplyDeleteI want to read on! I hope, however, that the parallel structure does not occur in every paragraph. Two is good. More, and it starts to become annoying.
Best of luck!
I didn't like not knowing what they were looking at. I agree with Barbara - if the MC knows, we should know. Perhaps you could have Wren see it first and have the MC watch her reaction, then turn around and see it for himself.
ReplyDeleteI have to say, as a female, if I saw something like I wouldn't be dropping my gun and hiding my eyes. I'd be holding that gun for all it was worth and making sure nothing snuck up on me.
I really liked it, other than those things, but is it a bit intense for MG? I don't read/write MG so this isn't a rhetorical question, but it is a fairly full-on description.
You do a great job with the visuals here. I also agree with the others about changing "horrible" to something else. Maybe just "Oh, God" would do.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with the graphic material and MG readers. I'm not sure how many will be able to visualize a noose. It might be better for YA.
I loved it. It’s gruesome, but well written. Maybe tighten the first part a little. I know you would write it much better than me though.
ReplyDeleteMy breath rushed in as I stared in disbelief at the gruesome thing behind Wren. When she turned and saw the dead body, she stood motionless. The coins slowly fell from her hands and made a bright ringing sound when they bounced on the floor. The revolver in her other hand landed with a heavy thud. Her shrill scream echoed throughout the chamber.
(The rest was great.)
I felt the first para was over written. Using too many descriptors and redundancies slow down the action
ReplyDeleteBut I really liked the last two paras. There was some great imagery there.