TITLE: A Girl, A Guy, A Nurse, and A Cop
GENRE: Romantic Comedy
The Yaris was about five cars up from the ground. It’s not likely to fall, but it looks difficult to climb.
“I cannot expect you to climb that Miss.”
“I'm lighter, no offense.”
“None taken, I know my shape is not what it could be.”
“This skirt isn’t exactly made for climbing though.”
“Well, I think I should climb up.”
“Nonsense.” She drops her skirt and throws her shoes off and climbs up.
“Um, Miss, I find this highly disturbing.”
“Enjoy it while you can officer.”
The officer ponders her response, and decides he could afford to watch and enjoy a few moments of her well exposed derriere. Her panties were barely more than a thong. After all, her safety depended on his ability to respond by observing.
She makes it up to the Yaris, barely any room to squeeze in. She sees the seat off of its mounts.
A quick pull of her arm and she pulls her body into the car.
RIPPPPPP!
Her panties got torn up the front.
Behind the seat off its mounts she sees a black wedge. Gently she grabs for the item and finds it stuck. She then uses both arms to free it, which makes the vehicle rock slightly. Once she stops rocking, she heads back for the door opening.
The officer had a great view of her butt going up. The front of her panties were torn climbing in. No matter how she climbed down, he had a great view of her.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I confess, I don't really feel any sense of danger here, if I was supposed to. Mostly I feel creeped out by the panty-staring cop. And her panties ripped? On what? Doesn't she have a skirt over them? Most panties are made to stretch, so I feel the skirt would rip before the underpants. Honestly, I feel as if they ripped so that the cop could gape at her lady bits and I don't find it charming at all as written, but I think I'm supposed to. If it was her skirt ripping, I might. I get the idea he's "just doing his duty" by staring upwards at her - maybe expound on that and keep it charming and not peeping-tom-ey.
ReplyDeleteThe shifts back and forth in POV and the distanced tone all give this the not dangerous, but creepy, vibe I feel. I don't think I'd read on.
Good luck! If this is a rom-com, it's too dry here even for me, given what's happening.
It's difficult to drop into a scene. In this case I think an explanation might help. I was thrown off because I can't picture what a "yaris" is and how something is "five cars up."
ReplyDeleteAlso, lots of light bantering doesn't make it feel very dangerous. I agree with the other critter--the panties thing is a bit creepy. No one seems to be taking things very seriously. Not sure this qualifies, but good luck!
Sorry, I didn't find this promising. The dialogue is stilted, stiff, unnatural, and unbelievable. Sure seems like her panties ripped out of convenience for the story, no? Overall, this sounds like the opening to a story found on "adult" websites.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other comments. It seems a little hard to believe that this young girl would just take off her skirt in front of this guy and then climb up and over five cars, if she could even do that. The whole things seems a bit hard to believe and I didn't get a sense of danger.
ReplyDelete"The Yaris was about five cars up from the ground. It’s not likely to fall, but it looks difficult to climb."
ReplyDeleteFirst sentence is past tense, the second is in present.
Plus, what's the POV? When I read, "After all, her safety depended on his ability to respond by observing." I thought it was the cop's. But then we go in the car with the woman.
I'm very lost in this. I don't know what a Yaris is, and I don't understand five cars up. I am also stressed with the POV shifts all over the place. I don't understand how her panties tore... I can't picture what you are saying.
ReplyDeleteI might consider revising this pretty heavily, although I do like the voice. It' really unique--almost English?
I can see the danger in climbing a stack of cars, but... why... is she climbing a stack of cars? o_O
ReplyDeleteThis is probably something a little information about the scene would have settled.
This was interesting. I'm not sure it was dangerous, although a few words about falling to one's death while clmbing would fix that.
ReplyDeleteUnlike what seems to be the normal response I wasn't really creeped out by the staring cop. In my experience any guy who doesn't look is either dead or gay.
Being as it's a romantic comedy, I'm not sure how much nail-biting danger you even need. But a few lines could actually do it such as describing what she's climbing (I know she climbing to the Yaris, which I presume is a car, but over what?) like 'she climbed the jumbled wreckage of vehicles' or some such.
My only real gripes would be that the pov was hard to follow. The tense skipped around a bit, which can be tricky if you're used to writing past and try present. Also, as a girl who has climbed many things in underwear, and even ridden horses in such attire, the ripping up the front of the panties seems to be a stretch, if you'll pardon the pun. I mean, if they were exceptionally delicate lace, I might buy it. Otherwise, I can see all sorts of wedgies and the like, but ripping isn't going to happen without injury...
Ok, I'm glad I'm not the only one who didn't know what a Yaris was.
ReplyDeleteLike the others I didn't really feel danger. This seemed more of a comical scene with the stiff, formal-seeming officer and the ripping panties. The female is too flippant for me to think she's embarressed by the panties, so the joke would be on the officer; but I still don't see danger. Is the black wedge a bomb?
Well, for one, I found the voice choppy. My number one main issue is I could not tell whose POV I was in, so therefore it was impossible to develop sympathy for the characters. Without that, there really can't be much of a sense of danger.
ReplyDeleteIt's difficult dropping into the middle of the scene. And perhaps in the lead-in a better explanation of how the car got where it was, how it was dangling (I thought in a tree or somthing -for the danger bit - because I know what a Yaris is - a TINY Toyota!) But I didn't feel any sense of danger, even on her part in the car. I almost think I could have critted this better if the scence started with why she must climb, why the car was where it was, and what she is getting. I wasn't thrown by the panty escapade, but I really can't see it being plausible that the front would tear o_O - think about it. And last thing that I noticed - the tenses changed and threw me off.
ReplyDeleteI agree it would make more sense to me for the skirt to rip than the panties - never ripped a pair in my life. I think the scene could be improved a lot by ripping the skirt if you're gonna rip something, but it would have to be a pretty tight skirt with no stretch in it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I've been up a ladder in a skirt with a cute guy nearby. Let's just say I had misjudged the situation and dressed inappropriately.
He very kindly made a point of averting his eyes the entire time and I thought that was pretty sexy on his part. Also, I never wore a skirt to work again. ;) I think you'd get more mileage in a rom com by putting your heroine in an unfortunate situation like this, and having the guy be chivalrous by staying far far away from her.
I'll agree that the dialog feels stilted, too. You might be going for that - it's so hard to tell from such a short bit right in the middle, but it almost sounds like English isn't the first language of the cop - or he's horribly awkward socially.
I don't get a sense of danger and I'm not sure whose point of view we're in.I agree with the others about the panties. Have the skirt rip if something has to.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing that really bothered me was the constant shift in tense. It made it very difficult to read.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I wouldn't read on, but good luck with the edits!
I found the dialogue to be very unnatural. Most people say "can't" instead of "cannot." I would read your manuscript out loud, and take out things that sound stilted, or just plain wrong (for instance, the use of "cannot" instead of "cant"). The dialogue really took me out of the scene.
ReplyDeleteI might have been able to recover, however, if not for the contrived plot. I don't usually like to comment on plot, and generally focus more on literary technique, but I felt like it was all very forced. The ripped panties just seemed too convenient.
I wish you all the best in your edits!
I didn't get a sense of danger either. I do know what a Yaris is, but as others don't perhaps you need to add Toyota at the start. I think this post would have been helped by a few lines of explanation at the start, as I couldn't picture the scene.
ReplyDeleteI'm joining the chorus to say I really don't understand how she would rip her underwear. Underwear sits very close to the body. If she rips it, surely she's injured herself at the same time?
The POV shifts made it awkward to read, and I didn't get any sense of danger. She's climbing up somewhere possibly hazardous, but it's written in such a flippant way I don't feel any danger. Neither character seems to either - the cop is perving and the woman doesn't seem concerned either.
I think for the purposes of this exercise (danger) it doesn't work but with some context it could be a fun story.
Well, everybody has just about said everything already. I didn't feel any sense of danger, or any tension or suspense, but even just looking at the snippet without looking for those aspects, I don't see the point.
ReplyDeleteThe big question for me was - why is she climbing to the car? Why is it necessary? And what is the car on? Where is it located? Is it atop a stack of cars, stuck in a tree. I have no sense of what the story is about or where it's going, or even what is happening in this scene. Well, I know what's happening. I just don't know why. Fill us in on the why.
What's the danger? That the stack of cars might fall? That wasn't presented in any way. The cop didn't try to stop her, so that wasn't the danger. Nor did she have a problem finding or retrieving what she was after. I presume she's headed toward danger now that she has the object, but you didn't build any anticipation of it because we didn't know what she was thinking, nor what she was feeling emotionally, nor what was a physical obstacle.
ReplyDelete