TITLE: (working title) From the Neighborhood
GENRE: YA
Jack and Mikey broke into a friend's house to pull a prank while the family was out of town... but a neighbor called the cops and now they're being chased. The main character is Jack, that's the one the narrative is following, I realized after isolating this section that unless you'd been reading for a while, you'd have no way of knowing who 'he' is.
Mikey dropped down first and took off toward the opposite yard. By the time Jack’s feet touched the gravel, there was a bustle of activity coming from the front of the gangway. He spared a quick enough look to see flashes of light bouncing toward him and he took off, hurdling the first fence and flipping over the second without even thinking. That’s what blind terror and youthful agility could do – an over-caffeinated gymnast would probably make a pretty decent second story man.
He burst into the alley just as the squad car sped around the corner.
S***!
He lunged over garbage cans kicking them back onto the pavement behind him and ran straight through the yard, jumping another fence and coming up the other side of the next block. It was dark enough against the front of the house, and way too flippin’ quiet.
They should be chasing me, shouldn’t they?
Leaves crunched under his sneakers as he took a few cautious steps to the sidewalk. The houses were all dark and quiet, not even a porch light to give him away. He kept walking, each house length taking an eternity, and every time he got to the next gangway the hairs on the back of his neck stood up, waiting for someone to jump out at him. He sped up, trying to control his ragged breath, trying not to freak out so much that he couldn’t run, but nothing happened. And the quieter it got, the faster his heart raced.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The last sentence of that first paragraph confused me. I know you're referring to Jack and his hurdling fences, but I'm confused about the gymnast and second story man parts. But that could be because I don't know the whole story!
ReplyDelete"He lunged over garbage cans"--the phrase afterward should be offset by commas, IMO.
I think your pacing is good--the action comes in rapid-fire bits, just like it would happen in real life.
I didn't quite get the 'over-caffeinated gymnast' and 'second story man' part.... ?
ReplyDeleteMaybe adrenaline instead of caffeine?
Other than that - the writing is great. :)
Really like the last sentence! The whole last paragraph has me wondering, coming up with all sorts of scenarios, so good work there. I want to read more.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph didn't work as well for me, but that could just be the nature of dropping in. I also scratched my head on the "over caffeinated gymnast" line. And if Jack's a teenager, I'm not sure he'd be thinking of his own "youthful agility." That sounds like an adult voice. Blind terror works, but it needs to come more from Jack, and in the midst of danger I just don't think he'd be quite so reflective- the gymnast bit- for so long.
Believe it or not I've edited this scene about ten times and didn't catch that - THANK YOU!!! The last line in the first paragraph was author intrusion, totally.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm not supposed to be commenting on my own, so apparently I'm an intrusive author... but I really wanted to thank you guys for catching it - I like the line, personally, and wouldn't have caught that it detracts from the story, or isn't in the character's head if you hadn't pointed it out.
I would add that when you have two males together you need to be more clear when using "he." Seems you know that based on your explanation. I like his athleticism and don't mind him commenting on it in his age-appropriate voice. Other than what you already know, it's pretty good!
ReplyDeleteloved it. I liked the "an over-caffeinated gymnast would probably make a pretty decent second story man." And at face value, "And the quieter it got, the faster his heart raced." this seemed to slow your great action down a bit. Wrong. The second time through I loved this mega-second body recap.
ReplyDeletePace and tension 10 out of 10 stars. Excellent description of fear and urgency. Moves along at a good clip and creates interest in the reader. Well done.
ReplyDeleteSpared a quick enough look could be cut. It slows the action. He saw the flashes of light and took off. Make your sentences shorter and choppier to convey the breathlessness of running and hurdling over the fences. Skip the commentary about the blind terror and gymnast.
ReplyDeleteLove your verbs burst, lunged.
You want to know the best part about this scene? I was panting by the time I finished reading it! :D Tight and informative, well paced and suspenseful.
ReplyDeleteYou have to explain the second story man line though, I want to know where the saying comes from!
This is awesome. You write action/danger so well. The pace was perfect, with enough sensory details to put me there.
ReplyDeleteA minor note: Instead of saying "He spared a quick enough look", say "He spared a quick look".
Second story man - it's chicago area slang for a burglar (one adept at going in through a roof or second story window - agile and can climb and run). I love those kinds of phrases that are specific to the area, and I love to see different dialects in novels - everything from southern to foreign and all stops between, I just love the flavor it adds to fiction.
ReplyDeleteBut I think the consensus is accurate. I don't think Jack would think in that phrase, and definitely not while jumping fences :-)
The writing is good and the pacing is great, and there's plenty of action, but I didn't get a sense of tension or danger till the very end. He's running like crazy, but no one's after him. Wouldn't it make more sense to stop and hide?
ReplyDeleteAnd if he's jumping trash barrels and knocking them down, how can it be too flippin quiet? The garbage cans would make noise, dogs would be barking inside their homes as he ran through peoples' yards and rattled their fences as he climbed them. Perhaps he should stop to catch his breath or something, and then notice the quiet, because things would quiet down once he did.
The end was where you got me. When it really was quiet and no one was after him, and nothing happened. That's when the foreboding feeling came over me. I got a really strong sense that something was about to happen!
"and every time he got to the next gangway the hairs on the back of his neck stood up, waiting for someone to jump out at him."
The above says the hairs were waiting for someone to jump out at him. Maybe rephrase?
This was pretty good. I didn't get the over-caffeinated gymnast part. And wouldn't he try to be more quiet if he was being chased? Why would he kick the garbage cans? Isn't that going to draw attention to him?
ReplyDeleteSo where exactly is the cop car? On the street or in the alley? As you can tell, I'm not very good at figuring out chase scenes. Someone who reads this book would probably follow it better.
I did like the voice, and the tension is definitely there. Good luck with it.
I liked the use of metaphor and find that's one of the most challenging aspects of writing. You do it very well! I also like the building suspense and find myself wanting to read more at the end. Your explanation at the beginning is very detailed and clear, so I feel like I know what's going on when you drop us into this scene.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you'll go far with this manuscript!!
I liked the choppiness of this. I really enjoyed the last few lines too. Powerful images there.
ReplyDelete